Wednesday, November 01, 2006

When You Can't Win, Do You Lose?


What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth).

Therefore, as a public service, each question is reviewed below along with possible responses.

----> Question 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you are
e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."

----> Question 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is necessary: "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, sh*t loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?

----> Question 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

----> Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"

Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

----> Question 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat".)

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.

WOMAN: ...silence...
MAN: Shit!

(I have seen this and similar versions before, but for the record this was "borrowed" from AdeLaider .)



wazza said...

The best part of this for me is that I'm no longer married altho' I guess one doesn't have to be married or in a relationship to be "hit" with some of these scary questions. You just have to be aware of which corrrect answer to give.

Merle said...

Hello Mike ~ Great post of questions and answers and some good advice there. Your comments were OK and I do get carried away sometimes.don't we all? So thanks for your comments and your visit. I don't know why women always ask those questions, but we do.Take care, Merle.

Steve G said...

You hit the nail on the head with all of them. (grin)

Peter said...

Loaded questions Mike, even some of the proper answers can get you into trouble unless delivered just right!!!!!

Chelle said...

LOL that was too funny@!!

Sandi said...

Ok... even though I am a woman.. I had to laugh out loud at that! :)

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

Al Bundy is the be-all hero for men everywhere!

I loved this post brotherman. These questions have been plaguing me most of my marriage! Haha!

MIA said...

HALE! thanks for stopping by and finding me. You post is hilarious. Why are us women such silly creatures? Not sure but I love being one. By the way, do these jeans make my ass look fat?

Christina said...

I have seen a version of that last bit before, but it was still hilarious. I loved the Q&A!

Fred said...

I'm with Steve, you got them all just right. I may have to use one or two of these in the near future, so I'll print out this post and memorize it.

Izzy said...

This is a pamphlet that all ministers, preists, men or women of the cloth, justices of peace and any other person authorized to marry a couple should hand to the groom before marriage.

It gives him a step ahead to thing about a good anser when the bride asks him if she looks fat in her wedding night lingerie

Serena Joy said...

LMAO! I think I'll go torment the huzzz-bun with some of those questions. I haven't had any fun today.:)