Sunday, December 03, 2006

No Ifs, Ands or Butts

Getting thirsty as you put up those Christ-mas decorat-ions?
Why not put your nose and lips up to Santa's Butt? Untangling those strings of lights giving you a dry mouth? Just run your tongue on the rim of Santa's Butt!

But [sic] if you want a piece of Santa's Butt, don't go to Maine. It seems that Maine's Bureau of Liquor Enforcement has kissed Santa's Butt ... goodbye! Meanwhile, the federal entity overseeing such matters, the ATF has given approval to the product, its name and label.

The distributor, Sheldon Brothers of Belchertown, Massachusetts, will not stand by and let the state of Maine kick Santa's Butt while he's down. They have filed suit and are prepared to butt heads with the State agency.

The State of Maine argues that the label is offensive. The label depicts Santa Claus seated on a barrel of beer with his backside prominently displayed while holding a flask of beer in one hand and a list in the other. The agency also states that the product could be found to be appealing to children.

I have decided to butt in on this issue in attempt to get to the bottom of the controversy before this beer becomes the butt of too many jokes. Can you imagine the ass-inine cliches that this topic will generate?

To begin, Santa's Butt is a winter porter bottled by the Ridgeway Brewery located in England, and it is 6.0% alcohol by volume. In England the larger barrels of beer are referred to as "butts," or beer butts, and are sold as such. Last year there was a similar case involving another product of the brewery, Seriously Bad Elf Ale. That product was also distributed by the Sheldon Brothers. They sucessfully appealed the case last year and predict they will win this time also.

By Christmas, the consumers of Maine will probably be able to get a piece of Santa's Butt.

Might I suggest to the Sheldon Brothers that when it's all over, they send a case of the Winter Porter to those who serve on Maine's Bureau of Liquor Enforcement?

I am submitting the picture at the right to the distributor to be used as the label on the bottles sent to the agency. It not only depicts Santa's butt also, but it lets them know that he is fresh out of coal! In a subtle way, it carries the message: Kiss Santa's Butt !

By the way, when you taste this beer you'll know why Santa is "such a right jolly old elf."

Amber and Gold
(Sung to the tune of "Silver and Gold")

Amber and gold, amber and gold,
How I'm wishin' for amber and gold.
How do you measure how it tasted?
Just by the pleasure when you get wasted.

Amber and gold, amber and gold,
Mean so much more when I think
Of amber and gold libations
In ev'ry bottle I drink.



Peter said...

Santa's Butt sounds like a jolly good drop Mike, they'll be mainlining it next.

Jack K. said...

Damn, you're good.

You do have a way with the pun, er, words.

No ifs, ands or butts (sic) about it.

Thanks for adding to the cheer of the season.


lime said...

people really ned to get over themsleves. i think it's a riot and i don't even like beer.

Miss Cellania said...

If it weren't for the beer, Santa wouldn't have such a butt!

Redneck Nerdboy! said...

I'd pick up the bottle, have a good laugh, but I don't think I'd partake of its goodness!

However, I do like that second pic you got posted, of Santa takin' a squat! Haha!

Serena Joy said...

Once again, I am LMBO.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Terrific, Hale. And good job of research, too. Naturally, I am stealing your Santa picture....

Liz said...

For goodness sake! Don't the Maine authorities have anything better to do?!