Friday, March 31, 2006

O-Blog-Di O-Blog-Da


I keep a little black book. It's always on my person. It's everywhere I go. I never leave home without it. I never know what I might pick up on a given day. The best ones are given stars.
....I might make an entry of ten or more daily. I could be on a parking lot, idling at a red light, or parked on the street, and pick up something interesting. Maybe I'm walking through the aisles of a supermarket, hardware store or drug store when I meet, see or hear an interesting subject.

Lest you think you are going to read about some juicy trysts or carnal adventures, allow me to quell those thoughts now. I am not writing down telephone numbers and addresses of the hot babes I have been picking up. No, I'm afraid not. My little black book is not that kind of black book. In fact calling it black is a misnomer. It just so happens that the notebook I am currently using is black. Last week I was using a red one. In a couple of weeks it might be a little green book.

My little book is simply a pocket sized spiral notebook. My entries are just notes, thoughts, or ideas that may present themselves to me. Some of those entries are destined to become a blog. Anything that happens, especially that which I feel is funny, is jotted down in a brief sentence or just a single word. Sometimes it is something I heard on the radio such as a song or a news flash. It might originate from the conversations of others.
....The post yesterday, for example was from an idea I read in a comic strip. You might ask what sparked this particular post. This post started with the cartoon above, and it evolved into what yopu are reading now. The title? At about the same time I downloaded the cartoon, the Beatles' "Obladi Oblada" was playing on the radio on my desk.
....If you haven't figured it out by now, I had a bunch of nothing to write about when I sat down at the computer this evening. Curiously when I have something to write about, the end result can be ... nothing. Yet, nothing can end up becoming something, even if it happens to be about nothing. Now isn't that something!
....So I decided to post some of the things that I have been writing down in that notebook for the past week or so. What follows will be posted at random and will have little or nothing in common.

**M_ckey, M_nn_e, M_ghty = three blind mice

**Found a title or nickname for Hoss: Sterculius - God who rules over feces and dung; depicted as a dung beetle

**That new KFC commercial with the rodeo riders on a chicken: Doesn't it sound like the man singing is saying something else instead of " big buckin' chicken?"

**Before television did everyone eat: Radio Dinners?

**Rick Petino when he resigned as head coach of the Boston Celtics several years ago made this statement when asked why he was quitting "I am tired of the morass of negativity that exists in Boston sports reporting." Hmm ... since when is there anything negative about more ass?

**Now this is one interesting example of a sentence using a similie: Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:30 pm travelling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph. (I think I found this on a link on one of Miss Cellania's posts.)

**Oblogdi oblogda life goes on bra
Lala how life goes on.

No.582

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Cross Genre Dressing


I got the idea for the following from the "Get Fuzzy" comic strip of 3/29/06. Bucky, the Siamese cat is always trying to come up with an idea to become rich and famous.
....The plan du jour in this cartoon featured "cross genre combinations. Characters or titles in one genre are to be combined with one of a different genre.

The examples cited in the strip were:

Simon & Garfield
The Beatles Bailey
Dilbert & Sullivan
Marmaduke Ellington
Sly & The Family Circus
Sammy Hagar the Horrible

Who am I not to take up the challenge? Here are some of my feeble attempts to help Bucky:

Get Fuzzy Zeller
The Fresh Prince Valiant
The Raiders of Boner's Ark
Brenda Starr Wars
Kirstie Alley Oop
Kiss of the Spiderman
Hi and Lois Lane
Calvin and the Hobbit
Mutts and Jeff
Terry and the Pirates of Pinzance
Smokey Stover & The Bandit
Li'l Abner Doubleday
LIttle Orphan Annie Get Your Gun
Romancing the Flintsones
Gumby & Pokemon
Tazmanian Devil in Mrs. Jones
Superman of La Mancha
Space Ghost & Mrs. Muir
Magilla Gorillas of the Mist
The Beverly Hillbilly Bears
Porky Pig's Revenge
Krazy Kat Ballou
Charlie Chan & the Chocolate Factory
That's a few that came to mind. Do any pop into your heads?
No.581

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Eugene The Love Machine


He was lonely since his wife left him. She had run away with his paternal Grandfather. Out of desperation, he decided to try one of those computer dating services. The ad said satisfaction was guaranteed.

Eugene was shocked when he found out his ideal mate was an old friend. He decided that he would fix up a nice romantic meal at home. Then the two of them would spend an intimate night in front of the fireplace.

He had never had much luck with women. He always wondered if his problem might have begun when he found his blind father's cache of Braille Playboys. He was slapped the first time he tried to "read" the girl next door.

One day he met Lefty. They become fast friends. At times they were inseparable. This relationship left him empty however. He yearned for a female friend. He tried joining the Sunny Nudist Camp. In more ways than one, that experience was hard on him. He realized that he wasn't the outdoor type.

The experience at the camp had taught him that he enjoyed being seen nude. He decided to buy himself a trench coat so that he could persue his fetish. He was surprised that none of the women he flashed were as enthusiastic as he was with the practice. He plied his new trade in various venues across the city. Subway stations were ideal. But trains and buses were not. One day he would have to look up the word 'pervert' in the dictionary. Then one fateful day, there was that horrible elevator incident.

His fortunes seemed to change when he "found" Mary Lou. The timing couldn't have been better since he had finally recovered from the surgery that had corrected the damage he'd suffered from the elevator doors. He had been in excrutiating pain every time he tried to take a leak. He even had to reject any advances from his buddy Lefty because of the stitches. Yet he was reminded of his primal urges everyday. It seemed that even the urinals were making passes at him.

In Mary he found stability in his life for the first time. She was there for him when he needed her. She didn't nag him when he didn't put the toilet seat down. She said nothing about his clothes strewn about. While she never said much and never wanted to go anywhere, she was always ready, willing and able to pleasure him. Not once did she ever complain of having a headache. She never rejected his advances. He was able to do things with her that he'd never imagined were even possible given the limitations of the human body.

She loved for him to bathe and dry her. He didn't realize it at the time, but all good things must come to an end some day. So it happened that one day while he was drying his beloved Mary Lou, his neighbor called the police, claiming he was hanging someone from his window. It was a sad day for Eugene. The cops came and took her away. He never saw her again. She never called. She never even wrote - not even a card.

In a strange twist of irony, the woman next door felt sorry for him. Maybe to make amends for her actions that had cost him Mary Lou the blow-up woman, she allowed herself to become intimate with Eugene. Three months later they were married. The honeymoon was over almost as soon as it had begun. Where Mary Lou had not nagged him, his new wife was constantly on his case about one thing or another.

It wasn't long afterward that Eugene began to hang out in the nearby Kelly's Tavern. He began to drown his problems in alcohol. It didn't take long for her to discover his sanctuary. Soon every one of the regulars began to call him Sam, after the sobriquet his wife tended to use when she phoned the bar looking for him.

Eugene was destined for happiness in the end. He was neither saddened nor angered when he came home one night to find her in bed with his visiting Grandfather. He shed no tears when she said she was leaving him and was going to move in with 'Pops.' In fact, he helped her move her belongings.

When he was matched up with his old friend by the computer dating agency, his life was turned around. He hadn't been so happy in a long time. As he and Lefty laid back on the couch exhausted, he took a sip of his beer and thought to himself, 'It doesn't get any better than this."

No.580

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Bushisms


"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." - (No shit, Sherlock!)
"I believe we are called to do the hard work to make our communities and quality of life a better place." - (You think?)
"As a matter of fact, I know relations between our governments is good." - (You is good at grammar.)
"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm telling you." - (I think you "see" our vision, that would be more betterer.)
"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well." - (And not your successors?)
"The best place for the facts to be done is by somebody who's spending time investigating it." - (English teachers everywhere are cringing at this one.)
"You took an oath to defend our flag and our freedom, and you kept that oath underseas and under fire." - (Gotta love those men in the subs.)
"I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep on the soil of a friend." - (Sleeping on a grave? Hmm ..)
"We discussed the way forward in Iraq, discussed the importance of a democracy in the greater Middle East in order to leave behind a peaceful tomorrow." - (After you nuke 'em, right?)
"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way." - (To hell with the victims, eh?)
"Part of the facts is understanding we have a problem, and part of the facts is what you're going to do about it." - (I are with you.)
"This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the table." - (In other words, kiss your Irani asses goodbye!)
"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" - (True. But often we ask "are" they learning?)
"I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy." - (WTF?)
"This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end." - (Pity we aren't playing a game of chess.)
"Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it." - (Let's see if I got this straight. If I'm in therapy they give me drugs, but no medicine. I'll have some of what you're taking.)
"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." - (All this time, I thought it was breaking a promise.)
"I understand that the unrest in the Middle East creates unrest throughout the region." - (And hunger in Appalachia creates hunger in that region.)
"If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!" - (Well, we shouldn't stand for it, should we?)
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." - (I surely wouldn't wany my dreams to take wing.)
"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.'' - (Then get your ass over there and find the WMD.)
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive position and have a tremendous impact on history." - (Bound and determined to leave your mark, eh?)
"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods." - (Are we talking hemorrhoids here?)
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - (You been seeing that pretty little mermaid again?)
"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected." - (I hate when that happens!)
"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" - (Hello? Less more, dummy.)
"I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them." - (All four of them? You gonna bore them to death?)
"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself." - (I like the woman on top. Does that count?)
"Governor Bush will not stand for the subsidation of failure." - (Of course not, let President Bush do it.)
"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign." - (For more of the same? I think not.)
"We ought to make the pie higher." - (Why not? The pile certainly is higher.)
"Quotas are bad for America. It's not the way America is all about." - (When's the last time you ever applied for a job?)
"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question." - (Ah, got it. You don't know what you believe.)
"Reading is the basics for all learning." - (Have you tried it?)
"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis." - (No wonder they drink!)
"I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun." - (Wouldn't it be easier to issue guns at the door?)
"First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country." - (If it made sense to you, what makes you think we should accept it?)
"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have...he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." - (Even I know that you always take the low horse and then the high road.)
"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas." - (And I thought they from the trunk of a Cadillac in an alley.)
"They misunderestimated me." - (Who? Your grammar teachers?)
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." - (I bow to you, oh Great Swami.)
"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants." - (I disagree. I don't think there is enough power.)
"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." - (Me, I always put the family on the food.)
"We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans." - (That's a relief.)
"I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe-I believe what I believe is right." - (And we are supposed to believe this?)
"I understand small business growth. I was one." - (Funny, thats what Laura said. "You have a growth on your small business.") "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." - (What kind of man reads Playboy?)
"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." - (It isn't?)
"If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all." - (Does this mean you can drink me under the table? Or am I missing the point?)

No.579

Monday, March 27, 2006

Blonde Leading The Blonde


I have nothing against blondes, but I think that every concubine should include at least one. -Mae West

A blonde and a brunette were having lunch together. The blonde noticed that her friend wasn't talking much. She asked of her, "Are you okay? You haven't said a thing."
...."My boyfriend just sent me a dozen roses," she replied.
...."That's great!" said the blonde, "But why so glum?"
....The brunette sighed and said, "It means I'm going to have to spend the evening with my knees up in air."

...."Why?" asked the blonde puzzled. "Don't you have a vase?"

What she wouldn't have given for some roadside assistance. Before persuing her country and western singing career, Dolly Parton was an auto mechanic. It seems she had front end problems.

A blonde's diary reveals that she has had a bad year:
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels... "duh"... bottles won't fit in typewriter!
March - Got excited... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!

June - Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition... learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm... car swamped, because top was down.
September - The capital of California is "C"... isn't it???
October - Hate M &M's... they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call 911... "duh"... there's no "eleven" button on the phone! What a year!!!

No.578


Sunday, March 26, 2006

Ever Been Redneckin'?


(This Redneckin' quiz was over at Kat's blog on 3/22. Since I have some Redneck genes, I thought I would borrow the idea for fun. I added a few at the end.)
.
1. Have you ever been muddin’? - Yes. Red clay muddin'.
2. Have you ever been on a dirt/gravel road? - Yes, you had to if you wanted to visit some of the kinfolk.
3. Ever been swimmin’ at the river? - With and without trunks.
4. Ever had a bonfire party? - Yep. My father had one every Saturday night in the summer.
5. Have you ever driven a tractor? - You betcha! (Lawn tractors don't count.)

6. Have you ever been on a horse? - Affirmative. My Grandparents had two of them.
7. Call a kiss “sugar” (Gimme some sugar)? - Used to hide from an aunt when she wanted to sugar.
8. Get stuck, in a 4WD, in mud up to the windows? - Up to the sideboard, but not to the windows.
9. Do you say fixin’, reckon and ya’ll? - You kidding? Spent 1st 17 years in West Virginia. Still use them.
10. Ever done 90 mph down a dirt road? - No. 50 mph was fast enough.
11. Worked/Lived on a farm? - Spent most of my youth on the weekends on Grandparent's farm, and they put us to work.
12. Been to a rodeo? - Yes, if one put on by the Shriners counts.
13. Do you own cowboy boots? - No. Never owned a pair.
14. Have you ever went rollin’ yard? - No, somehow I missed this.
15. Have you ever said “git er done”? -
Fer sure!
16. Does your town have a “Drive A Tractor to School Day”? -
No. But they did have tractor races. Again, not lawn tractors.
17. Have you ever had a party in a barn? - Well, we called them "hoedowns." I even went to a wedding in a barn.
18. Do you think tractors are sexy? - No, not particularly.
19. Ever rode a 4-wheeler? - No.
20. Are you from the country? - If Roane County, WV. isn't country, I don't know what is.
21. If so, are you proud of it? - Of course!
22. Gone hunting? - With sling shots and bow and arrows, but only once with guns.
23. Gone fishing? - If it wasn't for school, I'd have done a helluva lot more.

24. Can you clog or have you been clogging? - Unfortunately, just once.
25. Been on a hay ride? - Oh, yeah.
26. Have you ever line danced? - No. But I've been square dancing many times.
27. Camped under the stars? - I loved camping outdoors. (Trailers ain't camping.)
28. Ever been cow tippin’? - Don't tell my Granparents.
29. Ever owned a pick up truck? - Yep. Driving one now.
30. Had a pig for a pet? - No. I couldn't see getting attached to sausage and bacon unless it was cooked.
31. Own a pair of overalls? - Now - no! When I was a kid - yes.
32. Pee’d on the side of the road? When you gotta go, you gotta go! (Done number two also.)

33. Made homemade wine? - No.
34. Had a party at the creek? - Before, during and after skinny-dipping.
35. Milked a cow? - My stars! Of course.
36. Ran across round bails of hay? - I've seen a few, but the square ones are easier to run on.
37. Must have sweat tea? - Nope.
38. Been to a race? - If you mean NASCAR, no.
39. Drink fresh milk, straight from the dairy farm? - You don't think I'd milk a cow and not drink it?
40. Include the word “yonder” in your vocabulary? - Yup, all the time.

I added:
41.Have you been to a baptism in a river? - Yes. I was baptised (fully submersed) myself.
42.Ever been chased by a sow? A goat? A bull? A goose? - Yes, yes, yes and yes.
43.Used blasting caps to remove a tree stump? - Yep. One summer helped my Grandfather clear some more grazing land for the cattle.

44. Ever gone to the bathroom in an outhouse? - I was 12 years old before my Granparents had indoor plumbing.
45. Ever churned butter?
- Us grandchildren took turns, one churning while the others rested their arms.

46. Ever bathe with homemade lye soap? - Uh huh. Boy, was Lifebuoy a welcome sight.
47. Ever refer to your food as victuals (pronounced vittles)? - That's another yes.
48. Ever eat raw vegetables right out of the garden? - To this day, I still eat carrots, green beans, cabbage and turnip raw. In fact, it's the only way I will eat carrots and turnip to this day.
49.Ever kiss your cousin? - Ahem! Holds up hand. Only Kissing was involved!
50. Ever play country musical instruments: spoons, washboard, Jews harp or a banjo?
- Somewhere around my stuff, I still have my Jews harp.

.
(There you go. You will note I avoided any references to Deliverance jokes.)

No.577

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Dick Gumshoe, P.I.


I'm Dick Gumshoe, Private Investigator. The following events took place between 11:36 pm and 12:00 am. Yes, only 24 minutes. Do you think I have the budget for a whole day like that TV show?
The Case of the Stripper With One Shoe

It had been a slow day, as slow as every previous day had been ever since I'd hung my shingle outside the door of my office two months ago. I was feeling a little bitter. I suppose the half eaten jar of dill pickles may have had something to do with that. I picked up the discarded slip of paper I'd removed from a week-old fortune cookie. "Good fortune will knock at your door" was written upon it. Although it was smudged with duck sauce, the message was clear. That was a week ago, and the remnants of that Poo Poo Platter was a constant reminder. The Hung Dong Dragon restaurant should be sued for misrepresentation. There was only one knock at my door all week, and that was my land lord looking for payment on two months rent. Good fortune, indeed!
....The door swung open. Doesn't anyone ever knock anymore? Trying to remove my feet from the desk I tumbled onto the floor in a heap. I must remember to uncross my feet first the next time. I had found that missing container of Won-ton soup. As I was wiping the congealed liquid from my nose and chin, I heard the figure pass through the entrance into my office. ...."Are you okay?" a female voice called out to me. Since my electric bill was also in arrears, the darkened office allowed me to clean up a bit without detection.
...."Yes, of course," I answered. "Can I help you, miss?"
...."I am looking to hire a detective." It's amazing how one little word can pull a man out of the depths of dispair. She had said it - hire !
...."You come to the right place, ma'am. The name's Gumshoe."
...."Oh dear," she cried. "These are brand new. There's gum on my shoes?"
...."Uh, no. That's my name. I'm a Private Dick as they say in the trade." I walked around the desk to greet her properly.
....She glanced down at me, "I suggest you zip up or it won't be private for long."
....After that awkward moment I said, "I'm a Private Investigator."
....Before I knew what was happening she had removed her coat and was unbuttoning her blouse. "Strange," she said, "Everywhere I go ... to the doctor ... to a casting agent ... to the modeling agency ... even on a date ... and now to a detective ... everyone wants to investigate my privates."
....It was clear she had misunderstood me. I tried to prevent her from disrobing, but not until she was wearing only her stockings and shoes. No one had ever told me that being a P.I. could be this interesting. I cleared my throat and asked, "Can I assume you are a stripper?"
....She smiled and seemed to relax a bit. "Why, yes. Yes I am! You are good. How on earth could you have known that?"
....I wanted so much to say: Elementary, my dear lady. Instead I put on a professional persona and continued to gather the facts. "Just where is it that you ... ah ... strip? The Pussy Cat? The Pantyless Palace? The ..."
...."The Central Carpentry Company," she said. "I work in the stripping department. I remove varnish and paint from wood."
....Because of my steel nerves, I was able to maintain my composure. "Stripper, wood stripper, yes ... And I'll bet you are very good at it!"
....What man wouldn't want to be standing where I was standing. There I was in alone in a dark room with a naked ... wood stripper! Yes, the life of a dick can be very interesting. I surely had found my calling.
....I could only imagine what thoughts might be going through her mind: ....(Oh, dear. Is this what mama warned me about? Here I am standing naked in a dark room with a ... dick! Is this the romantic moment I've been looking for all my life? A strange man in crumpled clothes ... take out Chinese ... Is that an egg noodle hanging from his chin?)
....Suddenly the woman turned and walked ... no ... ran from my office. She hadn't even bothered to put on her clothes. One minute she was there in front of me, au natural, and the next she was running out of my life. As I was closing the door, I realized she had stiffed me. "Dammit!" I swore, "She didn't pay me either!"
....Without warning I stumbled on something on the floor and was sent flying. I came to rest with my head and shoulders in the trash can. I had finally found what was left of the Egg-Fu-Yung from two weeks ago. Pulling my self to my feet, I espied the object that had tripped me. It was a shoe. She had lost a shoe.
....Full of confidence, despite Egg-Fu-Yung on my face, I took my place behind the desk and swung my feet up onto it. I clasped my fingers around my head and took a deep breath. I giggled at the irony of it all. Miss Cinderella would be back for her slipper. It was almost midnight. I didn't have to wait long. The door burst open!
....It was my land lord! It seems he had seen the naked woman leaving my office and he wasn't too happy about it. He handed me an eviction notice.
....Yes, the life of a Private Investigator, fraught with danger and intrigue, can be quite interesting. In my case files, this had to be the most baffling. (Editors note: This was the first and only case in his files.)
....A bird began to chirp. Was it sunrise already? I turned and looked up at the clock ... Both hands were on the top bird ... It was 12 am.

(Stayed tuned to this Blog channel for the continuing adventures of Dick Gumshoe, P.I.)

No.576

Trimming The Lawn

It won't be long. Before I know, I'll be able to commune with nature. Soon I'll be able to take a deep breath of Spring air, just moments before I gag on the smell of gasoline and take in a lungful of carbon monoxide. Starting a lawn mower after it has been idle for several months, is a rite of spring.
....While invigorating, the first mow-job of the Spring is also educational. The lessons are free. All a student need do, is to open a window and listen to the professor. This early season class features a virtuoso lesson in the phonetics of slang. The spate of lexiconic verbiage will introduce the students to words that cannot be found in any Bible. With each yank of the starter cord, an almost melodious stream of words is made available for the student to add to their own vocabulary.

For now, the lawn mowing and vocabulary exercises will have to wait. That bitch, Mother Nature hasn't taken the shackles off Old Man Winter yet. Between you and me, I think she's into the kinky stuff, but Winter must like it. Only this week have the trees and some of the shrubs started to bud.

There are still some outdoor chores that can be started. First and foremost, the grill can be released from solitary confinement. It can then apply for a summer work-release program. It will get the job.
....This beauty has all the bells and whistles! Talk about state-of-the-art! You can grill some burgers, weinies, wings and ribs and all the while be blogging at the same time! With a special sensor chip, you can even "post" the smells of the grilling food to a smell pod. You might say it is "scratch and sniff" for the web.

My neighbor was out working on his boat. He was scraping and sanding to get it ready for a fresh paint job. He has to remove his ex-wife's name from the stern in order to put up his girl friend's name instead.
....From my own observations, I can see why a boat is defined as: "a hole in the water into which you throw your money."

Unfortunately, I have to wait a while longer before I send the snow blower to its post-winter storage. It has stay at the ready even into April, such is the weather in quaint old New England.

It is nice enough outside to wash and wax the transportation though. My wheels is wearing a dingy coat of dried salt and dirt and needs a serious washing. If perchance it does snow again at least a new coat of wax will protect it. Don't get any bright ideas any of you avian squatters.

After that I will grab a bite to eat, park my gluteus maximus in the Lazy Boy and fall asleep watching some excitingly boring program. I'll dream that the warm weather is finally here. I'll dream of cutoffs and the beach ... and bikinis ... and tee shirts ... and bikinis ...

I am poised at the edge of a triangular patch of coarse growth. The lawn mower is purring like a kitten. I trim the edges of growth. It is like soft heather damp and musty. Tee shirts ... and ... bikinis ... and ... fur ... and ... ass ...

My reverie is broken. The cat has jumped upon my chest and is rubbing against my face ... its fur ... and its ass!

No.575

Friday, March 24, 2006

What Did Delaware?


Actually, I'm not interested in what Delawore. I don't care what Tennesaw either. I am not going to answer with 'I don't know, Alaska.'

I am being distracted by a new program, Office Assistant. I think Suzie and I are going to get along just fine.

She's going to help me with a different sort of name game, most notably "Run-ins." We have come up with quite a list too. Don't know how to play? ...And don't say, 'I don't know, Alaska.' This simple word play game is an exercise in which you take the names of celebrities and use them in sentences without changing spelling or separating any part of their name. Adding punctuation is acceptable. The sentence should otherwise be grammatically correct.

For example: Did Frederick March in the parade? Easy enough, right?

Here are some that Suzie and I were able to muster:

William, Tell me how you were able to shoot the arrow at the apple on your son's head.
Didn't Ringo Starr in Caveman?
Can Manfred Mann the controls by himself?
I saw Minnie Driver her ball into the water hazard on the 13th hole.
Is Maria Callas with everyone?
When did Michael Landon New York?
Every morning, George Burns the toast.
Did you see Virginia Wolfe down her sandwich?
Did Mariah Carey her own baggage?
Did Johnny Cash his check?
Does Jody Foster any ill will for film critics?
Charlie Pride open the wooden crate.
Is Deborah Harry?
Did Norman Vincent Peale the orange?
Didn't Jerome Bettis that the Steelers would win?
When did Tammi Faye Baker cookies?
Did Mary Tyler Moore her boat at the dock?
Did Terrence Stamp all of the invoices paid?
Wisely, Ernie Banks his money.
When did Wiley Post the flight plan?
Was James Worthy of the award?
Did Nancy Walker dog this morning?
Did Wally Joiner in a game of Hearts?
Did Terri Hatcher plans yet?
Just what was it Jimmy Piersol?
Isn't Irene Dunne with that book?
Did Nell Carter own groceries?
Did Ester Rolle up her sleeping bag?
I saw Ezra Pound the nails into the board.
Did James Bond with the boy next door?
Where did Harrison Ford the river?
I saw Donald Duck the snowball.
Man, was Lorne Greene with envy.
Did Hugh Grant the reporter an interview?

Suzie just said that was plenty to post. She says we should leave some names out there for the readers to use if they decide to play. Besides she wants to test Option number five on the menu. Who am I to turn down a direct order?

No.574

Thursday, March 23, 2006

He Had Balls!


In a small Kingdom a terminally ill King was pondering the future. His wife had failed to bear him the son he had so desired to inherit his throne. Surrounded by several powerful kingdoms, he knew a successor had to be wise and strong.
....While she was beautiful and intelligent, he feared that his only daughter would not have the strength to rule and to preserve their Kingdom. His Kingdom was the richest around, and it had been the target of jealous rival monarchies for centuries. He felt that only a King could protect his legacy. His daughter would have to take a husband.
....Thus it came to pass that he issued forth a decree throughout the land for all suitors for his daughter's hand and the throne of his Kingdom. On a prescribed date, there would be a feast in honor of any prospective man who thought himself worthy.
....So many were they that traveled to his castle on said day, that he could not justly choose a husband for his daughter. Although he weighed considerably his daughter's attraction to any individuals from the plethora of suitors, he wanted to be certain the right man would be chosen.
....Under advisement from the court wizard, it was announced that there would be a test to determine which of the suitors would be the next man to ascend to the throne. The young princes, knights and commoners all gathered around on the day that the King unveiled the details of the test they would need to pass.
...."Hear ye! Hear ye! All men from all lands before God and the King," said the wizard as he read from the royal scroll. "On this day before the sun rises on another, go ye forth out into the lands. To prove you are worthy of the hand of the King's daughter and so shall one day sit upon his throne by her side, accept the terms of the following challenge. On the eve of the 18th birthday of the Royal Princess, two years hence, the one man who returns to this very throne room and has fulfilled those terms, shall be declared the winner. That winner will be the one among you who returns having collected the most pink ping pong balls."
....There was a hush that came over the throne room. Curious glances were exchanged among many of the suitors. A large number of the crowd, heads held low, turned and walked away. After those who had conceded, admitting they weren't up to the challenge of such an arduous task, there remained yet a large contingent who felt confident. There was a large feast and a night of revelry to honor those brave men who had accepted the strange test. Not since the Crusades had such a gathering of gallant men been assembled.
....The next morning, from the balcony adjacent to the throne room, the King, the Princess and the wizard watched the long parade of suitors crossing the drawbridge as they left the confines of the castle. The King was impressed just how driven some of them were as they jostled and pushed one another trying to gain an advantage over their rivals. Several fell into the moat below, propelled by the mass of bodies. The wizard remarked that the resident crocodiles would be well fed that morning. When the last of the men had disappeared in the distance, the three returned to the throne room. It would be business as usual in the Kingdom for the next two years.
....There was unrest throughout the kingdom as the months passed. If not for the King's strength, the Kingdom might have fallen against two sieges from the neighboring realms. Hostilities were eventually abated as mere days remained before the eve of his daughter's 18th birthday. The twenty-three months had seen the beautiful heir to the throne blossom into a radiant young woman. She was surely the most beautiful woman in all the known lands.
....On the last day, amid much pageantry, each retort of the troubadours' horns was met with breathless anticipation. The first of the suitors to return marched in, a confident demeanor about him, lugging a gunny sack over his shoulder. He proudly declared that he had collected 112 pink ping pong balls. He was led to a huge table overflowing with food and ale. It would only be minutes before the troubadours played again as the next adventurer strode in to the throne room. This suitor was a well regarded Knight from a neutral domain by the sea. A hush fell over the throne room as he boasted 385 pink ping pong balls. So it went with each passing hour; suitors returned with their booty, but none had collected as many as the Knight.
....Darkness had long since fallen when there remained but 5 minutes before midnight. From the original 750 suitors who set out on the trek to win the princess' hand, only 20 had returned. The perils of traveling about the lands had apparently taken a toll on most of them. By now the Princess and the Knight had begun to exchange suggestive nervous glances in the other's direction.
....As the King's guards were beginning to raise the drawbridge to seal the castle shut, there was a sudden flourish of horns. It was with only seconds to spare, that another young Knight appeared in the doorway of the throne room. There was a gasp as the eyes of those in attendance caught sight of him. He was covered in blood and his once magnificent armor was dented and soiled. At his side he carried the broken remains of his sword. He was dragging behind him an enormous blood-soaked sack. He collapsed at the King's feet and looked longingly at the Princess. It was determined by the wizard that nearly every bone in his body was broken. It was miracle that he had managed to make it back to the castle at all, much less bear the weight of the large sack.
....The King stepped forth and knelt by the valiant Knight. Lifting the man's head that he might speak to him, the King inquired, "Brave Knight, how many pink ping pong balls did you find?"
....As if his face wasn't ashen enough, the young man's face turned pale. His eyes widened in panic. He was attempting to speak aloud but he could not, he had not the strength. The King turned his head and lowered his ear next to the Knights trembling lips.
....Just a trice before he died the man whispered, "Ping pong balls?" After an agonized cough his last words were, "I thought you said King Kong's balls!"

The moral of the story: No matter what trials you face, he who succeeds has the biggest balls.

No.573

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Meme That Picture


Ding! You're Free To Move About The Web.
I'm not a big fan of memes, but I have to admit some of them can be fun and interesting. I don't know if this idea is original or not, but I thought I'd try to create a meme of my own. The idea was to find some images, post them, and then assign a song title(s) that best describe them. I tried to choose funny pictures, a little out of character for me don't you think?
Drive My Car - Beatles
These Eyes - Guess Who
Hot Rod Lincoln - Commander Cody & the Lost Planet Airmen
Every Breath You Take - Police


The first thing that popped up, well the first thing that popped into my mind with this one was:
Sugar, Sugar - the Archies
(You are my candy girl, and you got me wanting you.)
9 To 5 - Dolly Parton
(Any Dolly Parton song works.)
Whole Lot of Shakin' - Jerry Lee lewis
(Nuff said?)
Red Rubber Ball - the Cyrcle



Cross dressing reminds me of one song. So this one had to be:
Lola - the Kinks
(Then again, this one works too.)
The Lumberjack Song - Monty Python
(What reference to snakes would be complete without Jim Morrison?)
Crawlin' King Snake - the Doors


The first thought here is rather obvious:
Mona Lisa - Nat King Cole
(I think another one will work here too:)
One Toke Over The Line - Brewer and Shipley
Smile A Little Smile - The Flying Machine
(Smile a little smile for me, Rosemarie, Rosemarie.)


Lastly, this lovely lady conjures up:
Little Old Lady From Pasadena - Beach Boys
(How about a rather obscure one from an equally obscure group?)
Hey Grandma - Moby Grape
(Maybe I can sneak I can sneak in another?)
Eleanor Rigby - The Beatles

Well, there is an attempt at this idea using 5 images. Maybe some of you Meme Masters out there can take this idea and run with it?

Maybe you can come up with some better songs for the pics I chose. Come on, you know you want to take up the challenge.

No.572

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Feelin' Old?


(I received this in an e-mail. Many of you have probably seen it. For those who haven't:)

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws!

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane."

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? (Sorry)

Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate!

No.571

Monday, March 20, 2006

Not Another Brokeback Mountain Joke!

Broke His Back Mountin'
It was a book that they said couldn't be made into a movie. They said that "The World According To Garp" couldn't be made into a movie either. They were right on both counts! "Garp" featured a clown heading the marquee, and this film is no different.
....It's the story of a man born into this world with a platinum spoon in his mouth. This explains the strange speech impediment, a cross between a Texas drawl and the nasally driveling of Fran Drescher. He was once the poster child for "Hooked on Phonics."
Although he was born into a family of pacifists, young Dubya like to play war games with G.I. Joe action figures. He used brother Jeb's Barbie and Ken dolls and drafted them into his imaginary elite army. He reveled in the mayhem of what blasting caps could do to the dolls while envisioning his soldiers under mortar attack. He staged massive invasions of countries that threatened world peace and his view of what he thought the world should be.
Even as an infant, family and friends were struck with the realization of what kind of man he would become. As word spread of his unique qualities, there was a backlog of young women volunteering to babysit the young Bush baby. His mother once noted that his diapers had been changed twelve times in a two hour period.
Years later he found a young woman his age who loved changing his diapers, even after they got married. By then he was a young impressionable man who'd never worked a day in his life for a paycheck. He stood by jealously as his father became President of the United States. He vowed the day of his father's innauguration, that he would follow in his father's footsteps and that he too would be someday become the Commander-in-Chief. His experience with those G.I. Joes would someday pay dividends.
For inspiration he hung a poster of his father on the wall above his bed. The words on that poster would shape him, and make him a greater man than his Daddy. He would, from that day forward, be driven by that resolve. He swore that someday he would be able to pronounce "nuclear." It is said that he broke his back mountin' the challenge to succeed no matter how ambiguous and mundane his abilities to deliver a speech.
The rest is history. He is now the Commander-in-Chief. He has invaded a country he perceived to be a threat to America. Where his father failed to get Saddam Hussein, he succeeded. Where his father managed to go to war with minimal loss of life, Dubya is rolling up the numbers. In more ways than one, he is succeeding in being greater than his Daddy.
From the book there is an account of a day of leisure in the President's busy schedule. What follows is an excerpt of a trip to Boston, Massachusetts.
Play Ball!
George and Laura Bush are at the Boston Red Sox' home opener ; sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Dubya. At first, the President stares at the guy, looks at Laura, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no". The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy." George hesitates... but then begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! He reminds Dubya of his sinking popularity numbers and a public appearance could help him. Bush shrugs his shoulders and says, "Oh-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Laura, baby..." With that, he gets up, grabs his wife by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She lands face first into the dirt near first base. She gets up kicking, swearing and screaming, "George, you "!^$#@&!" The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Dubya is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first Pitch .."
What The Bleep With The Veep?
The relationship between him and his Vice President, Dick "Shotgun" Cheney, makes one wonder if the latter may have been one of his baby sitters years earlier. Because of his connections with Haliburton, Cheney used his influence to reach out to another conglomerate to produce a breakfast product bearing the image of the President. He figured if Americans could wake up to face a Bush in the morning, they could live with, sleep with and eat bush the rest of the day. Kelloggs board agreed to produce the cereal, but they rejected his slogan. They settled instead for "Two Scoops of Nonsense in Every Box."
There you have it, a brief synopsis of the book and the film. From where this critic is sitting, both are redundant. The characters are as one-dimensional on paper and film as they are in real life. Read the newspapers, watch the news and listen to the debates amoung your friends and co-workers if you really want to know how many scoops Dubya is going to lay on us.
Help keep the book off the Best Sellers List. Rent Ishtar or Gigli, but don't see this movie!
No.570

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Popcornucopia

I just love the smell of Microwave popcorn in the evening!
With the NCAA tournament on the television in the next room as a backdrop, I was ready to sit down at the computer for a little while. From the kitchen there was a melodious chime. But soft, what aroma from yonder Microwave oven? Whoever it was who said Manna came from Heaven, obviously never owned a Microwave oven. Manna comes from a magical package the size of a man's wallet. When inserted into that omnipotent box, that package is transformed into a food worthy of even a Blog God.
The miracle of it was first apparent when I opened the bag and was temporarily blinded. It was not a Holy brilliance, but rather the steam fogging my glasses. This was only a minor annoyance, for my olfactory senses were rewarded by the warm bouquet within. With just the right amount of salt and melted butter, this was Manna in a poke! Speaking of rewards:
Henry Ford in Heaven
Henry Ford died and went to Heaven. At the gates, St. Peter greets him and says, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention - the assembly line for the automobile changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you wish."
Ford thinks to himself about it and replies, "I want to hang out with God himself!"
So St. Peter takes Ford to the Grand Throne Room and introduces him to God. Pleasantries aside, Ford then asks God, "When you invented woman, what were you thinking?"
God asks in return, "What do you mean?"
"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: (1) There's too much front-end protrusion. (2) It chatters way too much at high speeds. (3) Maintenance is extremely too high. (4) It constantly needs repainting and refinishing. (5) It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 days out of every 28. (6) The rear end wobbles too much. (7) The intake is placed too close to the exhaust. (8) The headlights are usually too small. (9) Fuel consumption is outrageous. ....That's just to name a few."
"Hmm ...," ponders God, "Hold on a minute."
God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report and God reads it.
God turns back to Ford and says, "It may well be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."
While on the subject of riding: (Click on image for larger view and to read caption.)

Imagine! Exercise that is fun!

To have success as an inventor one must have imagination and the intuition to see the market. Whether one is inventing an assembly line, a Microwave oven, popcorn, a woman or exercise equipment, one needs an education. The subject of education reminds me that:

Schoolin' is Good

A Hillbilly family's only son managed to save enough money to go to college. He figured it shouldn't be too hard, it only took him 30 years to get through High School. After he graduates Magna Cum Lawd He's Dumb in 8 years, he came back home. The family was sitting around the dinner table when the father said, "Well son, seein' as you done gone to college, you must be purty durn smart. Why don't you speak some Math for us?" Junior sat up straight and said, "Okay, Pa. Pi R squared." After a moment the father said, "Tarnation! Son, they ain't teached you a lick! Pie are round. Cornbread are square!"

I just had another thought: It's about time I ended this post.

No.569

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Bloggers Guide To The Blogoverse


What are you doing with your life? Do you need an invitation? You already have one ... It's called a birth certificate!

I have no idea who authored the above or where that quote came from. It was written in red ink in one of my stenographer notebooks. Obviously I liked the quote enough to jot it down. It is the kind of question that would be asked of us by someone. I have opted to ask it of myself.

Indeed, what have I done with my life? Accepting the fact that there is more of it behind me than there is ahead, I can only consider the now and the morrow. Any milk that has been spilled in the past is now as dry as any of the tears that I might have cried.
As for me, life is not about what I have done, but moreso what have I left that is undone. Perhaps I should modify that quote a bit to: What am I going to do with the rest of my life? Do I need an invitation? I already have one... It's called a death certificate!

No, I'm by no means a fatalist. I do not believe in predestination! I have a firm grip on the reins. I choose which stars to sail by. When I get behind the wheel, it's my decision which fork in the road I take. As such, I have chosen the lighter side.

If I were to borrow from Douglas Adams, my Blogger's Guide To The Blogoverse would squirt the world in the eye with a clown's lapel flower. In my world, Albert Einstein's most important equation would not be about the theory of relativity. That theory would involve heavenly bodies of another sort.

....Mairzy dotes and dozy anecdotes ... The handful of readers who do stop by here, know that very little of what I commit to the screen is ever serious. There can be humor in a broken heart if you know where to look. Koko the Clown was shocked that the Elastic Woman rejected his advances.
....I liked this picture. In fact, I never met a picture I liked that I didn't like enough to steal.

I'm an animal lover. I know many of you out there are too. Dog lovers, when your dog licks your face, have you ever thought about where his mouth might have been? Maybe we don't really want to know!

I wonder how many out there knew that Sam Walton's first store was not located in the United States. I guess this little known fact puts a new spin on "Made In China."

It occurred to me that polygamy loves company!


Have you noticed that McDonalds no longer has those signs that say "____ Served?" (Insert rediculously large number in blank.) I am inclined to say that somebody must have lost count!
....While on the subject of Mickey Dees, isn't it interesting that while it has less carbohydrates, their Chicken Caesars Salad has more calories than two Big Macs? How does that toast your buns?

Have ever read a more divergent post than this one? If so, you must be new to my site.

If you haven't noticed by now, this Blog is not much of a guide. Well, it just might steer you from coming back another day. If so, I'd say it accomplished its purpose. Think of it this way, this Blog can be used as a model for "how to not write a Blog."

Anyway, thanks for dropping in. Y'all come back, ya hear?

No.568

Friday, March 17, 2006

Psychic Blarney


Happy St. Patrick's Day! May the luck of the Irish be with all you lads and lassies! Erin go braugh-less!

The beauty and the bane of my job is that I get to drive around most of the day from house to house and town to town. The bane is the wear and tear on my wheels. The bane is dealing with the good, the bad and the ugly side of other drivers out there.
....The beauty is that I get to interact on a personal level with a lot of people. This interaction allows me the satisfaction of helping those who need help, the elderly especially. The beauty of my job is that this same interaction often gives me fodder for my Blog. My archives are generously littered with that fodder in the form of anecdotal postings. Today is no exception.

I was on an errand for an elderly couple to pick up some prescriptions at one of a few remaining neighborhood drug stores. This establishment proudly uses the word 'Apothecary' instead of Pharmacy on the facade of its building. I live in the same neighborhood and I, like all of its patrons, enjoy a friendly first name relationship with those who work there. Nearby there is a Housing Development for Senior citizens and the residents there make up a large percentage of the store's clientele.

The druggist was dealing with an animated, talkative lady, the only other customer in the store at that moment. He was listening politely to what sounded like so much blather to me. "Joe, did I tell you that I scored a 95 on the test?"
...."No, I don't believe you did," he replied. "What test was that?"
...."You don't remember? I have been accepted to Astrology College!"
....I think the pharmacist and I were formulating the same question in our minds. There is an Astrology College?
...."Really?" he said. "Where is that college? Is it around here?" Joe looked past her at me. I shrugged to assure him that I'd never heard of it either.
...."I'm not too sure," she answered. "It doesn't mater anyway. I'm going there through the mail."
...."Ah," Joe said, "A correspondence course."
...."I guess so. All I know is that I send my finished tests to them in the mail."
....Both Joe and I were beginning to see some humor in this exchange. Myself, I sensed some possible Blog material. I began to wonder just who was sponsoring this "Astrology College" - The Psychic Friends Network? I was thinking about that test on which she scored a 95. What kind of a test was it?
...."It's been a dream of mine to be a Psychic for a long time," she said. "I didn't think I passed the test at first."

Let me see if I got it straight. She took a test and scored a 95. She is mailing the test to the college. Why? Wouldn't the professors know if she passed the test? One would assume so. Then why the mail? Just how does she know how she did on the test? My brain was running on all cylinders. Ah, I think I know. The professors must have held a sceance and "channeled" to her.
....I was having a little trouble with the concept of the college. You can "learn" to be a psychic? You can be "taught" to be psychic? I was under the impression that this was a natural or latent or inherited ability. Why didn't she ace the test? Personally, I think this woman was going nowhere and getting there fast! I was reminded of the pathetic lows into which both Dionne Warwick and Ester Rolle had fallen as spokespersons for The Psychic Friends Network.
....My wandering mind was interrupted by the exchange taking place between the woman and Fay over at the cash register. She was buying a pack of gum. "Oh dear. I only have a twenty-dollar bill," she said. "I left eighty-seven cents on my dresser."
....She left change on her dresser? Wow, I thought to myself. This lady is good. Her psychic powers were incredible!
...."I'd better get a newspaper too," she said. "I better catch up on what's happening in the world."
....I thought to myself, "You don't know?"
....She turned and called over to Joe the Pharmacist, "Has my doctor called in my prescription yet?"
....Then it hit me. She knew. She was just testing us. Damn. She was good! I had a sudden urge to talk to her. It might have been a good idea to seek her advice on an important matter. She could tell me what teams were going to reach the NCAA Final Four. I had the copy of my brackets in my pocket. Her amazing precognition could help me win some money in the pool.
....I looked her over. She didn't look like a psychic. Come to think of it, just what does a psychic look like? She was wearing a raspberry stocking cap pulled down to her eyebrows. She was decked out in a lime green natty-looking fleece coat. The black and white Converse sneakers had matching laces, one red and the other black. Then there were the argyle stockings, one red and the other green with black patterns. I fought back the urge to laugh at her ability to match socks. She knew what she was wearing. Her powers were phenomenal! She knew that she had another pair just like them back home. It would be a stretch, but she may well have another set of matching shoelaces.

Once Joe had given me the prescription for my client, I left the drug store. As I was crossing the street to my truck, I was startled by the braking screech of tires! Behind me the Psychic had walked right into the path of an on-coming car. You'd have thought she would have known that the car was coming and would've stayed on the sidewalk until it passed. She wants to be a psychic? I don't think I would want her to read my palms.

As I was driving away, it suddenly occurred to me that she was in fact an impressive psychic after all. She knew the car would stop in time!

No.567

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Once Upon A Time In The Future


Although it is an obsolete program, I have finally managed to get Time Blog Matrix 3.0 up and running. That explains why you will be, are able to read this blog when you were are supposed to have read it - today. Strange, but it's confusing to say the least, to post this blog on this date, but it is necessary. It had to be posted when it was supposed to be. The very fabric of the Space-Time Continuum was at stake.
....It's ironic when I think of it. No, it's maddening. Even as I will have been posting it, I will have already posted it both today and then. As confusing as this is to me to make this post comprehensible, I fear the opposite will be the result. While I am posting it for him, he is posting it for me.
....Let me start at the beginning. Whether its my beginning or his is no longer germane. We are one and the same, and yet not. Suffice it to say, it is our beginning.

I had toyed around with this idea for quite awhile. Then on Sunday, there was a coincidencal chain of events that put me back on that thought process again. First, I was flipping around on the TV set with the remote possibility I would find something that could hold my interest for a while.
.... One click landed me on the movie "The Demolition Man," starring Sly Stallone, Wesley Snipes and Sandra Bullock. Since I had seen it nearly a dozen times, I resumed surfing. The next stop gave me "Back To The Future," which I liked but it never rated a second watch. When I landed on "The Bicentennial Man," I considered giving it a go for about the fourth time. Robin Williams as an android that lives two hundred years to become almost human was an interesting theme the other four times, but number five didn't happen that day.
....Then I hit one of those dimwitted Brendon Fraser films "Blast From The Past," giving me pause to realize that there was a pattern developing before my eyes. When I landed on the local sports network, NESN, they had a feature on the All Star game that was played at Fenway park. That game marked the last public appearance of Ted Williams. I saw a continuation of the pattern even here.
....As most people know Teddy Ballgame died shortly there after. To the horror of many, Ted was placed in cryogenic storage. Returning the set to The Demolition Man to let it play in the background, I fired up the HP. The southern fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy and corn bread dinner wouldn't be ready for another hour, so I decided to go on line.
....While reading some of the works from my Blogroll,
Tan Lucy Pez was discussing the disposition of herself when she dies. There it was on the screen in her Blog, a reference to Cryogenics. I had to sit back and assess what was happening, especially the reoccurrence of a theme. In The Demolition Man, both Stallone's and Snipes' characters were brought back to life from their Cryogenic stasis in the future. Back To The Future concerned time travel to the future. The Bicentennial Man lived for two hundred years into the future. Blast From The Past was a little different. Brendan Fraser's character comes out of a bomb shelter he'd entered with his family several decades earlier. Although he'd aged, he in essence had emerged into the future.

That brings me to that idea I had been toying with for a while. Suppose I was to recieve an e-mail from myself ... from the distant future. In the e-mail I learn I was ... will be cryogenically preserved due to an untimely death from an undiscovered terminal disease. My future self "tells" me that by the year 2500, they will have found a cure and as such revived me almost five hundred years after my "death."

After the cultural shock of five centuries worth of changes, almost unimaginable, and hours of psychiatric re-conditioning, I was allowed to pursue a life. Others had preceded me in the past, and as such I was not a novelty. For the most part, I was simply ignored like any other person of the 26th Century. I maintained nearly all of my memories from 2006. When I remembered that I had been maintaining a Blog, I wondered if it would still be accessible after so much time had passed.
....I cannot divulge too much to you about the technological and medical advancements that have occurred since I died. You must remember that there is the Space-Time Continuum stream that must not, cannot be interrupted. Having said that, I was both surprised and pleased that I was able to find and access my ancient blog.
....To my horror I discovered that this post was missing! It hadn't been posted! Yet it was posted. This was the nightmare that theorists had predicted - a paradox. Somewhere, somewhen something in the flow of time had been changed because of a blog, or to be precise the lack of a blog. You see, that left me with a crucial dilemma. In a way I was the crux of my own paradox. This post will not be posted until I send myself an e-mail. How could I? I was dead! The fact that I am posting this confirms that fact. The perplexing part of this is the fact that while I recall posting this blog, I do not recall receiving an e-mail from myself.
....I, meaning my 21st Century self, would not be able to reply to that e-mail. First of all, the Time Blog Matrix software will not have been developed until the year 2285. Since I have no recollection of receiving the e-mail, I have no idea if this blog will be posted, inspite of my efforts. Perhaps I still exist in your/my future/present because I did receive the e-mail. The paradox may lie there. Once my 2006 self reacts to the e-mail and fulfills the proper time line, there will have been no need for an e-mail to have been sent back in time in the first place. With no e-mail sent from the year 2500, I could not have received it in 2006.
....I will never know what will happen when, once I have pressed that "send" key. Here goes ....................

There has been a strange chain of coincidental events happening today. Why are there so many movies on television today featuring time travel and cryogenics? Isn't it odd that
Tan Lucy Pez would be mentioning cryogenics too? It must be some quirk of fate, I guess. It reminds me of an idea I have been toying with. What if I were to receive an e-mail ... from myself ... from the future ....

No.566