A Mish-Mash of This and That

A man staggered into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asked him "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's Monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that..."

------------------------------------------------

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh really?... Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden . So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'"

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know----, not everybody pays".

------------------------------------------------
A man visits his doctor.

“Doctor, I suffer from premature ejaculation. Can you cure me?” he asks.

“No, I can’t,” says the doctor. “But I can introduce you to a woman with a short attention span."

------------------------------------------------
Fred was experiencing a very tough time in his life. He felt his faith slipping and was desperate. He pulled out his Bible and decided to open it randomly to get a word from God.

So he flipped pages and stopped at Matthew 27:5, which says, "Judas went out and hanged himself."

He thought he'd try it again and Luke 10:37 came up, where Jesus said, "Go and do thou likewise."

So he quickly flipped to another verse and landed on John 13:27, which says, "What you are about to do, do quickly."

------------------------------------------------
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to have a car-share routine.

On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the vicar lay hands on the bonnet and pray silently.

"What are you doing?" the priest asks.

The vicar looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."

"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it on to the car.

The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.

"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.

"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and he runs into his synagogue, and he emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the end of the exhaust pipe.

№ 2109