Grandma and Grandpa are sitting on the veranda of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs.
Grandpa rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, "F**k you!"
Grandma rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, "F**k you too!"
Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts, "F**ck you!" swinging more forward again.
Grandma remains graceful but leans forward and says, "F**k you again."
This goes on for some time. Finally Grandpa says, "You know something, Grandma, this oral sex thing ain't all it's cracked up to be."
Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.
While making love to his wife a man said, "Let's do 68!
"What's that?" she asked.
The husband replied, "You give me head and I'll owe you one."
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
A young minister prepares to go to bed with his bride on their wedding night. Upon entering the bedroom he sees her lying down on the bed. He hears her praying, "Please Lord, let me please my husband."
Ever conscious of his duties to the Lord, he exclaims, "Woman, don't you know that you should be on your knees?"
Her surprised reply: "Well, OK, if that's what you want. But I always get hiccups when I do it that way."
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time." says the boy.
"Why is that?" asked him mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."