Thursday, June 09, 2005

It Takes Two Hands To Handle A Whopper

Picture in your mind that you are removing the cork from a bottle of wine. You will hear that creaking sound as the cork and bottle neck protest separation. Finally your efforts are rewarded with an explosion of release - that familiar "pop." Now, if you will, hold on to that image until you have read a little more.
~ This was too funny to keep to myself. It was an occurrence that just begged to be captured on video. Because I had no recording device at hand, I felt I had to first set the scene for you. Perhaps then you place yourself by my side and experience it first hand. The scene: a Burger King parking lot on a hazy hot and humid afternoon. Backdrops: My truck, a maroon '98 Sonoma. Her vehicle, an '04 red and white Mini Cooper. The cast: Me. Her. Props: me, a Double Whopper w/cheese, a large onion ring, and a vanilla shake. Her, orange pants.
~ Now that we have established the scene and the cast has been identified, it is time for you to call upon the imagery of that cork being removed from the wine bottle.
~ As you know, it takes two hands to handle a Whopper. With that culinary concoction advancing to face the onslaught of my teeth, I was savoring the first mouthful. Have you ever seen a conveyer belt or an escalator stop suddenly? Well there it was, that virginal burger suspended in my hands, short of its destination, unmindful of mouth agape. As if someone had hit the pause button, it was if I were in suspended animation.
~ My eyes, however were busy, still filming he spectacle unfolding before me. The aroma of the hovering Whopper continued to waft, causing my mouth to water and my stomach to growl at the impromptu stoppage. Still rolling, my eyes recorded in vivid detail that which you are about to read. The woman in the Mini Cooper was attempting to extract herself from the car. Her international orange pants evoked thoughts of Linus' Great Pumpkin! To say this woman had a large derriere would be to understate the obvious. Believe you me, she was in need of a back up bell!
~ It is now that you should concentrate on the image of that cork and wine bottle. It is now that the "creaking" has started. The building pressure and resistance of door and hips are nearing the point that something has to give!
~ The growing crowd you see have not gathered waiting for you to pour them some fruit of the vine. Three or four people stopped on the lot near our two vehicles. Whether they were amused by what they were witnessing, or had stationed themselves close by if their help might be needed, I am not certain. From my passenger mirror, I had my doubts about how much help they would be, because I saw no winches or block and tackle among them.
~ The creaking was more pronounced, something was surely about to give. I was compelled, but did not, yell "Thar she blows!" If an intent audience can be considered fanfare, so it was we heard the "pop!" She was free! I assume those in back of us resisted the temptation to go into a boisterous round of applause. In fact, they were gone.
~ It was then that I saw the person attached to the backside. Folds of flesh bulged from what I assumed was the waist of those orange pants, and from beneath and above a purple halter top. I wasn't sure if I should have been turned off by the flesh, her color scheme, or the wardrobe itself.
~ Salvation was mere inches from my still gaping mouth. The Whopper was still suspended where it had stopped before, clasped in my two hands awaiting further orders. My brain finally meshed the gears and set the mechanisms of my arms into motion. The Great Pumpkin and the bottle of wine slowly faded into my subconscious mind.
~ I practically inhaled that Whopper! If it were possible to have absorbed the thing by osmosis, I would have done so. I was of the mindset that I did not wish to see the woman return. I had no desire to see how many bags of food she would be carrying upon the return to her car.
~ I shuddered as I was pulling out of the parking lot. For some morbid reason, I had begun to picture her attempting to get back inside of that little car. Imagine, if you will, trying to put that cork back into the bottle! Need I say more?
~ God bless her husband, that is if she was indeed married! I certainly hope that he too is a large person. It would help too if Mr. Great Pumpkin had a pair of rather large hands. As you know, it takes two hands to handle a Whopper!

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