Wednesday, April 06, 2005

The Boarders

The crowd was milling around as the paramedics attended to an elderly woman at a busy street corner. After checking her vital signs, they pulled her by the arms into a sitting position.
~ "What happened, Ma'am?" asked the young man.
~ "It was terrible, Barbara," answered he woman. "They just rode by on their noisy motorcycles and yanked my walker right out of hands!"
~ "The name is John, Ma'am," he corrected. "You say they were on motorcycles? And they took your walker?"
~ There was a buzz among the gathered crowd. They were feigning compassion, getting antsy waiting for the TV crew to show up. One young man was keeping himself busy though, deftly lifting wallets from those around him.
~ "Yes, Barbara," the lady exclaimed. "They took my walker. And they were laughing!"
~ "I'm John, Ma'am!"
~ "John?" she queried. "You aren't Barbara Walters?"
~ "Uh, no I am a man," he responded.
~ "I know, Barbara. All my friends know you are a man," she said. "Only a man could dress so dowdy. Did you know that Regis Philbin is really a woman, dear?"
~ The paramedic just shook his head as he and his partner helped he to her feet. Where upon she promptly kicked him in the groin and whacked the other in the head with her pocket book. Realizing that the spinster must be okay, the EMTs went to put their gear back in the ambulance. However, it was gone! It turned out that the pickpocket had stolen it while everyone's attention had been diverted.
~ It was then that the cops arrived. Polishing off the rest of their donuts, they advanced upon the scene. Billy clubs and stun guns ready, they promptly apprehended the perpetrators dressed as paramedics. One of the cops, the white one, was immediately recognized by the old lady as Whoopie Goldberg.
~ The results of the ensuing police investigation, led to a city-wide manhunt. Kids on bicycles, students on mopeds, and a college professor on a Segway scooter were summarily arrested. They cops were confident that they would soon put to an end the crime spree of the rogue motorcycle gang.
~ Eventually the case was broken. While a janitor cleaned up the Jack Daniels, a bribe from a man caught speeding in an ambulance, the gang struck again! In broad daylight and in front of the precinct headquarters, the Boarders had grabbed a walker away from an on duty beat Officer.
~ Eye witnesses confirmed that the gang was a bunch of teens on skate boards. The notorious bunch, the Boarders had been evading capture for months. They had been cited for terrorizing shoppers on parking lots, sidewalks, and playgrounds for years.
~ With the help of the FBI, the gang was dealt a serious blow when warrants were issued for the arrest of their leaders. The subsequent apprehensions of Whoopie Goldberg, Barbara Walters and Regis Philbin sent shockwaves throughout the brotherhood of skate boarders. Fearing that she would be locked up with Walters and Goldberg, Philbin promptly spilled her guts.
~ In a massive sting operation, the Feds submitted files and photographs to America's Most Wanted. While the program was being aired across the nation, it achieved its highest rating ever. All of America applauded in front of their TV sets as John Walsh was led away in handcuffs.
~ The plague of skate boarders still continues across the country. They still display no respect for citizens or the law. With their leaders stashed away in prison they are no longer organized.
~ It is agreed across America however, that the quality of TV programming has been improved vastly!

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