Monday, May 03, 2010

Don't Say This In Bed

But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

Try breathing through your nose.

A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

Whipped cream makes me break out.

“Is your first time?” “Yeah. Today!”

Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

Pass the remote control.

On second thought, let’s do turn off the lights.

And to think I was gonna try to pick up your friend!

So much for mouth-to-mouth.

I hope you look this good when I’m sober.

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya?

Hey! I just had this couch cleaned.

Got any penicillin?

But I just brushed my teeth.

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs.

I want a baby.

So much for my sexual fantasy fulfillment.

Why am I doing all the work?

Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth.

Hmm. Maybe I'll paint the ceiling beige.

When does this start feeling good?

Put that blender back in the kitchen!

You’re good enough to do this for a living.

Did I remember to take my pill?

Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?

Too bad you don't get the Playboy channel.

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.

If you quit smoking, maybe you'd have more endurance.

No, really. I do this part better myself!

It’s nice being in bed with someone I don’t have to inflate!

This would be more fun with more people.

You’re almost as good as my ex!

Is that you I smell?

You look younger than you feel.

Maybe you’re just out of practice.

For a fat girl, you don’t sweat much!

That's not cracker crumbs, it’s a rash.

Now I know why they dumped you.

Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

What tampon?

Have you ever considered liposuction?

And to think I didn’t even have to buy you dinner!

What are you planning for breakfast?

I was so horny tonight, I would have taken home a duck!

Is that a hanging sculpture?

You’ll still vote for me, won’t you?

Did I mention my sex change?

Did you come yet?

Did you come already?

Want to know who I’m fantasizing about?

A good plastic surgeon can fix that.

Does this count as a date?

Oprah had a show about people like you.

Biting is so romantic.

Would you like to meet my parents?

Have you seen Fatal Attraction?

Do you mind if I make a phone call while you finish?

Don’t worry, he’s friendly for a Doberman.

Sorry, I don’t do toes!

Could you at least pretend you’re enjoying it!

Keep it down. Mom’s a light sleeper.

Did you know I work for The Enquirer?

So that’s why they call you Flash!

My ex used to go a lot longer!

When’s it my friend’s turn?

Long kisses clog my sinuses.

How long do you plan to be “almost there?”

What do you mean: you’re not my blind date?

What do you think you're going to do with THAT?!

Don't worry, I won't tell anyone.

I thought you had a condom!

I got your number from a bathroom wall.

That's my dad, the Police Chief. Why?

Nah, my last boyfriend said his AIDS was cured.

I thought in this state that 16 was legal.

When you said you were 'hung like a horse,' I wasn't thinking pony!

If you keep your feet up, you won't get pregnant.

Well, I'm done. How about you?

Oh, my kid-brother watches everything I do.

Don't you have anything in a large?

Did I mention I'm married?

Let me know when I'm supposed to breathe heavy.

When do I get paid?

I've never done this with someone else before.

You must be a good dentist... I didn't feel a thing.

Somehow I thought it was supposed to be bigger.

I can't believe I've been saving myself for that!

What do you mean, the condom's leaking?

That was much better than sheep!

Do you have a sister?

You don't mind if I wear surgical gloves, do ya?

Tell me if this hurts.

Have you seen the keys to the handcuffs?

Is it supposed to look like that?

Is it supposed to smell like that?

Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh.

Oh, hi, Dad!

Is it in?

I don't know what's wrong; it worked fine with your sister.

Dad says you'd make a great son-in-law.

I think 37 seconds is a new record for me.

Do you have a shoehorn?

Trust me.

Wrong hole! WRONG HOLE!!



Mike Golch said...


Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahaha. This is a long list of things not to say.

Have a terrific day. :)

Hale McKay said...


If you copy them - don't use them - at least not in bed. :o}

Hale McKay said...


I tyrust you haven't heard any of them - OR used any for that matter.