Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Toilet Humor

During my stay in in the hospital recently and also in my current convalescence at home, I have been taking two prescribed pills which have a direct impact on my use of the facilities.

The iron pills designed to build up my blood count and anemia, also tend to cause some constipation. The water pills, a diuretic, forces my kidneys to drain the excess body water that had built up in me as edema.

One is keeping me away from the toilet and the other causing me to wear a path in the carpeting with my frequent dashes to the john!

You might say I've been MOVED to use toilet humor as a theme for this post today.

No Toilet Paper

Two men are occupying booths in a public toilet, when one calls to the other, "There is no toilet paper over here, do you have any over there?"

The second man replies, "No, sorry, I don't seem to have any, either."

The first man then asks, "Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?"

The second man says, "No, sorry!"

The first man goes silent for a few moments, then inquires, "Do you have change for a twenty?"

Some Random Toilet Quality Graffiti

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
* Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
* Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Whom do you trust?
* The Irish Times, Washington, DC

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
* The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her.
* Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
* Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married!
* Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead. -Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead. -God
* The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, DC

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books. New York, New York

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.


These three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.

The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom 'Mountain Dew' because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"

The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce '7-Up' because he has seven inches and it is always up!"

The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man 'Jack Daniels'.

The other two women responded: "'Jack Daniels'? But that's a hard liquor."

The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"

Flush-able Thoughts
  1. What two words will clear out a men's restroom? Nice Dick!
  2. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
  3. Excuses are like asses everyone's got em and they all stink.
  4. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
  5. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
    peeing section in a swimming pool?
  6. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea.. does that mean that
    one enjoys it?
  7. Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
  8. Why is pea soup more special than mashed potatoes?
    Because anyone can mash potatoes.
  9. What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
    A sex-change operation
  10. How do men sort their laundry?
    "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
  11. Why is a man's pee yellow and their sperm is white?
    So they can tell if their Coming or Going.

Makes Scents To me

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish downtown Toronto building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says...Broccoli 49 cents a pound."

Strict Nursing Home

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart.

The Elevator Ride

An elderly man is in an elevator, returning home from a shopping errand. Unable to control himself, he breaks wind! Frantic that someone might get on the elevator before he reaches his floor, and that they will know he was the perpetrator of the unpleasant odor, he pulled out a can of pine-scented air freshener. He hastily fumigated the car, and not a moment too soon.

Another man enters the elevator and pushes his floor button. "There sure is a funny smell in this elevator," he says to the man.

"I'll say," the other man answers, "It smells like someone took a crap in a pine tree."

Cutting To The Chase

A woman, the wife of the man in the elevator, was sitting at a table in a posh restaurant with three friends. With the waiter standing nearby, the ladies were about to place their orders. To her horror, she uncontrollably passed wind. Fortunately it was of the silent variety.

Not wanting to be embarrassed should anyone suspect her of the act, she had a brilliant idea. To the waiting man she snapped, "Waiter, stop that!"

To which the waiter replied without flinching, "Certainly, madam. Which way did it go?"



Sandee said...

At least you have a sense of humor concerning your medical predicament. Good for you.

Have a terrific day. :)

Hale McKay said...


LOL - thank you!

Jack K. said...

It's good that you can make jokes in your delicate condition.

Great jokes.


I'm reminded of some graffiti I read in the men's room at a restaurant called Nepenthe. It had to do with cunnilingus, tacos and God. Perhaps you have run across it. snerx.

Hale McKay said...


I have to laugh - I'm not going to go into a shell and feel sorry for myself. It's life.

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