Sunday, October 01, 2006
Hello, my name is Gene the Genie. I come from a long line of Genies from the ancient order of Djinn. Our race has long been cursed to live our lives in magic lamps and bottles. Care to see a picture of my wives? Lovely things aren't they?
I have decided to write my memoirs. Through the so many centuries of my life, I am finding that I tend to forget some of the wishes I have granted and the names of those whom I have granted wishes. Before I find a publisher so that I can commit my memories to print, I am going to tell you about some of my favorite tales.
First of all, I think you'll be surprised to learn that a former President of the United States, namely one Bill Clinton was once a client of mine. It was right about the time that he was facing impeachment when he found my lamp in the bushes near the White House.
....When he rubbed the lamp, I was released and was compelled to grant him three wishes. His first wish was to make it so that the scandal never happened in the first place. I snapped my fingers and it was so. Next he wanted for me to fix it so that Hillary couldn't say so much which usually made things worse. I snapped my fingers and her mouth was sealed shut.
....Finally after much thought, he asked for his love handles to disappear. I snapped my fingers and Monica's ears fell off.
I guess an instruction manual and perhaps a warning label should come with us Genies. You see, when making a wish a client needs to be concise. We grant wishes as they are literally asked of us. Where do you think the phrase "Be careful what you wish for ..." came from?
A good example of this happened with that young man on a California beach. He found the lamp partially buried in a sand dune. When he rubbed it I appeared in my Sunday best turban and was sporting a polished scimitar at my side. Elated to be freed, I told him he could have three wishes.
...."I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," he said as his first wish. I said it was done and asked him for his second wish.
...."I want the most expensive Porsche made, fire engine red with on-board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile." I snapped my fingers and the car appeared.
....When I asked for his third and final wish he said, "Genie, I can't think of anything right now. May i save the wish for later?"
...."This is most unusual," I said to him. "But you are in control, and I cannot escape from this lamp until you make your third wish. Call me when you are ready."
....The man decided to test drive his new Porsche while he was thinking about his last wish. He placed the lamp in the passenger seat and took off down the highway. Soon he was going 60 mph, then seventy, and eighty. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with a familiar commercial on the radio.
...."Oh, I wish I was an Oscar Mayer wiener..."
You just gotta love the Irish! This next story is one of my favorites. I think you'll like this man and appreciate his sense of value.
The Irishman was staggering home after several hours of drinking at the local tavern. He tripped over something and fell flat on his face. He groped around and discovered he had tripped on my lamp. His groping was enough to release me from the lamp. When I gave him my little obligatory speech, he remained sitting on the ground to think.
...."Can ye make it nigh seven o'clock in the evening? If I get home early me wife won't be yelling." I snapped my fingers and it was ten minutes before seven.
....Then without hesitation he said, "I'll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs empty." Once the bottle appeared before him, he took several long gulps from it, and then squinted into the bottle. It was as full as it had been when it first appeared.
...."Wonderful!" he exclaimed. "I'll have another one for the road."
Whenever my lamp somehow ends up on a golf course, I can always count on some very interesting requests. The next one is no exception.
One golfer found me in a sand trap on the back nine. I thanked him for setting me free. I was a little under the weather that day and felt weak, so I granted him just one wish.
...."Well," the man said, "I've always been rather ... er ... small, if you know what I mean. Could you make it larger?"
...."I understand," I said to him. "Consider it done!"
....Like a true golfer, he wasn't about to allow the encounter with a Genie interfere with his round. It wasn't long before he began to notice a considerable change in his "size." Minutes later it was down to his knee. By the time he had made his final putt on the eighteenth hole, it had now crept into his sock.
....He hurried back to the spot where he had found me and my lamp. "Problem?" I asked him.
...."Yes," he replied. "Do you think I could trouble you for another wish?"
...."And what might that be," I inquired.
...."Could you make my legs a tad longer?"
My last tale occurred during the Cold War when my lamp turned up in a Russian village.
A Russian man picked up the lamp and rubbed it. When I was freed I wasn't in a very charitable mood, so i granted him one wish. He though for a bit and said, "Well, I really like Vodka. It would be really nice if I could drink Vodka anytime I wanted it. So I wish that I could piss Vodka!"
....It was a peculiar wish, but I granted it just the same. When he got home he immediately took a glass from the cupboard and pissed into it. He looked into the glass and it was clear and looked like Vodka. He then sniffed the glass and it smelled like Vodka. So he took a tentative sip from the glass and sure enough, it is the best Vodka he has ever tasted!
....He yelled out to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly." When she joined him in the kitchen he tells her the story about the Genie and his wish. Grabbing another glass, he pisses into it and hands it to her. Reluctantly she takes a sip and is rewarded with the best Vodka she had ever had. The couple drank and partied all night.
....This continued every night for the rest of the week. As fast as he could piss into the glasses, they were downing the Vodka. For four straight days they partied until sunrise.
....Then on Friday when he'd arrived home from work he tells his wife to grab only one glass from the cupboard. She complies but asks, "Boris, why do we need only one glass tonight?"
....Boris raises his glass to her and says, "Because tonight, Natasha my love, you get to drink from the bottle."
There you have it. Those few anecdotes will serve as an introduction to my upcoming book. I know you are wishing for a copy, aren't you? Ah-ah! Remember ... be careful what you wish for ...