Tuesday, December 06, 2005

...And Yule Like It!


I once swore that I would never wear Capri pants. I am close to admitting that maybe, just maybe they could prove practical. The PC crap has been getting so deep lately that it has become rather laborious to keep rolling up my pants legs.

I won't get into the knuckleheads who managed to take prayer and The Pledge of Allegience out of our schools. (Isn't it curious that these same shit-for-brains will think nothing of saying "God Damn!") I won't persecute the pond scum who kept it up until even the Nativity Scene was banned from public property.
....They won those battles, albeit by shooting us in the back, so I'll pass on belittling them. (I will still laugh when I turn on the lights and watch them scurrying around for shelter.)

I didn't need Capri pants back then. Just thinking about procuring a pair or two, has raised a couple of questions about fashion though. Should a man shave his legs when he wears Capris? Is it okay to wear them with sandals and black socks? I guess I can risk a fashion faux pas for now.

I'll take a deuteragonist role here, as Hoss is the lead on the latest attack by the PC police. (Sorry about the $5 word, it's the first chance I've had to use it in a long time. The Lone Ranger was the lead role on the old TV and radio shows, while Tonto was the second most important character, or the deuteragonist. I decided to spare you from digging out the Funk & Wagnels.)
....Now the Sanctity Snipers are attacking the very name of the upcoming holiday - Christmas - because it contains the name of Christ. Sayeth them, "Well, God Damned! Jesus Christ! You know you can't call it Christmas anymore!" They pauseth and then add, "You will now refer to it as the Yule season, or Yule time, and Yuletide is okay too."
....You will notice that the wiseacres carefully avoided using the contraction you'll. That is because it sounds like Yule. It is a set up, you see. After the holidays, they will nail us for using you'll out of season. Eventually you will be obligated to say 'you will' henceforth because the contraction will be stricken from our language or relegated to the same status as ain't.

Like Hoss, I like to be one step ahead of these characters, even if I have to scrape the bottoms of my shoes later. Before I begin my diatribe, if any of them were to come into my house and refer to my twinkling fiber optic tree as a holiday or Yule tree, I will post haste find out if they'll take exception to being called a popsicle because of the tree projecting from their holy rectums. I'm Dickens, he's Sphincter!
....For the time being, I am appointing myself Sheriff of the Sanctity Snipers with some targets of my own. I can shovel it too. Let them go scurrying about in the light trying to buy some speedos, because the shit is going to get real deep now!

From this day forward, the state of Alabama must change its name. That stuff that they make Easter eggs out of, can no longer be called alabaster. You know those items on a menu with a separate price, they will no longer be referred to as a la carte. That cream sauce you have with chicken - gone is the term a la king. Davy Crockett didn't die at the Alamo, but at an old mission. We all like ice cream on our apple pie; get over it, a la mode is to be deleted.
....I know you are scratching your heads in wonder, and probably other parts of your collective anatomies for other reasons I won't get into. Why in the world would I attack these words and that proud state? Say them aloud. What sound do they contain? That's right, they all begin with same sound as "Allah." This is America. We do not believe in Allah. They sure like the American money, don't they. I'll now point out the fact that it doesn't say "In Allah We Trust." Indeed, it says "In GOD We Trust."
....It has also come to my attention that the peoples of Belarus might be insulted about one of our terms. I know it is a stretch, but out of respect for them we'll have to find a new name for the belly dancer. We could try abdomen dancer, but sooner or later they'll shorten it to abs dancer, which is too similar to lap dancer. Of course, the Lapplanders already have a problem with that one.

I am also going to spearhead the next onslaught of PC overkill. I am hereby bringing notice that since my name is Mike, I take exception to a microphone being shortened to mike. I am sure that others will find a beef with the improper use of their names. Do you like those wooden things being referred to as a Peg , Schnoodlepooh? I'll bet Jim doesn't like people going to the gym. Do you think they can find a better name for a bathroom, John? I am sure that once this grows into more than just a grass roots movement, we'll be hearing from Ray, Russell, Art, Bob, Jack, Mary, Bill, Gene, Jean, etc., to name just a few.

Oh, by the way, those of you who speak in street slang and rap, please be careful at the dinner table when you ask for mo' ham. (Somebody might think you mean Mohammed.)

Lest I Forget:

No.454

5 comments:

Nankin said...

MERRY CHRISTMAS to you too. Thanks, I needed a good laugh this morning.

StringMan said...

I've already used the word deuteragonist twice today. I took it as my word of the day. Reminds me of "penultimate"-- always thought that meant super duper ultimate. I was bummed to learn it meant next to last ... Merry Christmas!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

You mean that guy with no arms and no legs who's lying in a bed of leaves? You mean "Russell"?

Thoughts said...

Look, the name is Robert, not rob, not bob....

I don't like people who steal money and goods from others using a version of my name for their professional activities (Robbers)

I don't like people who fish, using a variation of my my name for a little plastic thingy that they use to hold up the hook off the bottom (Bobbers)

And I'll be damned if I will ever like those that decided they had a girl and really wanted a boy (Roberta)

Sorry guys, I kinda got carried away, or was that the point????.....


Thoughts

Long Iron said...

Little by little these puritan morons are beginning to get on my fu... uh freaking nerves. When I have some fat assed cow at work try and tell us that the decorations can no longer say Merry Christmas, well that just about boils my blood. Great post.

And uh...MERRY CHRISTMAS.