Sunday, December 18, 2005

Redneck Doinz

Redneck Dictionary
ahz: the things you see with
aig: which come first, the chicken or the aig?
arn: an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing.
bawl: what water does at 212 degrees.
bidness: commercial enterprise
bobbycue: a delectable southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw an a fiery sauce.
co-cola: any form/brand of soft drink.
clinics: a tissue
crine: weeping
dawfins: name of the pro football team in Miami.
daints: a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music.
dayum: an expletive; in other states, a four-letter word.
doc: a condition caused by an absence of light.
far: combustion git: to acquire
goff: a game played with clubs and a little white ball.
hep: a cry for assistance, as in "HEP! There's a far!
hoss: a large, solid-hoofed, herbivorous animal.
lectricity: energy for arns, tvs, an other thangs.
liberry: a building where thousands of literary works are kept.
nekkid: to be unclothed.
ole well: a source of petroleum.
own: opposite of awf (see lectricity).
paypuh: what you write on.
shevuhlay: a General Motors car.
spearmint: something scientists do.
stow: establishment where things are sold.
tar: a round inflatable object which sometimes goes flat.
zackly: precisely
A Redneck's Friendly Skies
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

"You might be a redneck if go to family reunions looking for a date." - Jeff Foxworthy



jules said...

Funny Joke? Wow, my two favorite things in one place being a nympho and Chicago. What hotel is it at this year????

Ivy the Goober said...

I had me some fine bobbycue the other day.

schnoodlepooh said...

Pretty funny. I want to attend that convention also - for research purposes, of course.

StringMan said...

My company had each floor compete in a "Holiday" decorating contest. Our theme on Floor 3 was "Redneck Christmas" based on Foxworthy's 12 Days of Redneck Christmas. Management was rooting against us (we really went over the top, with a 'table dancer' display and everything), 'but we done winned the thang'. That photo of the Redneck army was one of our center pieces ;-)