Monday, January 11, 2010

Fossil Fuel

Blogging To Save The World

News coverages around the world center on the discussions and heated debates about the diminishing supplies of fossil fuels and the research and development of alternative sources of energy.

It seems that the so-called experts in the fields of alternative energy are missing an obvious an untapped source of alternative energy. It is quite literally under their noses. With today's technological know-how, it should be a simple matter to construct an effective collection and distribution system and thus harness this limitless source of energy.

What is this untapped and limitless source of energy you ask?

It's a gas generated by practically every living thing on the planet Earth. That's right - flatulence! Allow me to put it more succinctly - farts!

As such, we sow what we reek! Proof that it can generate energy is demonstrated in the following graphic:

Of course that establishes in the following narratives the theme of this blog.
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional salesman in a store like Tiffany's, and greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have been there at the time of her little "accident," she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price!"

Obama Meets the Queen

At Heathrow Airport in England. A 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Obama strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well.

This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

She turned to Mr. Obama and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

Barack Obama, ever the intellectual and gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
There certainly is enough literature out there for these energy experts to cull through to learn more about these flatulent gases:

Selected Farting Statistics and Factoids (from all three Alec Bromcie books)

• Average number of farts per day: Man 15 to 17, Woman 8 or 9.
• Record farting frequency: 145 farts in 24 hours, 83 farts in 4 hours.
• The average man releases enough flatus in a day to blow up a small balloon.
• Farts can travel as far as 15 meters and the smell can linger for 5 minutes. Because some farts contain greater amounts of heavy gas, they will hang around longer than others.
• If you fart into a bottle and put the cork back in (or into an airtight tin), you can preserve your ripest farts for some time. ( Note: It is very unsocial to do this in someone else's flask or lunchbox. )

The Silent Ones
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh ... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"

"Well," said the doctor raising his voice a little, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."

Explosive Development

Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way.

On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.

After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said, "I looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit me in the eye."

So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says, "I was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head!"

Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach laughing his head off! The three ask him what's so funny?

The man replies, "I farted and that building exploded!"

Heap Big Problem

There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn’t come out.

So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, “Big chief, no fart.”

The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tomorrow to tell him what happened.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, “Big chief, no fart.”

The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, “Big chief, no fart.” The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, “Big chief, no fart.”

The doctor gives him 10,000 cans of beans and says, “If this doesn’t work then nothing will.”

The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.

The doctor anxiously asked, “Well, did it work?”

The messenger boy says, “Big fart, no chief!”


Sandee said...

Everything I wanted to know about farting but was afraid to ask. Bwahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day. :)

Hale McKay said...


Ah, an odoriferous response!