You Gotta Have Balls!

Does she or doesn't she? Only her athletic director knows for sure.

Not anymore. This X-ray proves it. They are real - real honest to goodness basketballs ! It seems she had struck a deal with Spalding to supplement her Playboy royalties.

It gives a new found meaning to March Madness. Alas, Pam will be inelligible to participate in the Road to the Final four. You see, they aren't regulation. While they bounce well enough and are firm enough, the NCAA has rejected them from competition. In the tournament they have declared Wilson the official basketball.

Her balls have, however, been declared acceptable for practice. They are easily palmed. Two can be handled at the same time.

Similar events happened with the balls in the previous World Cup competition in soccer. The players kept mistaking the balls several of the female fans were sporting for the official game balls.

Said one official overseeing the NCAA, "Believe it or not, but we want this problem to get out of hand." It has been suggested that female cheerleaders and fans seated at floor level will have to be inspected. There have been many volunteers for these jobs.

There was an incident in a college football last season. A certain cheerleader was grabbed by a defensive back. Thinking he had made an interception, he took off for the end zone. The officials, realizing his innocent mistake, gave chase. They feared he would slam the "football" to the ground when he crossed the goal line. The player, trying to tighten his grip on the ball, inexplicably fumbled. They estimated that there were more than twenty-two men who dove into the pile of bodies groping for the loose ball. After the players were removed from the pile, the cheerleader lay there stunned and topless. Seeing two footballs, the officials called a forfeit against both teams and declared the cheerleaders the winner. The very buxom cheerleader was hoisted aloft by her companions in a scene that was cut by even ESPN.

Bigwigs in charge of both golf and baseball have decided to take measures to insure that these errors in judgement do not interfere with their respective sports. While baseball and golf use balls considerably smaller than the other sports, they will take precautions. Said the commissioner of Major League Baseball, "We aren't worried about the balls. It's the bats that concern us. Likewise the officials of the PGA Tour agreed, stating they were going to be aware of the golfers' clubs.

Hockey, however, has declined to explore the matter. The officials of womens hockey associations have stated that since they don't use balls, there should be no problem with pucks. (They apparently have never seen some of these runway models.) The NHL, on the other hand, welcomes the possible confusion regarding sticks. Their reasoning is that not much happens on the ice anyway. This was painfully displayed by the U.S. Hockey team's showing in the recent Olympics. It seems that anything that will draw a few more bucks at the gate is acceptable to Hockey.

No.549