Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Love, Appalachian Style

With the runaway success of A Spoonin' and a Sparkin', the world's first Hillbilly Romance novel, it was inevitable that there would be movie and TV offers. The Butts family has agreed to a multi-year deal with the up-start Old Hoss channel. The contract, said to be in the neighborhood of $100 per episode, will more than double the family's income which consists of the proceeds from Paw's lucrative home brew business and Maw's hand-made braided rugs.

(An introduction to the novel can be found in post number 352, "Hillbilly Romance Novels.")

Executives from the network are rumored to be in negotiations with Maw and Paw Butts for a "Mountain Living" program. The Butts matriarch will give viewers up close and personal cooking tips from her personal recipes which have been handed down to her from several generations of the Butts and Bigger families. Martha Bigger-Butts was quoted as saying, "I want to make right on that gall durned idea 'bout what we'en hill folks eat. We jest don' live on possum innards! We eat the outards too! And the pelt makes one purty good pocket book in case those ladies out there wanta make a fashion statement."

Segments of 'Mountain Living" will also feature Paw Butts demonstrating his building skills. Among the projects featured will be a pig sty and food trough, a three-legged stool for cow milking, and a double-occupancy outhouse. He will also give tips of what to do when the lean-to is full. He will show how to turn the waste into an effective fertilizer for the vegetable garden. He give tips on getting rid of yellow jackets. You will be captivated as he discusses the various substitutes for toilet tissue.

Music lovers will be entertained as he sings his rendition of "Little Brown Shack"
..."It wasn't fancy built at all, We had newspapers on the wall, And it was air-conditioned in the winter time. It was just a humble hut, And its door was never shut, And a man could get inside without a dime! "
..."It was not so long ago, That I went trippin' thru the snow, Out behind my ol' hound dog, Where I'd lay me down to rest , Like a snow bird on its nest, And read the Sears and Roebuck catalog."
..."Behind the door with a moon, I would hum a happy tune, To the yellow jacket's drone, I could orbit 'round the sun, Fight with General Washington, Or be a king upon a golden throne." *

Mr. Butts will demonstrate how to construct your own still and give the finer points for making your own home brew. While the secret formulae and location of his "brewery" will not revealed, network executives have assured him that the Revenuers will receive a generous stipend for not disrupting the filming of his segments.

In addition to displaying her cullinary skills, Maw Butts will show the viewers how to make their own corn-cob pipes. She will discuss the many uses of lard outside of the kitchen, such as a lubricant and a balm for poison ivy, oak and sumac. She will demonstrate how lard can be used as effective birth control. When a woman smears herself from head-to-toe with lard, the men will simply slide off anytime they make unwanted attempts at groping or even forced entries.

Meanwhile, their daughter Beulah will be busy filming her own program, which will be a reality show. She will act out a modern day version of the Hillbilly tradition, Sadie Hawkins Day. There will be twelve bachelors who will attempt to resist her advances to bed them. The last one to give in will be declared the winner and will be rewarded with a brand new pair of bib overalls and clod hoppers.

Then there is the movie that is currently going through the pre-production processes. The movie, with the working title, Love, Appalachian Style , will tell the story of a rural naive mountain girl and her quest for Mr. Right. The heroine finds it is not easy to find a man who can beat her at wrestling in the West Virginia clay on the backwoods country roads. When she lies naked in submission, will she find a man who will not literally go to town when she says, "Go to town?" The studios are not forthcoming with many details about the film, but they have gone on record to say that it will be the surprise hit of the year when it is released.

We can only stay tuned to The Old Hoss Channel for future developments regarding these TV programs and the movie.

*(Please note: Paw Butts didn't quite have the lyrics right. It seems that both he and I were trying to rely too heavily on our memories. Below are the complete lyrics. For your pleasure, there is also a link provided so that if you wish you can hear a recording of the original song from 1966-67. It requires a Real Player. If you don't have a Real Player, the link will allow to download one free. Enjoy a little piece of good ol' West Virginia folk singing.)

That Little Old Shack Out Back
as performed by Billy Ed Wheeler
at the West Virginia Folk Festival in the late 60's

They passed an ordinance in the town:
they said we'd have to tear it down,
That little old shack out back so dear to me,
Though the Health department said,
"Its day was over and dead"
It will stand forever in my memory.

Don't let em tear that little brown building down,
Don't let em tear that precious building down,
Don't let em tear that little brown building down,
For there's not another like it in the country or the town.

It was not so long ago
that I went trippin' through the snow
Out to that house behind my old hound dog
Where I would sit me down to rest
like a snowbird on his nest
and read the Sears and Roebuck catalog

I would hum a happy tune,
Peepin' through the quarter-Moon,
As my daddy's kin had done before;
It was in that quiet spot,
That daily cares could be forgot...
It gave the same relief to rich and poor.

Now it was not a castle fair
But I could build my future there,
an' build my castles to the yellow jacket's drone:
I could orbit round the Sun,
Fight with General Washington,
Or be a King upon his golden throne.

It wasn't fancy built at all.
It had newspapers on the wall
It was air-conditioned in the wintertime;
It was just a humble hut
but its door would never shut,
And a man could get inside without a dime.




schnoodlepooh said...

Congrats on the 6,000. Try as I might, I just can't catch up with you. You have captured the readers thanks to your advertising on Hoss TV! Have another chocolate beer and celebrate, Hoss style!

Hale McKay said...

Thanks must be extended to you also.

kenju said...

Really funny and with a good imagination!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

"The role of traveling salesman has been offered to Mike Ashley. His agent had no comment except to say, 'We have to consider whether he will get to plonk. If so, it's a no-brainer.'"

Back when that song was writ, pay toilets was only a nickel in Oregon. The pay toilet people finally threw in the towel when most of their doors mysteriously fell off their hinges...