They's two things I knows a lot about. They is foods and womens. Yep, I knows my away 'round a table of food. They's been sayin' fer a long time that the way to a man's heart is thru his stomach. I guess that must be true, coz when I et some of the food cooked up by some of the gals in these here parts, I sure got some nasty heartburn.
My pappy once told me that when a gal cooked up some vittles, I should look at the food and then take a good look at her. His advice was to go fer the one what looked the best. It was mighty good advice too. It's like this, a lot the womens in the hills and hollers in the Appalachians ain't none too purty. You wudn't wanna be going ten toes down and ten toes up on an empty stomach wiffin them.
But they's always septshuns. They wuz this one gal what always looked better than the food she put on the table. Even though she wuz a purty thing, her cookin' gave roadkill a bad name! Her old hound dawg wudn't even eat what wuz leftover. I heared tell that the pigs out back of her paw's barn turned up their noses when slopped them leftovers. But that didn't stop me from callin' on her at breakfast time one day. Of course, I knowed fer a fact that her paw never got outta bed until after noon time.
Tiffany Biggins wuz jest 'bout the purtiest gal I ever knowed. And they ain't nobody I know that ever had a brick outhouse what wuz bilt better'n her. Yep, that's her pitcher yonder and I reckon you can tell that her last name was 'propriate enuff.I'm sure that when you took a gander at her pitcher, you musta seen that she wuz a blonde! I always figgered that all them blonde jokes was bein' told by people what must have knowed her.
Bye and bye one day, to test my theery I came up wiffin' an idea to get me a peek at that Biggins gal's biggens. So I made a bet of five dollars wiff her that my titties wuz bigger'n hers. Well, she laffed and said I wuz stoopid coz boys don't have 'natomies like that of a girl. Shucks, she played right into my plan. So I said to her she wuz stallin' coz she wuz 'fraid a-losin' the bet.
I'm a-tellin' you, she wuz bound and 'termined to win that bet. She slapped down a five dollar bill on the table and lifted up the bottom of her tank top. Now whilst I wuz gettin' eyefuls of them, I swear my jaw bounced offin that table!
Real deliberate like I opened up my shirt. I said to her that she won the bet. I picked up the five dollar bill and handed it to her. I decided to high-tail it outta there a-fore she figgered out I tricked her and gave her back her own five dollars. She never let me forget the day she won that there bet!
As much as I knowed 'bout courtin' and spoonin' I thought the only way I wuz gonna get in her pants wuz fer me to steal them offin the clothes line and put 'em on and wear 'em myself. Well, the next time I went for breakfast at Tiffany's I had done come up with a nudder plan.
I wuz a sittin' at the table bidin' my time a-chewin' and a-chewin' on what wuz 'sposed to be bacon, but I 'spect it mighta been a piece of an old inner tube. Later on I realized it was in fact bacon, coz rubber ain't that hard to chaw upon.
Like I said a-fore, she wuz one of them gals what wuz better lookin' than the food she cooked. So I worked up the gumption to ask her a question what wuz on my mind. I asked her if she wuz a real blonde! Of course, I wuz a figgerin' I cud get her to prove it.
Tarnation, iffin she didn't cross me up and said I must be color blind. She said anyone could see that her hair was a yeller color. So I said I would rephrase the question. I decided to get all cycle-logical and told her I was wonderin' if her carpet wuz a match fer her curtains.
Danged iffin she didn't start laffin' and callin' me stoopid again. She asked why would she want a sheer rug or a braided curtain. She said it didn't make any sense a-tall.
Well, she left me with no recourse but to 'splain what I wuz a-gettin' at. I told her that real blondes has hair in both places that is yeller. I said the color of head hair should match the other hair down yonder, ceptin' I referred to down yonder wiffin a word more 'splicit.
A few days later I came a-callin' again at breakfast time. I wuz a feelin' good too, thinkin' she was gonna show me that she wuz a real blonde. Y'all ain't gonna believe what I saw when I came into her kitchen. Tarnation, iffin' that cat of hers what used to be black all over wuz bleached yeller all over!
Well after that day I gave up on courtin' Tiffany. I figgered any gal what wuz that dumb wuzn't worth gettin' indigestion or food poison over.I did run into her a few years later. Gettin' as far as the ninth grade by the time she wuz twenty-three, she decided to use her schoolin' to go into bizness fer herself. She opened up a diner of all things. Wudn't y'all know it, there I wuz one mornin' stoppin' to have breakfast at Tiffany's again.
I asked her how her diner bizness wuz goin'. She said it wuzn't goin' none too good. She said she wuz changin' the menu all the time coz the customers didn't seem to like what she wuz a-servin' up. I wuzn't surprised, but to be friendly and all, I pertended to be and asked what she wuz puttin' on the menu.
She said she tried a lot of dif'rent things. One time she offered Bagels and Lox, but the first customer who tried to eat one broke two of his teeth when he bit into it. She said she lost money coz she had to throw away a heap of padlocks and combination locks. She said her Paw told her to sell poached eggs, but she refused to sell anything what wuz stolen from someone's hen house.
Then a cuzzin of hers who once visited England told her about somethin' called Bangers that they et over there. She said she figgered they must served flambay-like, so she lit 'em. She shook her head and said I wudn't believe what a firecracker goin' off in someone's mouth did to that one feller who ordered some of them bangers.
One lady complained about her soup special. She said they wuz more water than beans and there shud be more beans. Well, Tiffany counted 'one-two-three' right in front of the old gal and said she got what she ordered when she asked fer Three Bean Soup.
She said she thought 'bout addin' Pigs in a Blanket to the menu, but she didn't have a fryin' pan big enuff fer a whole pig and she figgered them quilted blankets might catch on fire.
She said that same cuzzin what had been to England also told her about a dessert what they like to eat over yonder. She said she ain't ever seen one and hoped she never did see one, but they was no way in hell she was gonna serve Spotted Dick.
When I asked her what her most pop'lar menu item wuz she said it wuz Fried Dough. I said that was a good thing to be on a menu. She shrugged her shoulders and said that even though it wuz her biggest seller at 49 cents, she wuz a losin' money on it.
I was curious and asked how wuz it that she wuz losin' money sellin' Fried Dough. She said she first noticed it when she run outta one dollar bills and had to start usin' fives. She saw me a-scratchin' my head. So she begin to 'splain how she wud dip a dollar bill in the batter, then drop it in a fryin' pan of grease and then serve it to a customer. She shook her head and said she cudn't figger out how at the end of the day when she counted the money in her register she always ended up wiffin less than when she opened up the diner.
I walked to the door and a'fore I left I said to her, "Tiffany, ater all this time a-knowin' you, I've come to the 'clusion fer sure that yer a REAL blonde!"