Batter Up

( This is a reprint from my July '07 archives.)

Baseball vs. Softball

Ah, if it's summer it's time for baseball and softball. You watch one while drinking beer, and drink beer you playing the other! The two sports are played with similiar rules and equipment, but there are some other "subtle" differences:

If you see the pitcher warming up with a catcher in the bullpen ... It's Baseball.

If you see the pitcher warming up with a babe in his Chevy Blazer ... It's Softball.

If the pitcher's Earned Run Average is 3.5 ... It's Baseball.
If the pitcher's Blood Alcohol Level is 3.5 ...It's Softball.

If a buxom girl runs onto the field to kiss one of the players ...It's Baseball.
If a buxom girl runs onto the field to play shortstop ... It's Softball.

If the manager is an older gentleman with a pot belly ... It's Baseball.
If the entire team is made up of older gentlemen with pot bellies ... It's Softball.

If the best seat in the house is the owner of the team's luxury box ... It's Baseball.
If the best seat in the house is the owner of Winnebago's lounge chairs he put on the roof ... It's Softball.

If after the game a crew must convert the field to football stadium ... It's Baseball.
If after the game a guy must convert the field to a flea market ...It's Softball.

If the third base coach signals the runner to go home ... It's Baseball.
If the third base coach signals his wife to bring him another beer ...It's Softball.


Some Differences in Terminology

Home Run - Baseball : A fair ball hit out of the park which allows batter and any runner on base to score.
Home Run - Softball : A trip to the nearest establishment that sells beer.

Grand Slam - Baseball : A home run with the bases loaded.
Grand Slam - Softball : Three eggs, bacon, toast, pancakes, and a bottomless cup of coffee at Dennys.

Battery - Baseball : Term used for the tandem of pitcher and catcher of a team.
Battery - Softball : Power source of a vehicle from which a cable is connected to the coolers to keep beer cold.

Web Gem - Baseball : A spectacular fielding play that is shown repeatedly on ESPN after the game.
Web Gem - Softball : A spectacular fielding play with a glove on one hand and a beer in the other without spilling a drop.

Bench Clearing Incident - Baseball : When all the players run onto the field in defense of a team mate if he was, for example, beaned by the pitcher.
Bench Clearing Incident - Softball : When all the players run onto the field to escape a team mate's reaction to the combination of beers and five-alarm chili.

Bench Clearing Brawl - Baseball : A fight, also called a brouhaha, that results from a bench clearing incident.
Bench Clearing Brawl - Softball : A fight that results from some member of the opposing team getting into the other team's beer cache.

Reading the Scoreboard

Baseball - Most everyone is familiar with scoring and can read a scoreboard. In a typical game situation: it may be the bottom of the fifth inning, with two outs, a runner on base, and the pitch count is three balls and two strikes.

Softball - Reading this scoreboard is ... well, a little different given the previous scenario. *Bottom the fifth - an empty Jack Daniels bottle. *Two out - when the girlfriend of an opposing player lifts her tee-shirt and flashes her breasts to distract the other team. * One On - someone else is using the toilet. *Count - how many beers each player has consumed to that point.

Centerfield - John Fogerty

Got me a beat-up glove, a homemade bat, and a brand-new pair of shoes,
You know I think it's time to give this game a ride,
Just to hit the ball and touch 'em all, a moment in the sun,
It's gone and can tell that one goodbye.

Oh, put me in, coach, I'm ready to play today,
Put me in, coach, I'm ready to play today,
Look at me, I can be centerfield.

№ 1985