Saturday, January 17, 2009

Frozen Laughs

"The perfect welcome in weather like this - a roaring fire, champagne and a bare-skin rug!"

Entering our 16th consecutive day of below freezing temps, with seven of those in single digits, I can attest that the couple in the cartoon know how to deal with the cold.

Since most of us don't have that luxury, maybe some jokes will warm our cockles.

About the Economy

What's the difference between a stockbroker and a pigeon?

A pigeon can still make a deposit on a Lexus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The economy is so bad that wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford to buy new batteries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's the worse thing about the rising unemployment rate?

It's hard to have sex with your girlfriend when her husband is hanging around the house .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At a county fair a little girl walked up to a clown who was creating intricate balloon animals. She asked him, "What are you making?"

He sighed and said, "Minimum wage."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE! :D

A Religious Tryst

After a night on the town a man picked up two picture-perfect blondfs and took them back to his place for a romp.

"Just out of curiosity," the man asked them, "are you two sisters?"

"No," one of the blondes said, blushing, "we aren't even Catholic."

First Things First

An eight-year-old swaggered into a lounge and demanded of the cocktail waitress, "Give me a double scotch on the rocks."

"What do you want to do," the waitress said, "get me in trouble?"

"Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now I just want the scotch."

The More the Merrier

Question: You are having a threesome, when two extra girls enter, one leaves, three come in, two go and five more jump in unexpectedly.

How many people are in the bed?
Answer: Who the hell cares?
Broccoli Casserole

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!

1583

6 comments:

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

I hope this warmed your cockles. Bwahahahaha. Loved them all and especially the last one.

Have a terrific Sunday. :)

Christina said...

Good jokes! LOL at Pino more.

Our weather here has been chilly, but nothing to rival yours. We have had highs in the 60's and lows in the 40's.

Hale McKay said...

Sandee,

Your cockles are warmed? Mission accomplished.

Hale McKay said...

Christina,

You'll forgive me for not feeling sorry for Floridians with seasonally low temperatures.

Seriously though, it has been a strange winter all over the country, whether its the Eastern seaboard, the Midwest or the Northwest.

Jack K. said...

Ahhh, warm cockles. What a great feeling.

One should always send thank-you cards.

LMAO

Hale McKay said...

Jack,

Yes, we should always think to send thank you cards. They warm the cockles of those who receive them.