I Think I Can

I am having one of those days! Not only do I think I can, I know I can. The only thing is ... I don't think I want to!

I'm sort of untracked, if you know what I mean. My engine seems to have lost its caboose. Meanwhile, the engineer is yelling, "All aboard!"

Instead of 'chug-chugging' along, I'd much rather be chug-a-lugging! I think I'll have a 'Boilermaker.' I'm sitting downtown at a railway station and I'm several tokes over the line.

(Sigh!) Alas, there is no whacky-tobacky. There is no alcoholic beverage. I'm not at a railway station either. It's just me and Joe, sitting in the corner at the kitchen table. I could've been a contender. I could've been the 'Last Train To Clarksville' or 'The Midnight Train To Georgia.' It'd be nice to have been 'The Train of Freedom,' or maybe 'The Love Train.'

What do I get to be? A train wreck, that's what! (Even that little winged insect buzzing around my coffee, is getting desperate.)

My friend, Davey Diesel got a better gig. He gets to be the Cannonball and make the run between Petticoat Junction and Hooterville. What I wouldn't give to pull up under that water tank and watch those three gals skinny-dipping up there.

I tell ya, I never get any breaks. Even that little girly-man, Thomas the Tank Engine, was given a TV show! So what if it's a kids' program? At least it's a steady job.

What do I get? I get over-loaded and then I am expected to haul all of that shit up a steep-ass mountain side! Then they have the audacity to expect to me to recite "I Think I can, I think I can" synchronized to my engine! All the while, I'm getting a f**kin' hernia!

Oh, it's true that they did write a little story about me once. They gave it the sappy title, "The Little Engine That Could." That was years ago, and I ain't so little anymore! Because of that stupid story, they have been expecting me to repeat that performance every friggin' day!

My back is killing me! All that bituminous and anthracite I've been breathing in all these years, it's a wonder I got any lungs left at all! Still they keep shoveling it up my ass and into my boiler!

Whoo-whoo!!! Hot damn! I got me a great idea! Before they get a chance to pile all that shit in my cars, I'm gonna let off off the brakes, push myself into full throttle and take off the other way down those tracks. I won't stop until the next switchback. I'll stop long enough to get on another line. Then I'm going to haul ass to Petticoat Junction. If Davey happens to be around, I'll run his ass off the tracks!

I'll go by so fast that water tower will fall over. Not only will it spill water, but it'll spill out Betty Jo, Billie Jo and Bobbie Jo before they get a chance to grab their petticoats. They'll be running plumb nekkid down those tracks with me right on their heels!

Whoo-whoo!!! Appetizers! I just love them Jo-Jos! Whoo-Whoo!!!

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