Man: 'May I buy you a cocktail?'
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.
Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?'
Maxine: 'No, they spread.'
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise and thanksgiving for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the front. She said, "I do. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice,"thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the front.
He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is ... sternum.”
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor,"you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange," she said.
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see," the doctor said.
"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl."
"That night," she went on, "I went again, Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes, and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored,"I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. . . . ."
(Ready for this?)
"You're simply going through the change!"
A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, and gets in the mood for some loving. But true to his wife, he goes home.
When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
Of course, she awakens choking, but she quickly recovers and asks,"What did you put in my mouth???"
He says, "Two aspirin"
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!!!"
He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, "What the heck", and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, and told me that she was pregnant.
I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean there's more?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said....(You're going to love this!)
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points!"
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?".
The old man replied, "It's Fart Football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, Tie Score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, Tie Score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally craps in bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
-(Lifted from Phil at Phils Phun.)