No Ifs, Ands or Butts

Getting thirsty as you put up those Christ-mas decorat-ions?
Why not put your nose and lips up to Santa's Butt? Untangling those strings of lights giving you a dry mouth? Just run your tongue on the rim of Santa's Butt!

But [sic] if you want a piece of Santa's Butt, don't go to Maine. It seems that Maine's Bureau of Liquor Enforcement has kissed Santa's Butt ... goodbye! Meanwhile, the federal entity overseeing such matters, the ATF has given approval to the product, its name and label.

The distributor, Sheldon Brothers of Belchertown, Massachusetts, will not stand by and let the state of Maine kick Santa's Butt while he's down. They have filed suit and are prepared to butt heads with the State agency.

The State of Maine argues that the label is offensive. The label depicts Santa Claus seated on a barrel of beer with his backside prominently displayed while holding a flask of beer in one hand and a list in the other. The agency also states that the product could be found to be appealing to children.

I have decided to butt in on this issue in attempt to get to the bottom of the controversy before this beer becomes the butt of too many jokes. Can you imagine the ass-inine cliches that this topic will generate?

To begin, Santa's Butt is a winter porter bottled by the Ridgeway Brewery located in England, and it is 6.0% alcohol by volume. In England the larger barrels of beer are referred to as "butts," or beer butts, and are sold as such. Last year there was a similar case involving another product of the brewery, Seriously Bad Elf Ale. That product was also distributed by the Sheldon Brothers. They sucessfully appealed the case last year and predict they will win this time also.

By Christmas, the consumers of Maine will probably be able to get a piece of Santa's Butt.

Might I suggest to the Sheldon Brothers that when it's all over, they send a case of the Winter Porter to those who serve on Maine's Bureau of Liquor Enforcement?

I am submitting the picture at the right to the distributor to be used as the label on the bottles sent to the agency. It not only depicts Santa's butt also, but it lets them know that he is fresh out of coal! In a subtle way, it carries the message: Kiss Santa's Butt !

By the way, when you taste this beer you'll know why Santa is "such a right jolly old elf."


Amber and Gold
(Sung to the tune of "Silver and Gold")


Amber and gold, amber and gold,
How I'm wishin' for amber and gold.
How do you measure how it tasted?
Just by the pleasure when you get wasted.

Amber and gold, amber and gold,
Mean so much more when I think
Of amber and gold libations
In ev'ry bottle I drink.

No.819

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

GAZETTE

Spanning the globe, for the news that reputable newspapers won't print. While the world sleeps, the Editor-in-Thief sits in comfort with a supply of hot coffee, scouring the Blogosphere for the news you won't find anywhere else, whether you want it or not.

ENTERTAINMENT

The unwarranted success of Brokeback Mountain has had a dramatic effect upon not only the way Hollywood views the Old West, but how the lives of the real cowboys have been impacted. Case in point, the cowboy vernacular:

It has been rumored that the same production crew has been looking at some classic films for their next project. One such picture is It's A Wonderful Life. Retitled "It's A Brokeback Life," imagine the outcry when fans of the original learn that Clarence is looking for more than his wings.
....In their version of The Sound Of Music, the hills will be alive with more than music! They have a war epic in the works also. Ever wonder what happened to all those soldiers while they were pinned down by enemy fire on The Longest Day? I wonder how film lovers will react when they hear the last word of Citizen Kane is ..."Rosebutt."

TECHNOLOGY

For the ladies, there are two new products due to hit the market soon for your pleasure.
Probably the most innovative cell phone ever produced, the new Nokia-brator will allow today's modern woman to take phone calls while taking care of other important matters at the same time. Of course, the phone will feature a silent vibrating ring tone.

....Just in time for Halloween, the new Cornbrator is sure to give new meaning to Trick-or-Treat! Forget about those candy-leeching brats ringing your door bell, you spent the candy money on batteries!

Technological advancements are also reaching out to the Redneck segment of the population. Why go hunting on two feet, when you can stalk your prey in comfort? The Redneck Segway (see picture below) can traverse all kinds of terrain and will not tip over, no matter how many Pabst Blue Ribbons you've had!
HISTORICAL DISCOVERIES

The Pointmeister Gazette was on the scene when new drawings and notes that once belonged to Leonardo Da Vinci were discovered in a basement in Venice, Italy. Famous for his art masterpieces and many technical drawings, this latest discovery of his works has the computer world turned upside down.
....There are sure to be charges of patent and copywright infringements as the ramifications of the discovery are weighed. The authenticity of the documents are sure to be called into question.
....Until proven otherwise, the world will have to accept the fact that Da Vinci invented Photo Shop.

THE ANIMAL WORLD

Scientists have recently noticed a decline in the oyster population off the Eastern seaboard. After several months of study and observation, scientists have dismissed the notion that local Rednecks had been raiding the oyster beds because of the alleged powers of the oyster as an aphrodisiac.
....However, they did make an alarming discovery during their investigations. It seems that the local turtles in the area have gained a taste for the once abundant oysters.

The scientists have not ruled out that the consumption of the oysters is in any way related to the recent increase in the number of turtles in the area.

FASHION

The clothes you wear are a reflection on you. Designers have long borrowed from the animal world when creating fashions. It appears that there is a new breed of designer making a statement. These new age designers are lending to the animal world!

COSTUMES

The costume is great, but if you have a body like this, the staff of The Pointmeister Gazette implores you ... please, please wear a mask! When dressing sexy for that Halloween party, the idea is to turn heads, not stomachs.
....To this publication, this girl is neither a trick nor a treat! They don't make enough bags!

Remember ... If you're looking for the news that you can't find anywhere else ... If you're looking for the news that no other paper will print ... If you the news that no one else is reading ... Be sure to read the
GAZETTE!


No.778