A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts," and the patients complied by standing up.
After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts." They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" They all started booing and cat calling.
Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked,"What in the world happened? "
The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled 'PEANUTS'!"
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here."
"You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks."
The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?"
"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties."
The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you."
As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"
President Obama was seen with his two daughters on the White House lawn. He was wearing a baseball cap and toting a ball and bat, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" his daughters said in unison.
Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
"Strike Two!" the girls cried.
He then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.
"Strike Three!" his daughters exclaimed.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world."
Coach Jones called the young lad in from center field during a Little League game for a conference.
"See here Larry," said the coach, "you know the principles of good sportsmanship that the Little League practices. You also know we don't tolerate temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, sir," replied Larry.
"Well, then Larry," sighed Coach Jones, "would you please try to explain it to your mother?"
Three baseball fans leave the stadium after a game and come across an unconscious, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the passed out woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive.
The first fan places his Boston Red Sox cap over her left breast, the second places his Phillies cap on her right breast and the third fan places his Yankees cap on her pubic area.
The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body.
He briefly lifted the Red Sox cap, and quickly replaced it; then he lifted the Phillies cap, and also quickly replaced it. However, when he lifted the Yankees cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Yankees cap once again and stared for a long time.
As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him and asked him why he spent so much time looking at the woman's genitalia, and he said, "It's the first time I've seen anything but an asshole under a Yankees cap."
He's waving that big stick.
With a tighter grip you can whack harder.
The shortstop went deep into the hole.
He stroked it up the middle.
They caught him off the bag.
He uses a short, quick stroke.
He smacks one back up the box
He took that one for a ride
He was caught looking and was punched out.
Well hit balls carry well in hot, humid weather.
On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a race horse with him to add to the starting lineup.
The coach asks, "What the heck did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat. At this point, the horse grabs the bat, and everyone quiets down. They stare at the horse.
The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hits the ball deep in the outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move. The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, "If he could run, he'd be at Belmont!"