Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Day of the Dead
Some say it was because of an extremely intense solar flare. Some say it was due to a high intensity dose of X-rays through a hole in the O-zone layer. Others claim it was the result of a nuclear waste accident covered up by the government. Still others said it could only have been caused by out of control genetic research. Then there were those who claimed that some cosmic virus was brought to earth by a probe that collected dust particles from the tail of a comet.
Although considered a smoke screen by many, the government claimed that it was another over reaction to a selection from Oprah's Book Club. An unnamed official said her own battles of the bulge prompted her to promote "Eisoptrophobes And Me," by Yerfniw Harpo. Cryptologists had determined that she in fact was the author. Said one code breaker, "Eisoptrophobia is the fear of seeing oneself in a mirror. Since she allows no mirrors on her set, it was easy to deduct the work was hers."
It was a nerdy necrophiliac named Biff Butts who discovered the secret of the recent Lazarus Effect. All over the town of Gettysburgh there were reports of Civil War soldiers fighting in the streets, raping and pillaging, and of more concern to the citizenry, trampling the flowers on the graves.
....His college friends always thought he had seen that Bruce Willis movie too many times, because he was always saying, "I see dead people." Little did they know, Biff was actually dating a woman who had died before he was even born. He would meet her at her gravestone every Saturday. So enamored was he with this woman, that he would often spend the night with her.
....Things changed when his Mary and other stiffs started leaving the cemetery after midnight. It seems that they discovered the Wendys and Starbucks franchises downtown. While the two welcomed the influx of business, the managers were not happy with the decrease in profits. Said one manager, "At first I thought they were undercover policemen because they never paid for their coffee and donuts." Next door at the burger joint one waitress said, "They don't pay or clean up after themselves." Another waitress added, "One of them even flashed me, but it fell off. That's the only tip I got from any of them."
....One night Mary broke off their affair when she said to him, "Making love to you is like being assaulted with a dead weapon." She then introduced him to a Union soldier, Lance Corporal Lance Lance. As they walked away Mary said over her shoulder, "His name and rank are well chosen, if you know what I mean." Only later would Mary learn that it was Lance who had left the tip at Wendys.
....Spurned, Biff turned to his next love - his computer. His exhaustive research led him to the discovery of what had brought about El Dia de los Muertos - The Day of the Dead.
....At first he thought it was the result of massive amounts of Radon gas. It was only when he walked by a local Tex-Mex restaurant that the answer came to him. Cheech Chong's daughter had been in town. She had developed a taste for the place's bean, chili and burrito selections. Apparently she had been having one of everything whenever she stopped there to eat.
....By trial and error and working day and night, Biff came across another startling discovery. To test his theory, he went to the cemetery and placed notes from post-it pads on all of the graves. On those notes he invited all of the walking dead over to his place for a huge supper party.
....At every table he placed plates of open-faced peanut butter sandwiches. The guests gorged themselves on the food. Then he announced that there was a door prize for those who could gargle the peanut butter in the bowls next to their plates. An amazing thing then happened. The dead found their mouths stuck, unable to move. The peanut butter not only clung to their palates but lodged in their throats. Unable to breathe the RaeDawn gas, their bodies began to rapidly decay and crumble to dust.
....His theory was correct that dead people would suffer from the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roofs of their mouths, a condition known as Arachibutyrophobia. Many of the dead had not shown up for the supper and therefore had not partaken of the deadly peanut butter. Biff had anticipated this might happen, and had prepared a back-up contingency for the remaining corpse corps. Earlier he had hooked up a series of loud speakers in the neighborhoods closest to the cemetery. He had burned a CD of music which he piped throughout the city. The combination of the greatest hits of Michael Bolton, James Taylor, Cyndi Lauper, Joan Baez, and the Village People caused the dead to literally disintegrate into powdery dust. For good measure he also played "Sandy" by John Travolta.
The Chong woman left for the West coast soon after and there were no further occurrences of the dead rising in Gettysburgh. Biff forwarded transcripts of his research to Los Angeles in case she ever decided to go on a Tex-Mex binge again. Biff Butts the nerd became a national hero.
The moral of the story: The next time you pick on and make fun of nerds, just remember he might be a hero one day. He might even become President ... of the Chess Club ... the Astronomy Club ... or he might, just might take up ... Blogging.
Curmudgeon responsible for this post: Hale McKay at 12:05 AM