Monday, January 25, 2010

Senior Moments

Love Seat

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

Honest Abe

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protested the barkeep.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

Money's Worth

There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement
home. The old man says to the woman, "For five dollars, I'll have sex
with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex
with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room,
light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll
never forget."

The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her
purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says, "So, you want the
romantic night in my room, eh?"

The woman replies, "No, I want four times in the rocker."

Honeymooner

Jake is 85, and he gets married to a 16-year-old. He walks into the local bar when he gets back from his honeymoon, and all the guys want to hear about his wedding night.

Jake says, "Well, when we got to the hotel, my youngest son carried me up the stairs, undressed me, and lifted me onto the bed with my bride, so's me and her could spend the night together. The next morning all three of my sons came upstairs and lifted me off of her."

The bartender says, "Why did it take three sons to get you off?"

Jake says, "I fought 'em."

Hats Off To Her

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

The Burglar

An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small town. One day she went to the local grocery store. While she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her clothes off of the line, smashed the watermelons in her garden, cruelly shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find any money.

Well, a couple of hours later the old lady returned home. When she discovered what had happened to her house she immediately called the police. The officer on the other end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was.

She simply replied, "Officer someone broke into my house, took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my pussy."

'Til Death Do Us Part

An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again -- the strain would be too much.

The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation.

This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs -- she's coming downstairs, he's heading up.

"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide."

"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"

Vitamin C

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?"

Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.

A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"

False Advertisement

A patrolman was making his evening rounds in this small town. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

“Heavens no, we bought it,” one of them replied.

“Then why don’t you drive it away?” the officer asked.

“We can’t drive.”

Perplexed he asked, “Then why did you buy it?”

“We were told that if we bought a used car here we’d get screwed……we’re just waiting.”

That's the Guy!

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

Then the third old lady chipped in with: "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

1897

6 comments:

Jack K. said...

ROTFLMAO!!!!

Just what I needed to begin the week.

Thanks.

Sandee said...

I remember that guy too. Bwahahahahaha.

Have a terrific day. :)

Hale McKay said...

Jack,

I'm always glad to kick start someone's week.

Hale McKay said...

Sandee

That guy sure did get around, didn't he?

kidz_pets said...

Love the Monday humor. Thanks for making my day a bright one!!

Hale McKay said...

Kidz,

You're welcome. If the jokes brightened your day - then mine is brighter too!