Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument Go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf,' and she said, 'You'll need a sweater...'"
A little girl plopped up on Santa's lap. Santa asks the little girl, "Well little girl, what are you wanting this year for Christmas?"
In response the girl says "Santa, I want a Barbie and A G.I. Joe."
Bewildered Santa says "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"
The girl replies, "No Santa, she fakes it with Ken."
One evening before Christmas after a long day in the toy shop, Santa Claus was enjoying a soothing hot shower. Because he was very strict about remaining faithful to his wife, he occasionally felt the need to seek self-release.
That night was one of those occasions. So it was he succumbed to the urge to exercise his right wrist. Just as he reached a climax, there was a sudden flash of light. At the window he saw a photographer ready to take another picture just as his "Santa-seed" was flying through the air.
Quicky covering himself Santa said, "Hold on a minute, you can't print that! You'll destroy my reputation to all the kids who look up to me."
"This is my winning lottery ticket," said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."
So Santa offered to buy the camera. After lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a price of two million dollars.
Santa then dried himself off, dressed, and headed off to the house with his new camera in hand. He met his wife at the door, who spotted the camera. "That looks like a really good camera," she said. "How much did it cost you?"
"Two million dollars," Santa said to her.
"Two million dollars!" said the Mrs. Claus. "They must have seen you coming."
An elderly woman went to see her doctor complaining of indigestion and severe cramps. She was having a large Christmas party and was hopeful that he could provide a cure or some relief.
In response to his initial questions regarding her appetite, what she was eating and regularity, she responded, "My appetite is fine. I eat only small portions and only those foods on the diet you put me on, Doctor. As for regularity, I have a normal bowel movement every morning at 8:15, like clockwork."
The doctor decided to run a series of tests; blood work, an MRI, X-rays, etc.
After the results of the tests were ready and he had studied them, he called the lady and asked her to come in to his office.
"I found the problem," he said to her. "You have three rather large tape worms in your digestive system."
"Oh dear," she gasped. "What can you do about them?"
He handed her a slip of paper and said, "Have this prescription filled. It's a mixture that you add to a glass of water. I want you to have three glasses of it, once every four hours. The solution will kill and dissolve the worms by tomorrow afternoon."
The doctors words were heard inside the woman's body by the three tapeworms.
"Did you hear that?" said the first worm. "What should we do?"
"I'm going to hide behind the heart," said the second.
The third said, "And I'll hide behind the liver."
The first thought for a moment and said, "You guys can hide if you want. But as for me, I'm gonna take that 8:15 out of here!"