Wednesday, January 19, 2011

After 20 Days - Still Retired

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want. - Bill Watterson


Old Faithful

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout.

Time was when, of its own accords, from my trousers it would spring.

but now I have a full time job, just to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.

For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.

But now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its withered head, and watch me tie my shoes.

Retirement is the time when you never do all the things you intended to do when you were still working. - Anonymous

It's Better Than a Watch!

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years.

On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood.

As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!

He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison.

As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside.

He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside.

She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.

The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed.

He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it.

She explained, "When I called my husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."


I Heard You

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

You Know You're Retired ...

# There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

# You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

# Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun is a lot more work.

# Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Now isn't that a great time for a guy to get those kind of odds?

# You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

# Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

# Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

# You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

# You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before!

# The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

# It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

# When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.


Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short-term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these."

Even Retired Men Like Exotic Dancers



Anonymous said...

OH My, some of this I dread, some of this I share, and some...well I just hang my head and sigh...but still laughing and enjoying what life has yet to offer.-Cathy

Sandee said...

Yep, I'm looking at 60 this year and these are right on the money. Well not the men ones, but the rest are. I'll ask hubby about the men ones.

Have a terrific day. :)

Hale McKay said...


Your comments could just as easily have been my own. Thankfully we haven't reached all of these situations. Hopefully, there will be some that we never experience.

Hale McKay said...


Remember when we USED to look forward to retirement ...

As we get older, we realize that even THAT road is not paved in gold or covered in rose petals.