Wednesday, September 14, 2005
(Here's a few more jokes from parrots and ducks, to Hillbillies and TV Dinners.)
A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot. He took the parrot home,
and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just
swore at him. After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said,
"If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment."
The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer.
About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door.
As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said,
"I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"
A magician worked on a cruise ship, the audience was different each cruise,
so the magician did the same tricks over and over.
There was one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows and began to understand
how the magician did every trick.
The parrot would start shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, its not the same
hat or all the cards are the ace of spades," which made the magician furious, but
coudn't do anything. It was the captain's parrot!
One stormy nite the ship sank in a storm, but the magician was lucky to find a
piece of wood floating in the middle of the ocean as fate would have it,
the parrot was on it also.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word,
this went on for 3 days. Finally on the forth day the parrot could not hold back
any longer and said "OK! I give up, where is the #%&*^%& ship?"
Three men die and when St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates he
says "Gentlemen, in Heaven there is only one rule: Don't step on a
duck." So the men walk through the gates and realize the floor of
Heaven is absolutely covered in ducks. All three walk around very
carefully, but one of them suddenly steps on a duck. St. Peter comes
over and says "I am sorry, you have stepped on a duck and broken the
rules, you must stay like this for all eternity," as he handcuffs the
ugliest woman the man had ever seen to his wrist. The other two men
move on with renewed determination, but inevitably the second man
steps on a duck.
Peter brings over the ugliest woman he'd ever seen
and apologies saying "I am sorry, you have stepped on a duck and
broken the rules, you must stay like this for all eternity." The
third man decides he is not stepping on a duck even if it means never
moving again. After months of not stepping on a duck St. Peter comes
over and says "Congratulations! You have not stepped on a duck since
you got here, this is your reward." and he handcuffs the most
beautiful woman the man had ever seen to his wrist. The man could not
believe his luck, and in his joy he asked "What did I do to deserve
this?!" And the woman responded "I don't know about you, but I
stepped on a duck"
Deep in the backwoods of Redneck County, a hillbilly's wife goes into labor in the
middle of the night. The doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said,
"Here- you hold this high so I can see what I am doing." Soon a baby boy was
brought into the world.
"Whoa, there!" said the doctor. "Don't be in such a rush to put the lantern down.
.... I think there's another one coming!" Sure enough within minutes he delivered a
"Hold the lantern up, don't set it down! There's another one!" said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he delivered a third baby.
"No! Don't be in such a hurry to put the lantern down! It seems there's
yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor,
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"
There are two guys in the city, walking their dogs on a really hot summer day.
They walk by a bar so the first guy says "Hey lets go for a beer!"
The second guy says "Sounds great but what do we do with the dogs?"
The first guy says "Follow my lead," and he walks in the bar with the dog, pretending to be blind.
The second guy follows his lead. The bartender says to them "Hey guys
no pets allowed" So the first guy says "We are blind," and the bartender says,
"I have seen Golden Retrievers as seeing eye dogs but a Chihuahua?"
The second guys says "They gave me a #%$^@$ Chihuahua?"
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
his new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of
the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of
workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,
"How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow
looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed,
"Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty
good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'M BROKE!!!"
And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man
wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto
her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned
good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
An avid golfer drops off his Cadillac for servicing.
A mechanic gets in the car and finds two golf tees on the seat.
He asked his partner what they were. His partner told him
"Those are what you put your balls on when you drive"
The first guy says "Damn! Those Cadillac people think of everything!! "
A woman walks into a bar with a monkey on her shoulder.
An old man that had a few too many says "Hey, where'd you get the pig? "
The woman looks at him in disgust and ignores him.
A minute later the man says "Hey, where'd you get the pig? "
The woman gets angry and says "I'll have you know this is a monkey! "
The old man says " I know, I was talking to the monkey! "
Did you hear that the man who invented TV dinners died?
Halfway through the funeral they rotated his coffin and poked holes in it.
Curmudgeon responsible for this post: Hale McKay at 11:05 PM