Thursday, November 02, 2006

Neanderthal Nerds

Dateline: 25,000 B.C.* (Give or take a millenia.)
--*Before Cantaloupes

Brothers Ziggh and Zaghh, whose ascendants in the 1960s A.D.* would make a fortune manufacturing weed rolling papers, were the original entrepreneurs, eons before the word was even coined.
--* After Dominos Pizza

They invented many of the elements of what we now call the free enterprise system. Shifty business men for their time, they took the ideas of others and made them their own. Another ascendant, Ron Popeil, has turned the practice into an art form.
....One shining moment in history took place when the brothers observed a clansman chiseling a stone into the world's first wheel. Ever the opportunists, Ziggh and Zaggh knew that it would be thousands of years before the wheel would become practical, and as such bought the wheel from their dim-witted neighbor for three clams. Unbeknownst to them, they had invented fleecing, a practice exemplified eons later by the American's purchase of Manhattan for $24 worth of beads and baubles.
....The brothers had been looking for something to improve the quality of their meals. "Man cannot live on Mammoth alone," Zighh once said. This was no reflection on the culinary skills of their wives, Biggh and Baghh. The distaff members of their modern town cave had been nagging the pair to invent something to go with their boring regimen of mammoth steaks, mammoth burgers and of course, the mammoth loaf.
....Remembering the time their wives had wanted a cat, (see historic photo above) Ziggh and Zaghh had wisely decided that they weren't cut out to be hunters. As it turned out, being entrepreneurs was not only safer, but it was profitable too.
....So it happened one day,when Ziggh's wife threw a model of the stone wheel against the side of his head, that he discovered the concept of acoustics. He would later invent the first percussion instrument by pounding on Zaggh's head with his club. While the effects of the wheel striking him was still resonating in his head, an epiphany came to him.
....He went to side of the cave and pulled a green cylindrical growth from one of the many large weeds that grew there. He peeled back the husks from what one day would be called an ear of corn, and began scraping off the kernels. The stripped corn cob was one of the discoveries for which he was most proud. Even early cavemen needed an effective way to wipe their rear ends after taking a crap.
....Ziggh did his best thinking in the small cave out back. This trip, he squeezed out an idea too. Using the small wheel be began to ground up the kernels that had been discarded on the floor at his feet. History would give him neither credit for the first mill wheel, nor would it recognize him as the first to use the daily constitutional for inspiration.
....History would never mention what liquid was first used to mix with the crushed corn, but eventually water was applied to the process of making the earliest known corn meal. Long before anyone ever thought of getting up at 4AM to bake, Ziggh had shaped the dough into a duplicate of the small wheel. The donut had been born.
....Although it would be another of his ascendants who would get the idea for franchises, Ziggh soon opened the first walk-through donut shop. At two clams apiece, Ziggh became the first rich man.
....Now Zaggh, on the other hand, was a visionary with diverging thoughts. He took one look at Ziggh's donut and immediately saw his chance to get far richer than his baker sibling. He had been long planning the world's first magazine, but he could never find the right theme for his would-be publication. He hated his wife Baghh's idea of "Better Caves and Gardens."
....The donut, however, changed everything. It wasn't long before "Caveboy" hit the one news stand in existence. He knew that he needed more than provocative nude pictures of cave women to sell his magazine. He introduced a product that would be included with each purchase of a copy of Caveboy. The Neanderthals everywhere flocked to his news stand for the magazine and the free item.
....Soon he had more wealth than even Zighh could have imagined. At two clams each, he would purchase Ziggh's donuts, then parlay them and his magazine at a retail price of ten clams.
....His product? Zaggh successfully produced the first "marital device." I hope I don't have to spell it out for you, dear readers. If Zaggh could visualize it, I'm sure you can too!

P.S. Their wives would introduce the next marital device, or sex toy as they referred to it. They had the insight to find another use for the corn cob.



Peter said...

The American's purchase of Manhattan for $24 worth of beads and baubles.

Yeah Mike, but it was completly undeveloped back then.

Cheri said... are too much. The sex toy is quite the visual. Let's just say, I will never be able to shop or eat corn on the cob without laughing hysterical. Thanks for the laugh!

Steve G said...

You did it again. Got a lasting laugh out of the story.

kenju said...

A corn cob? Holy cow. If you were a woman you wouldn't make that joke! ouch.

Serena Joy said...

That's just entirely too funny. God, I needed it, too. :)

HoosierGirl5 said...

Hey, thanks for stopping by! And thanks for putting me on your list, too!
I LOVE your blog!

Fred said...

Since I teach about ancient history, I was immediately sucked in by the title.

I don't teach about sex toys, though. I do get close by teaching about how Europeans reacted to masturbation in the 1700s, but that's as close as I get.

Last time I was on the subject, an assistant principal walked in to observe me. It was a hoot.

Karen said...

them cavemen rock! and how inventive of them...