Wednesday, March 03, 2010

A Lotto Bull

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I've never been one to pin the hopes of my future on chance. I suppose it's the 'New American Dream' to one day hit the lottery. I do occasionally spend a buck or two on those lottery drawings with the mega-jackpots - after all, you cannot win if you don't play. (Then again, if you don't play you can't lose either.)

The odds of winning, however, are so astronomical that I know I stand a better chance of getting struck by lightning! Surviving such a thing might be more in my favor also.

Thankfully, I've had the wherewithal to avoid those so-called 'instant winnings' instruments they call scratch tickets. They are those mass-produced ducats where you put up some scratch so you can scratch the coating off numbers and symbols and then scratch your head wondering why you didn't win.

A couple of days ago when I entered a convenience store to pick up the morning newspaper I witnessed an anecdotal example of some people's addiction to the lottery:
A woman had spent $25 on lottery scratch tickets. One of the tickets yielded a match of two numbers for a $1 prize.

She said to the counter clerk, "At least I won a buck."

Paying for a newspaper I was tempted to say to her, 'You didn't win anything. You lost $24!'
The fortunes and misfortunes of lottery players does provide some humor:

The Farmer & the Lottery

I saw an interview on TV where this one old farmer won ten million in the Lottery. Naturally he was asked what he was gonna do with all that money.

He kinda scratched his head and said, "Not sure as I know right off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."

The Irish Lotto

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!"

Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck.

Jock prays again: "Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"

Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders: "Jock, at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

The Lottery Ticket

One day Steve came home after losing a lot of money playing golf. A short while later his wife, Julie, came home from work wearing a new fur coat. "Hey, where'd you get that coat?" he asked her.

"Can you believe? My boss won on a lottery ticket and this was my share!" she explained.

A week later, Julie drove home a new car and once again explained that it was all part of the lottery winnings. A few weeks after that she came home wearing an expensive necklace and matching earrings. She came home a few nights later and told Steve she was very tired and asked if he could please start a bath for her. But when she got to the bathroom, there was only an inch of water in the tub. "Why did you put in so little water?" she asked her husband.

"Well, we don't want your Lottery Ticket getting too wet now, DO we?"

The Bank Account

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, " I want to open a f**kin' checking account."

To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a f**kin' checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no f**kin' problem, dammit!" the man shouts. "I just won $50 million bucks in the lottery and I want to open a f**kin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "...and this f**kin' bitch is giving you a hard time?"

№ 1926


Sandee said...

Bwahahahahaha. I liked the last one the very best.

Have a terrific day. :)

Jack K. said...

Ditto, Sandee.

Keeping the "ticket" dry is very important, too. snerx.

Lottery may be a lot like taxation, the poor buy the tickets hoping to make it big.

The rich have made it big so they don't have to play.

Kinda makes you wonder, don't it?

Hale McKay said...


yeah, all the poor guy wanted was to open an account.

Hale McKay said...


It seems that it is always the rich who get richer.