From Earth With Love

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When you wish upon a star - let's face it, you've seen Pinnochio too many times!
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For well over a half century, Earth has been littering interstellar space with radio and television transmissions. Traveling at the speed of light, 186,000 miles per second, these signals are well beyond Sheboygan by now. Indeed they have long since left the Milky Way Galaxy.
....Somewhere out there an astronaut from the Alpha Centauri system may be picking up strange signals that appear to be coming from deep space. When the recording is analyzed, the repeating patterns of sound are determined to be back ground interference. Nonetheless, the youth of the planet adopt what the adults consider to be annoying sounds. "Papa oom mow mow" will become their rebel yell.
....In another quadrant of space, such recordings of the space noise convinced the Vegans that there was no intelligent life out there. In spite of what seemed to be no more than random sounds, a recording featuring the strange sounds "ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang," captivated the youth of the planet Vega II.
....In still another sector of space, the scientists of Rigel were studying strange images coupled with radio signals. It was theorized that there was in fact intelligent life on another planet thousands of light years away. Those beings, a top anthropologist determined, were at a state of evolution that would place them just above an unborn Rigelian. He said that only imbeciles would record themselves in such an unflattering manner and then transmit them out into space. While it was insane to consider that the images were a form of entertainment for those beings, many of the Rigelian populace embraced them. Within six weeks, the men returning from work were being heard making the announcement, "Lucy, I'm home!"
....From galaxy to galaxy, whether on the planets of the Sirius or Betelgeuse systems, the creatures of those worlds had their own thoughts about the curious sounds and signals emanating from deep space. Some planets readied their off-planet defenses in case the signals were a prelude to a possible invasion. While others were only appalled by the bipedal fauna featured in the images. They wondered why the intelligent beings did not record themselves.
....Above another planet in still another galaxy a saucer-like space ship is being piloted by the equivalent of a teenager on Earth. The youth, accompanied by a female of his species, is looking for a secluded asteroid. He is about to utter what turns out to be a standard line throughout the cosmos, "Uh oh! I'm out of fuel!"
....Qaarx was experienced with the opposite sex. Grrndl herself is not as innocent as she lets on. The eyelash on on her upper eye fluttered at her suitor. The other two frontal eyes were glowing amber around a dilated purple iris. At the same moment, the eyes on the back of her body were fixated on the unfolding bedroom behind them.
....Unknown to them, their planet was almost identical to the one that had originated the signals from space. From the speakers of the 250-track sound system blared the current top-selling space sound. An enterprising astronomer had bought the rights to the recordings and had been selling reproductions of the alien signals. That particular number one sound was preferred by the youth when they were engaged in sex, because of its ever-increasing tempo. They had no idea what "Beep-Beep" meant or what a Nash Rambler was, but by synchronizing their bodies to the rhythm of it, they achieved what they called the ultimate in sexual experiences.
....Soon after joining her in the back cabin of his ship, their twelve prehensile limbs became intertwined. Each of their three arms and legs were seeking one of six erogenous zones on the body of the other. Even as the tempo of the sounds were increasing in tempo, two more appendages appeared from the male's body. The two male sexual organs hastily snaked around her body, their destination no doubt was her two awaiting receptive orifices.
....Their rapid body thrusts reached a crescendo just as the final notes were heard, "...How do I get this car out of second gear?" If there was as such a comparison to an orgasm with these beings, their appendages all seemed to tense before relaxing and loosening their grips on the other. While the strange bipeds in the images from space used small cylinders to release smoke from their bodies after acts of sex, Qaarx and Grrndl exuded smoke from the tips of their multiple arms and legs. From their sex organs bluish sparks lept about.
....The sounds and images now reaching those distant planets have only just begun to bombard the alien airwaves. One can only shudder as to what their reactions will be to the wars, riots and acts of terrorism. What will they think, the day when those poor souls start seeing images of Phylis Diller and Rosanne? Will they ask, "How can anyone even like Raymond?" How many of them will vomit (if they indeed can do so) the first time they hear Michael Bolton?
....When humans finally venture out into the farthest reaches of space and someday meet the inhabitants who have been receiving our broadcasts for 200 years, what will First Contact be like? How long will it before the ascendants of Michael Jackson try to claim back payment for two centuries of royalties on all those songs? Will Aaron Spelling's heirs claim rights to Beverly Hills 90201?
....What greetings will explorers from earth hear? "Boop-Boopy-Do?" ; "Shazaam, Shazaam!" ; "One of these days, pow! Right to the moon!" ; "Two all beef patties..." ; "Here's Johnnnny!"

Maybe we should warn them before we make it out there: "There is no intelligent life out there!"

No. 361