growing up is optional!
It's because Jack Bauer spared you.
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad," gushed son number one, "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced "You and Mom look great Dad." I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep", said the father, "and cheap ones too!"
-(Stolen from Mushy.)
Two women are waiting outside the Pearly Gates - St. Peter had to run to the head to take a squirt.*
1st Woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd Woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How did you die?
1st Woman: I froze to death.
2nd Woman: How horrible!
1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack... I suspected that my husband was cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act, but instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st Woman: So what happened?
2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer... we'd both still be alive!
(-Stolen from Sandee.)
* (I added this opening line to set the scene.)