Saturday, November 12, 2005

Brewed Awakenings

The Human Male:
Main Ingredients

In order to make a human male from scratch you need certain raw elements. Unfortunately these elements breakdown within a twenty-four hour cycle. It has been theorized that the first batch from the recipe was left out in the rain too long. Thus, the male must be rebuilt virtually every morning.

To start, you will need the disheveled mass of a semi-conscious personage, which can often be found in an inert puddle in a typical bed of a typical bedroom. Sometimes they can be harvested from a living room sofa or a Lazy Boy recliner with an extrinsic remote control locked in a death grip in its hand. Whether this mass is a familiar article of your home, or came to be there from an overnight rental you picked up, it must be brought to life. It must be roused from its repose to be sent off to work or to its own home.

Having secured said personage, it must first be drained of excess fluids before it can be of any use. Using the attached drainage tube which is located at the apex of the lower extremities, dispel any and all liquids. Hopefully, any solid materials will expurgated after the completion of the revival. The tube will appear as a swollen appendage, usually hidden, yet visible through a thin veneer of cloth. There will be times, depending on the type of cloth if any present, that this tube will be fully exposed making the drainage process easier. Once the tube has been drained it should be shaken to prevent dripping. At this point you will notice that the drainage tube will shrink to an insignificant size.

Meanwhile in the kitchen, pour a measured amount of earthlike granules into the proper compartment of the device found on most counter tops. Into a separate compartment, ordinary water, also measured, is to be added. With the power on the water is boiled and allowed to pass through the granules. The exuding aroma in and of itself will begin to cause synaptic activity in any semblance of a brain that may be present.

You are now ready to pour the hot liquid into the same orifice that had been espousing so much bullshit the night before. While signs of life may be immediately observed, it might be necessary to apply two cups of the brew. Before your very eyes, what had only minutes earlier been an amoebic mass of useless flesh, is slowly transformed. The personage transmutes into a thing of living breathing tissue.

If you've had the forethought to have donned a robe or some other non-flattering article of clothing, the man will now be able to function on its own. He can be persuaded to dress to himself and go off to work, or to his own home. If on the other hand, you are still wearing nothing or some revealing lingerie, he has been known to suddenly take more than a casual interest in you. If that is desirable on your part, you have created a working, fully functional male human. If, however he has no reaction to your full or partial nudity, then my dear, your experiment has failed!

(The idea for this posting, as well as the title was inspired by a coffee shop in Lowell, Mass., bearing the name Brewed Awakenings.)



aka_monty said...

See, if we didn't get the response we wanted and awaken the man in question more quickly and thoroughly than the coffee...we would burst into tears and immediately shout "YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!" and run out of the kitchen and into the bedroom, slamming every door in between.

Tenderheart said...

Coffee??? That's it???