To an audience screaming
Bush in Hell
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
....The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. Nixon kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
...."No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
....The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All Blair did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
...."No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
....The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
....Bush looked at this scene in disbelief for awhile and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
....The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
Air Force One Lost In Time Vortex
The Presidential jet, Air Force One disappeared from radar this afternoon. It suddenly reappeared 5 minutes before it vanished. According to the President, the plane was whisked into a time vortex and they were transported into the future where he was able to attend his 100th High School Reunion. As proof, he presented this picture of himself and two of his classmates.
Bush's 5 Minute Chinese Lesson
Because of the recent visit of the Chinese President, Dubya had to take a crash course in the Chinese language. The following list is the cheat sheet he was using during his meetings with the Asian leader.
English (in blue) - Chinese (in red) - (Read aloud for red to make sense)
That's not right. - Sum ting wong.
Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu yu hai Ding?
See me ASAP. - Kum hia Nao
Stupid man. - Dum fuk.
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu so tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. - Ai bang mai fa kin ni.
I think you need a face lift. - Chin tu fat.
It's very dark in here. - Wai so dim?
I thought you were on a diet. - Wai yu mun ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No pah king.
Staying out of sight. - Lei ying lo.
Your body odor is offensive. - Yu stin ki pu.
Great! - Fa king su pah!
What's up? - Wa sa pen ing?
For you losers who didn't get it. - Yu fa kin dum.