Thursday, July 06, 2006

Auntie Nym

Redneck Advice Columnist

Auntie Nym started giving out advice many years ago. When one of her friends, Freda Lay, told her she should write an advice column, she thought it was a good idea.
....So she approached Ben Dover, the editor of the Hog Holler Clarion about the column. He figured that people in the surrounding hills would be wanting to know about cooking, pickling pigs feet, and such..
....Before long her column was the most popular feature in the paper. Within a month the Carion's circulation tripled to fifty-two. Ben didn't think there was that many peopleA month later he had to hire Bubba Johnson, Jr. to help out at the paper.

Her first letter was from a confused teenager in Crows Creek. Wrote the girl:

Dear Auntie Nym,
....I don't want to use my real name, but I'm that girl what was knocked up by Mayor Baker's eldest son Bo. His last name is Baker too.
....Anyway I need to ask for your advice about my Paw, Pete Moss. You see, lately he ain't been doing much work around the cabin 'ceptin drinkin' hooch, chawing tobacky, and biting his toe nails. Sometimes he gets active and says he's going out back to choke the chicken. I don't think this is healthy for the hens. What do think I should do?
-Chigger bit in Crows Crick

....Auntie Nym was in her element giving out advice. She quickly penned this response:

Dear Chigger bit,
....You have nothing to worry 'bout. The hens will be just fine, and it's good exercise for the rooster. It could be worse, your Paw could be beatin' the Bishop. Now that would be agin' the law.
-Auntie Nym

A week later she received a letter from the girl's father.

Dear Auntie Nym,
....I'm right grateful that you keep peoples names private what write to you. I wish to thank you for squaring things with my daughter about my practice of chokin' the chicken. Lawd knows I tweren't a harmin' no real chickens.
....Your advice to her got me ta thinkin' that maybes I need to meet a woman. I been seeing you 'round and I've been admirin' those hooters of yours. They say yer widdered like me.
....I was a chokin' the chicken whilst I was a writin' this here letter to you. I'll bet you cain't guess what I done used to seal this envelope with?
-Chigger bit's Paw

Auntie Myn had an answer right away for this letter.

Dear Chigger bit's Paw.
....Just this minute I jes' became the first person in history to open a letter by lickin' it!
-Auntie Nym

It was about a month later that Ben Dover had to inform Auntie Nym that he could no longer publish her column in the Hog Holler Clarion. He told her that several important people complained about the content of the letters in her column.
....It wasn't long before the Clarion's circulation had returned to the original twenty-one subscribers.



OldHorsetailSnake said...

Dear Auntie Nym: What is "choking the chicken"? Is that anything like flogging the bratwurst, which everbody knos is good for closin the envelope.

Peter said...

Hey Mike, am I right in sayin' that the Hog Holler Clarion's editor Ben Dover replaced Auntie Nyms colomn with one by Phil McCracken?

Marti said...

Dang! Here you go - exposin' all o' my hillbilly relatives! LOL

That was hilarious - thanks for sharing!