Wednesday, May 10, 2006

They Should Bottle That Stuff

Step up, ladies. Don't be shy. Come and have a seat on the Pointmeister's lap. Got a friend? I have two knees.

I am but one of millions of people who have to deal with bouts of allergy attacks. I have allergic reactions to a variety of pollens and pollutants. Imagine my glee to learn that there is some hope for relief. Even better, it will require no expensive prescriptions or over-the-counter medicines.

Brush your teeth, floss and gargle, les femmes! Use some breath mints, if you must. An application of a nice flavored lipstick will suffice too. Cure me girls. Give me all you got!

Following some extensive research, Dr. Hajima Kimata of Japan released this statement. "The results indicate for the first time that kissing alleviates allergic responses to irritating stimuli such as pollen." He went to say that the tests have shown that just 30 minutes of kissing can diminish the body's allergic reactions.

No shoving, ladies! I have all day! The treatment may be lengthy, but it is effective. Just think how rewarding it will be for you to help out one of the down-trodden who is suffering from sneezing, a running nose and itchy eyes.

Dress is discretionary, so wear what you wish - as little or as much you deem appropriate. Remember, the treatment takes 30 minutes, so you should dress comfortably.

Dr. Kimata's tests have shown that kissing relaxes the body and reduces the production of histamine, a chemical cell given out in response to allergens. Blood smples from couples participating in the study were taken before and after the sessions of kissing to test the levels of Immunoglobulin E (IgE), which prompts the release of histamine into the blood triggering symptoms of hay fever and asthma. The drop in the levels of IgE was significant after kissing. The levels before were constant.

His results have also shown that kissing relieved those who suffer from dermititis, a skin condition brought on by allergies. Rashes were observed to have shown signs of clearing during and after the act of kissing.

Pucker up, Buttercups! You don't know me that well? You're leery about kissing a stranger, eh? Not to worry. Trust me. I promise that by the time a half hour has passed, we'll know each other!

Yes, I know that 30 minutes of kissing could lead to more than healing, but let's cross those britches bridges when we get to them. Besides, who'll care about bedside manners then?

Think of it, if you also have allergies, how good would that be? We can treat each other at the same time.
There are no mentions of side affects, so we'll have worry about those after the treatments. Just what side affects could a mere 30 minutes of kissing have anyway?

("One night a week is aplenty enough, It's a good thing for me they don't bottle that stuff ... It was a double shot of my baby's love ..." - Swingin' Medallions)

It's what the doctor ordered. Who am I to question the advice of a doctor? Who knows, maybe we'll have to increase the dosage. Just don't call me in the morning! You can nudge me. (Wink. Wink.)

Who's first? Can't you see I'm suffering? Come on, give me some lip. I need lip service. Anyone? Monty? It's just a kiss.



TMelendez said...

Thats too funny.... I DO SUFFER from allergies.. but I have been using the solo method for a long time now to alleviate them.. can you believe it.. let me see... dermititis or HS1???

Peter said...

I'm glad you specified female applicants Mike,
I thought you might be like Ponsnby, he was having an affair with an elephant, "Good lord" said Major Smythe-Jones, "male or female"
"Oh female of course, nothing abnormal about Ponsnby."

aka_monty said...

*puckers up* Does strawberry-flavored lip gloss work for you?


You can send the rest of the ladies home~I can take it from here. ;)

Megan said...

Shove over Monty, he has two knees, remember? Plus, I have allergies, too - I need the cure, baby!

If 30 minutes is good, wouldn't an hour be doubly good?

Come over here, cowboy!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

NYCbeauty said...

Kissing rocks. I went out w/a guy a couple of years back who kissed me for like five seconds (or, gave me CPR, if you want to know what it felt like) and then proceeded to try and unzip my pants. 'scuse me????? Thanks for visiting my blog. I like your writing. Very witty.

aka_monty said...

Megan, you know I love you from the bottom of my heart...but I was here first.

Nyah nyah nyah. :)

Minka said...

How inventive of him. He probably suffers from similar allergies and saw this as his only way to get some action. I give him a smooch for trying;)
And smooch smooch to you!

Liz said...

wonder how explained all his 'research' to his wife ;)

Marcus said...

Hi Mike
You're on my Dad's (Peter's) blogroll at Holtieshouse. Blogging has been a revelation for Dad, it's opened up a whole new world for him. It's fantastic to see the cyber community that he has become a part of.
I'm wondering if you'd like to do me a favour. May 28 is Dad's 70th birthday, a special milestone. I'm going to ask all his Blogging buddies to send him a special birthday message on the big day. I'm trying to keep it a secret so don't let the cat out of the bag ok?
I know he'll appreciate it.


Marcus (HoltPress)

(You may want to delete this comment after you've read it)

Anonymous said...

Treating allergic rhinitis is a tricky task. The mechanism of allergic rhinitis is immunological. There are no definite treatment available. However you may treat the symptoms of your hay fever. You may use topical applications such as decongestants and antihistamines. Another way is to make you less sensitive to pollens or other allergens is to give a series of special shots. The injections should be done by a doctor that treats allergies. Russian doctors had some additional medications. For example, one of my relatives was very happy about using a special mixture of thymic hormones. The mixture was produced by a Russian pharmaceutical company. That type of treatment targets namely the mechanism of the disease. However the treatment is not FDA approved.

Considering the lack of targeted treatments, the best way for you would be to prevent the hay fever in the first place.

To avoid exposure to pollens and dust:

*It is good practice to stay inside whenever you can during the pollen rich seasons.

*Avoid contact with cut grass and leaves.

*Do not dry your clothes outside. They may collect the pollens.

*Close doors and windows in the time of increased pollen production.