Monday, December 19, 2005

Mountain Dew Fer You

Native to backwoods of Appalachia, the White-tailed Pickled Deer have been placed on the endangered list. Hunted to near extinction, these rare deer have been prized as a redneck delicacy for several generations.

The female of the species, the Dill Doe is a favorite of the ladies of the hills. Venison brine is the secret ingredient in many kitchens. The eldest of the women claim they get more pleasure from the Dill Doe than anything their menfolk have to offer.

The species is thought to have evolved from drinking out of the many streams and rills found in the valleys and hollows of the rural Appalachian Mountains. Decades of run-off from their canning of pickled cucumbers, beets, beans, corn, hard boiled eggs and pigs feet eventually found its way into the water table.

The menfolk claim the flesh of the Pickled Deer is tender and juicy with just a tinge of dill. Said Jedadiah Bodkins, "It durn near tastes like chicken, 'ceptin' there ain't no feathers."

When told about the origin of the species Gertrude Moses said, "Tarnation! If our men drunk that water instead of their hootch from the stills, us womenfolk would have no use for a Dill Doe." She was quiet for a moment before adding with a grin, "But I reckon Dill Does likely would still come in handy when the men are off on their huntin' trips."

Many of the local yokels have told authorities of an unusal amount of the Pickled Cottontail Rabbit they have been seeing in the hills around their stills and cabins. It appears that the rabbits have begun to evolve from drinking from the same water supplies as the deer. While they have noticed a briny taste in the flesh of the rabbits, the Hillbillies have also seen the critters mating habits changing. "If I didn't know no better," said Clyde Clyde, "Those bunnies act like they are enjoying their fornicatin'. Hell, I even seen a few of them in the Missionary Position."

Many of these reports have been discounted, though. Apparently many of these reports were given after the men had downed three or four fingers of their homemade brews. Harley Sloan said, "My recipe is for a concoction that is used for medicinal purposes only." When asked what his malady might be he answered, "Why, I was thirsty!"

Although unconfirmed, it seems that the run-off from the hidden stills may be also affecting the evolution of certain deer. There are rumors of some deer that seem to sparkle. "It's like they have a glow," said Hank Belcher. "If they drunk from my still they'd be shinin' like they done ate some of Maw's chili."

Barney Sloan, half-brother twice- removed of Harley, said he had seen some frogs acting different than usual. "I seen one of them dancin' around on the rocks and lily pads down at my pond. Tweren't normal frog sounds that big bull was a makin' neither. Dang if it didn't sound like he was carryin' a tune."

"It seems that while all the menfolk are all sittin' around and gettin' loaded on their mountain dew and a blatherin' on about how strange some animals are fornicatin'," said Gertrude Moses, "Us womenfolk aren't gettin' any. So's we all gals will just gather around and more than just talk about our Dill Does."



jules said...

Dill Doe....LMAO...I'm gonna have to figure out how to link you Mikey. You make me laugh on a daily basis!

Nankin said...

I needed a chuckle to start my day in the great white way of the corporate world. What a hoot!

Cheri said...

Where you find this stuff is an amazement to me but I am so glad that you do! Not a day goes by that you don't start my morning with a smile! Thank you!

Pirate said...

well now I have a big smile on my face. Thanks. I thought Dildo was a town in Nova Scotia or New Brunswick?