A mother and young son were flying Aer Lingus. The son, who had been looking out the plane's window, turned to his mother and said "Mom ... If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area.
"Excuse me" the boy said to the stewardess. "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
"Yes" He said nodding his head.
She whispered in the boy's ear, "Tell your mother it's because Aer Lingus always pulls out on time."
Murphy was 77 years old and had worked 80 hours a week all his life and never had a holiday. His children were all married and his wife had died. He decided to enjoy life. He had a face lift, got a new expensive toupee, bought ten new suits and a brand new car.
One evening he got all dressed up in a new suit, new tie, put on his toupee, and got into his new car and drove off towards Dublin. He was only gone a mile when he was killed in an accident.
On arrival in heaven, he walked over to St. Peter and said, "What's going on here? All my life I worked hard, and finally, when I had everything in place to enjoy myself, I was killed. Why? Why did you let it happen?"
St. Peter ducked his head in embarrassment and said, "Well, to tell you the truth I didn't recognize you."
Four Irishmen were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a civil servant.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff". Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was clever.
Then the three men turned to the civil servant and said, "What can your dog do?"
The civil servant called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shat on the paper, shagged the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Mrs. Halloran had taken a lover during the day while her husband was at work. Her 9 year old son came home unexpectedly, so she put him in the closet and shut the door. Her husband also came home early, so she put her lover in the same closet with her son.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes it is."
Her son says - "I have a skateboard."
Man - "That's nice."
Son - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No thanks."
Son - "My Dad's outside."
Man - "How much?"
Son - "$500.00."
In the next few weeks it happened again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Son - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Son - "I have a helmet."
The lover, remembering the last time, asked the boy, "How much?"
Son - "$200.00."
Man - "Fine."
A few days later the father said to the boy, "Get your skateboard and helmet and show me how you can ride."
His son says, "I can't, I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Son - "$700.00."
The father said, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They went to the church and the father made the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closed the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest said, "Don't start that shit again."
Sister Brigid was teaching her young students one day and she asked each of them what they would like to be when they grew up. She came to a little girl who responded, "When I grow up I want to be a prostitute."
Shocked, good Sister Brigid fainted on the spot. Her students rushed to revive her. When she came around, Sister asked the little girl, "What did you say you wanted to be when you grew up?"
The little girl replied, "A prostitute."
"Oh thank goodness," the relieved nun replied, "I thought you said a Protestant."
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.
The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer shouting, "Silence in Court."
The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The judge says "Okay."
"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."
The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!"
Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers."
by Homer J. Simpson
DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to... [Looks into an empty glass]