Wednesday, February 15, 2006
The doorbell rings at the home of Senator Ted Kennedy (D) of Massachusetts. Having dismissed the domestic help for the evening, Shamu has no recourse but to get up off his fat ass and answer the door himself. He sets the platter of Buffalo wings on the end table and shuts off the "Girls Gone Wild" tape. Stubbing his toe on an empty Johnny Walker Red bottle, the person waiting at the door hears a Longshoreman diatribe that would embarass a Hells Angel.
....He swings the door open to see none other than the President, George W. Bush (R) of Texas. Smirking like Pee Wee Herman at a John Holmes retrospective, he strolls right in, through the foyer, and into the parlor.
Teddy: Er ... Ah ... Won't you come in, Mr. President?
Dubya: Thank you. I don't mind if I do. Don't mind my Secret Servicemen walking about. Security, you know.
Teddy: Of course. Can I get you a drink?
Dubya: (Looking around the room at the scattered empties lying on the floor.) Are you sure you have any left?
Teddy: I 've got plenty. Let's see ... You ... Er ... drink Shirley Temples, stirred not shaken, right?
Dubya: No, thanks. It might be okay for a Senator to look slovenly, but it doesn't work for the Big Kahuna.
Teddy: So what brings you to Hyannis?
Dubya: (Looks over his shoulder at his rear end.) High anus? Hmm ... Laura told me these pants fit perfectly.
Teddy: I mean to what do I owe this unexpected visit? What can I do you for? Er ... Do for you? (A Secret Serviceman emerges from Kennedy's den carrying a computer.) Hey! What are doing with my computah?
Teddy: Er ... Heh, heh. Aw c'mon, George. So I look at a little porn every now and then. That's no crime.
Dubya: For gosh sakes, Teddy. I don't care if you gotta watch "Debbie Does Dallas" so you can see little willie past that paunch of yours. I'm talking National security here!
Teddy: Bambi is a threat to National security?
Dubya: Bambi? What does a deer have to with this? Hunting is Cheney's department.
Teddy: No! Bambi is the name of the actress who plays Debbie, you moron!
Dubya: Tsktsk! Sticks and stones, Teddy. Sticks and stones...
Teddy: What in the name of Hahvad do you expect to find on my computah anyway?
Dubya: Well, there is the serious matter of your browser searches to Middle Eastern sites.
Teddy: Middle East? No suh, not me! That's a mistake.
Dubya: I'm afraid not, Teddy. We printed it out. We have it in black and white.
Teddy: Damn it, you Redneck asshole! I tell I have nevah gone on any damned A-rab sites!
Teddy: Nevah. N-E-V-AH! Nevah, just like it sounds. Aren't you still taking that Hooked On Phonics correspondence couse?
Dubya: We found several searches for Hookahs. Even I know a Hookah is a Middle Eastern water pipe. They smoke dope in those things.
Teddy: Speaking of dope ... George, you idiot bastard!
Dubya: Hey. You don't have to get personal and knock my ancestry.
Teddy: Bushmeister, I was searching for hookahs.
Dubya: Aha! You admit it!
Teddy: Hookahs! H-O-O-K-AH-S ... Hookas! You know ... Ladies of the night ... Call girls ...
Dubya: Oh ... you mean ... Prosecutes?
Teddy: (Sigh) Close enough, George.
Dubya: Okay. Sorry about the misunderstanding, Ted. Maybe you should try that telephone thing. What did you call it? Oh yeah, Hooked on Telephones.
Teddy: (Sigh) Maybe I will, George. Maybe I will. It sure works for you.
Dubya: I'll tell the Secret Service to call off the operation and send them home.
Teddy: Can I give you a lift back to the White House?
Dubya: Uh, no thanks. I think I'd feel safer if I went hunting with Cheney. You know ... that little Chapstick incident?
Teddy: That reminds me, George. Did you hear what Clinton had to say about Cheney's accident. It was an accident, right?
Dubya: Yes, it was an accident. Uh no, what did that dumb hick have to say?
Teddy: He thinks Cheney is getting off easy. He said when he shot someone in the face, he was impeached for it.
Dubya: Figures! He still claims he didn't know it was loaded.
Teddy: (Places his arm around the President's shoulder.) Come in my den and I'll put on that "Debby Does Dallas" tape for you. You won't believe that shower room scene ....
Curmudgeon responsible for this post: Hale McKay at 11:05 PM