A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
You’re sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties, your mistress is on the cover of Playboy, and your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
Rosemary had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely.
Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Andy, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with.
Andy picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic.
Andy had also been divorced for quite some time and found himself very attracted to Rosemary.
Despite her initial resistance to his advances, he finally succeeded in making love to her.
Rosemary was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed, "I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter, knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"
"What do you mean, twice?" Andy asked. "We only did it once."
"Well, we're going to do it again, aren't we?" Rosemary asked.
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the coffee table.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?"
She followed by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money." She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money."
Then she said, "And remember the big beautiful house that sits at the top of the hill that I fell in love with and you said we couldn't afford?" Once more she answered saying, "Well I bought that too with the insurance money and I love living here."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes . . . "
"I ain't ready to get married," Danny Bush told his buddy, Hank. "But, when I do, I want a gal who's an economist in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we've got company and a fireball in the bedroom."
"Well, time passed and Danny did get married. One day he again ran into Hank.
"How is life with you, Danny?" Hank asked.
"Fine and dandy, Hank. I done got myself hitched."
"Great! And is she just like the gal you described to me?"
"Not exactly. I sure enough did get all the qualities in my wife that I wanted. But they came a little bit mixed. Tammy's a fireball in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we got company, but an economist in the bedroom."