Cellularitis

~ When it comes to keeping up with and adopting the new and wondrous electronic advances that appear daily, I am not the sharpest knife in the drawer. My household was one of the last to buy a microwave oven, and until the appearance of perfected microwavable popcorn, I thought the thing to be an expensive soup warmer. Perceiving anything promoted on television via infomercial of the ilk of the Pocket Fisherman, I had had no interest in George Foreman's Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine. Now, however, it has become an indespensible kitchen appliance, making quick work of steaks and burgers.
~ So it went with cable tv, cordless phones, CDs, DVD players, and of course the cellular phone. Cable tv, how did I ever get along without it? Before I had only a handful of stations to turn to without finding anything to watch. Cable gives me nearly 200 channels to reach the same result. I sure don't miss tangled telephone cords. I do pine for my 45s and LPs, but only for nostalgia sake. What can I say about DVDs but that they take up less storage space?
~ I truely stepped out of the dark ages when I got my first cell phone. (Actually it was a birthday gift from my daughter). I won't go into all the obvious advantages this device offers. Having heard and read about the horrors of contracts, peak hours, roaming fees, and dead spots, my delay venturing into world of the cell proved to be fruitful. Thus I chose the pre-paid route. I have no contract and I recieve no bills. I simply purchase pre-paid top-up cards and upload them as needed. It serves my needs, thank you.
~ The dullness of this knife, however becomes apparent when I am faced with the onslaught of add-ons and new features. Only recently did I discover that I was a 2G, a digital user, as opposed to the Jurassic 1G, an analog phone user. Aha, I must be moving on up to the West Side, ala the Jeffersons.
~ Now I can look closely at some of these cell phone features out there. They have photo capture, video record and play, PC synch, and Blue Tooth. The latter, I have neither a clue nor want to know. Then there all those dreaded acronyms and letters. I can get integrated PDA and GPS. I have spent my entire life making notes on a piece of paper, for that I need a PDA? Oh, I have been lost before for a short time, and not once was a search party dispatched for my whereabouts. Do I really need global positioning to tell me what latitude and longitude 34B Center Street is in relation to Broadway and Main?
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~ Hmmm...let's see just what these things can do for me. I can make a note on my PDA to use GPS to find a school like MIT where I can earn a PhD or an MBA. I can call my MD about my EKG results. I can order tickets to the NCAAs, PDQ. If I run out of GAS, I an call AAA. I can order some VO, Special K, or KY..oops. Never mind.
If my phone's DOA, I can buy some AAA batteries to make things A-OK.
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~ I might have bought into this phone-y baloney cellular-must-have mentality, and I might be a member of AARP, but if you call me on your cell phone, don't call me ASAP!
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~No. 37