Friday, June 30, 2006
Introducing a Blogdom first! Your favorite blonde jokes woven into one exciting story. Not since "Candy" has such passion and naivete' been collected in one source.
....(Okay, maybe it's not the first in all of Blogdom, but it's certainly a first in this Blog.)
Tiffany, a pretty blonde, was tired of hearing all those dumb blonde jokes. She had been the brunt of some them herself. So she decided to start a petition to outlaw the demeaning jokes. She realized that she would need a lot of money to get started, so she flew to Las Vegas to win some.
....When she arrived at the casino she walked up to soda machine just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
....Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
....She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.
....As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Miss, but are you done yet?"
....She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh! I'm still winning!"
Feeling a little hungry and mindful of her shapely figure, Tiffany buys a banana and sits down on a park bench to eat it. The men in Vegas were no different than those back home in California she thought. She didn't understand why they were always so fascinated watching her eat a banana. Several guys came up to her and asked her out on a date. One of them said he had a large banana at his apartment and that she was welcome to go there with him to see it.
....She turned him down saying, "My doctor says I should eat one banana a day. I am having it right now." The man started to walk away and she called to him, "How about tomorrow? I'll need one again then."
....She accepted his address and telephone number and agreed to call him the next day. She was pleased that she would save money thanks to the man's free lunch offer.
Not having much luck in her attempts to win money at the casinos, Tiffany saw an ad in the local paper that a ranch nearby was looking for experienced men and women to conduct horseback tours. She hadn't been on a horse since she was a little girl, and felt she needed to practice before applying for the job. She found a place where she could ride a horse for a reasonable fee.
....She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but Tiffany begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune . . . the Supermarket manager sees her and shuts the horse off.
Her body aching from the ordeal, Tiffany decides to go see a doctor. Not wanting to be taken advantage of, she purchased a red wig so the doctor wouldn't know she was blonde. Having played doctor as a child, she knew the routine and removed all of her clothes and waited for the doctor to come into the room. The doctor, surprised to see a naked woman in the waiting room, motioned for her to go to the examination room.
....Inside she tells the doctor that her body hurts whenever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
....She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams. For good measure she pushes her finger against her breast and screams in pain.
....The doctor looks at her and says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
...."No," she replies. "I'm actually a blonde."
...."I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
Tiffany keeps her date the next day. While she was not impressed with the banana he showed her, she was appreciative of his hospitality. Before long, their articles of clothing were spread all over his living room floor.
....They settled in front of a large fireplace onto a huge bearskin rug. She proudly demonstrated her banana eating skills much to the man's delight. By then she was ready and she asked him to take her. He was more than ready and thrust his hips forward ... into the gaping mouth of the bear head.
....She was startled by his scream. She was stunned as she watched him hopping around in pain, his hands clamped tightly on his privates.
...."You poor, dear," she said passionately. "You must have broken your finger."
Tiffany had not forgotten her reason for coming to Las Vegas in the first place. She needed money. In the paper she found an ad for an opening at a local law firm. They were looking for an intelligent person to train as a paralegal, no experience required.
....At the law firm she was given an application and a questionnaire to complete. Shortly after completing the forms she was sitting in front of the director of Human Resources. The man behind the desk said, "I have just a couple more questions. I need your answers orally."
....Tiffany smiled and said, "Oh, you have a banana for me too?"
....The man eyed her for a moment, cleared his throat and said, "Describe to me "Roe vs. Wade."
....She thought for a moment before answering, "Well. duh. That's the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the river to fight the British!"
....The man shook her hand and told her not to call him. He would call her if she had the job.
....The next day, on her return flight to California, Tiffany was sitting in the first class section when she was approached by the flight attendant. She informed Tiffany that she had to move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
....She replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to California and I'm not moving."
....Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to California and I'm not moving."
....The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde. I know how to handle this."
....He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
....Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
....He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to California."
Thursday, June 29, 2006
All I wanted was a freakin' bag of Cheez-Its! I was somewhere in a maze that is the Pittsburgh airport. That place has more wings than Buffalo. I had been laid over there for three hours as it was, and I think I was in everyone of them.
....You can only ride on moving sidewalks so many times before you get bored. It was okay the first couple of times because it was the first time I'd ever seen them. You know what they are? They are just a giant treadmill three hundred yards long, except there are no handles on which to hang your coat. Picture an escalator laying on its side with no steps, and you'll have a moving sidewalk.
....Perhaps there is some etiquette I wasn't privy too. I got the most annoyed look from nearly everyone I passed on the darn things. Was I supposed to stand there on this conveyer belt looking stupid like everyone else? I might not have known where I was going, but I certainly made better time getting there than those mannequins.
....Now geometry wasn't a class that I had aced in school, but I was relatively certain that if you took four lefts, you had a good chance of ending up where you started. Not so in Pittsburgh's airport it seemed. Apparently the laws of physics as I learned them, did not apply there.
....All I wanted was a bag of Cheez-Its. I was following the impeccable directions of one of those "Fly the Friendly Skies" women back at my arrival gate. She supposedly had pointed me in the direction of a concourse inhabited by a bank of vending machines. It turns out that instead, she'd sent me off on a crusade.
....I was on the second leg of connecting flights from Boston to Charleston, West Virginia, by way of Pittsburgh. Either by birthright or by just plain luck of the draw, I was born in an area that apparently has no direct flights to anywhere beyond a distance of three hundred miles. I do take some small comfort in referring to the trip as two non-stop flights.
....This adventure, for a lack of a better word, had found me traveling with a heavy heart. It was in November of 2000. My mother had succumbed to diabetes at the young age of 74 only two days before. I didn't really need or want any further distractions. This was at a time when you could still carry a pocket knife and fingernail clippers in your pocket and not be considered a threat to national security.
....I still wanted a bag of Cheez-Its. I watched stunned as the vending machines passed me, going in the other direction. Actually, it was me in motion on the moving sidewalk. The airport planners for some reason known to only themselves, had decided that the vending machines belonged halfway between the entry and exit points of the treadmill path.
....It took me ten minutes to get to the end of the sidewalk and to trek the hundred-fifty or so yards back to the vending machines. $3 for a bag of Cheez-Its? Well, it was the goal of that crusade. It was the "holy grail" I had been seeking. The machine accepted bills only and the moment I had inserted a ten dollar bill, I realized I might have made a mistake. Sure enough, I hit for an unwanted jackpot! The clinking-clanging of seven dollars worth of quarters in the change slot was quite evident.
....Where's my Cheez-Its? The bag was hanging, dangling tantalizingly at the end of the metal coil. As precarious as it hung there above the open space of the retrieval chute, none of my attempts at shaking the machine would jar it free. As quickly as I considered it, I dismissed the thought of putting in another three dollars. Glancing at my watch, I saw that had only ten minutes before my flight to Charleston would be boarding.
....I really wanted that bag of Cheez-Its! Within a half hour, I was airborne. By the time stewardess was pushing her cart down the aisle, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would have to settle for a complimentary bag of stale peanuts. Trust me on this one, those peanuts aren't really free. They have been pre-figured into the price of the flight tickets. I couldn't believe it, but I was let down again! They didn't have peanuts. They were giving out pretzels. I hate pretzels!
....It seemed that none of the passengers around me were particularly fond of them either. I didn't see or hear any of the packets being torn open. Then I heard a package being opened to my left across the aisle. I decided to check it out. To my horror, a woman was tearing open a bag of Cheez-Its! It was a conspiracy I tell you. The bitch had stolen my Cheez-Its! She had been watching me at those machines. She had gotten my Cheez-Its for free. Somehow she must have shook the machine in just the right way and was rewarded with my $3 pack of Cheez-Its!
....For the remainder of the flight I chewed on a few sticks of stale pretzels, imagining they were those little golden squares of cheesy delights. Finally, I dozed a bit and let my mind re-focus on the purpose of my trip. The snack crackers didn't seem so important for the next couple of days.
....A lesson was learned, or rather re-learned, however.
....I hate pretzels!
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Today it felt like there was a "battle of the bands" going on inside my skull. The cranial concert began innocently enough this morning. I don't remember what product was featured in the commercial, but the background music was "California, Here I Come."
....Ordinarily that isn't the type of song that sometimes get stuck in my brain. Having said that, I am often wont to parody song lyrics. So I began to sing along with the commercial, but with my own twist to the lyrics: "Calamari, Here I Come ..."
....I was rescued from that tune by the next commercial. The song for that commercial has been around since I was a kid, and I have been using my own words even then. "I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, That is truly what I want to be..." Then I take over the mike: "Coz if I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, Everyone could take a bite of me!"
....I won't ask if you have ever had a song "super-glued" to your brain - I know you have. We all have. If you are particularly susceptible to this phenomenon, you may want to avoid the rest of this blog.
....Warning! Several more song titles and annoying lyrics will be presented in this post. The author is not responsible for any residual lyrics left in your head.
....I find it curious that a lot of those "glue" songs are usually dumb, silly and nonsensical. Many of them are either novely songs or commercial jingles. Perhaps, the dumber the song the more ingratiating it becomes, so much so that it imprints itself in your mind. Hence, my personal defense mechanism is to destroy it in parody.
....From the voice of experience you guys out there, you might want to avoid singing cheerfully along with a certain Kid Creole and the Coconuts' song. My animated, finger-snapping sing-a-along to the following lyrics did not win me any points with my wife. "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, Never make a pretty woman your wife. So from my personal point of view, Get an ugly woman to marry you." Get my drift? That song tends to stick in my head every time I hear it, but I am no longer demonstrative when I sing along.
....Harry Nillson, I like your music, but "Put the lime in the coconut?" Melanie Safka, don't you wish you could take back "Brand New Key?" Maria Muldaur, have ever had that awful feeling you get when fingernails are run down a blackboard? That's how I feel everytime I hear "Midnight At The Oasis." I find that all three of those songs get under my skin and alas, to add to the torture, they get stuck in my head.
....It isn't just songs that you don't necessarily like that take up residence in your brain. Quite the contrary, there are "okay" songs that stick too. Any song that tends to replay in your head came become tiresome. It doesn't matter whether you like it or not. You just want it out of your head! ("Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead.")
....I like Australians, but did they have to give us "Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport?" How's your appetite when you hear "Yummy, yummy, yummy, I've got love in my tummy?" Why have we had so much rain on the Atlantic seaboard this Spring/Summer? ("Ah, ah. Oh no, don't let the rain come down, Coz my roof's got a hole in it and I might drown.") This one makes me a little merciless: "Do you really want to hurt me.." Yes, Boy George. Very much!
...."I Shot the Sheriff." It's okay Eric Clapton, everbody is entitled to a mistake every now and then. Look at how many David Bowie has made. 'Bend me, Shape me, anyway you want me.".. Do you like to gamble? "You gotta know when to hold them..."
A favorite: "I'm flying high in my taxi, Taking tips and getting stoned..." Speaking of flying: "10-20-30-40-50 or more, The bloody Red Baron kept running up a score." Before you know it, the songs start bouncing around within your skull like a "Red rubber ball."
....Now that I have thoroughly messed up your respective heads, perhaps you have experienced some of these glue songs that you would like to share. Look at it this way, you might plant them in my head as payback! Every one of those songs and lyrics were in my head at some point during the day. What's in my head now? Remember the one-hit wonders The Seeds? "You're pushing too hard, Your pushing too hard on me."
Monday, June 26, 2006
A man walks into a drug store with his 9-year old son. Their path finds them walking by the condom display, and the boy asks: "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies: "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
...."Oh I see.", replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies: "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.
....He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers. "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
...."WOW!" exclaimed the boy; "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March, one for.."
That nine-year-old boy just happened to grow up to become President of the United States of America one day. While he did maintain appreciation for fine art, it is unfortunate that his father never told him the proper way to use a cigar.
Maybe another father should have taught his son better ways to make a point. Obviously there wasn't much of a legacy left behind for his son to have a chance to succeed in the White House.
When parents set a bad example by being poor role models, the end result is that square pegs are squeezed into the Oval Offices.
One can only wonder who the next square peg will be. Chances are that he will probably come from the Democratic Party. Bush's awful approval ratings can only hurt the GOP. Presidential elections are merely the process whereby the American people elect the lesser of the two evils. It's a lot of fun being an Independent!
The Republicans had better place the lanterns in the church tower soon. The warning cry will be heard throughout the Party, "The Democrats are coming! The Democrats are coming!"
I am reminded of a scene near the end of the movie, Grease, where Eve Arden as the principal tells the graduation class that among them might be the next Richard Nixon.... That's right, a future President might be sitting in a classroom full of punkers or rappers ... or ...
File this under: Perish the Thought.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Lately, it seems I've been engaged in the Battle of the Bulge. Practicing girth control hasn't been so easy. Honestly, my recent weight gains haven't become problematic yet. Tipping the scales at 170 pounds with a 34-inch waist hardly makes me a round mound, but it confirms that being middle-aged refers to more than just the calendar.
....This time last year, I weighed in at 155 soaking wet. There were no love handles casting shadows on my size 32 belts. My neckties, when I had to wear one, hung straight without the need of deeply held breaths.
....Now those same ties seem to have developed a slight bow, even when I'm not wearing them. I can attribute this to the fact that my stomach has gone through some geographic changes. Fortunately, the bread basket hasn't begun to obscure the view of the plumbing.
....My wife admonishes me for these observations, however. Suffice it to say, she has spent more time in these skirmishes than I. She swears to all that's holy, that she can gain five pounds just looking at cheese cake.
....This morning she demonstrated the effects of gravity, to a captive audience I must admit. The lesson was not lost me as she cupped her ample breasts and reminded me that I had no worries about mine sagging earthward.
....My well intended offer to help her hold them was not met with the desired appreciation I'd wanted. Even when I reminded her that after 34 years of marriage she still looked good to me, I sensed it fell on deaf ears. This was one confrontation that precluded any references to weapons of mass distraction. Any thoughts of sexual play was in a state of hors de combat.
....From behind the bathroom door I heard her exclaim, "One size fits all? What a crock of shit!" So much for the outfit she was planning to wear, I thought. I thought better of reminding her that the ass is always leaner on the other side of the dressing room door.
....At this point, my own lamentations over my anatomy seemed insignificant. Pursuit of the subject would only bring about unwanted histrionics anyway. It was supposed to be a day of celebration. Today is our daughter's 32nd birthday. Therein lies the crux of our geography, physics and anatomy lessons for the day. Implied, but unbreeched was the matter of quantum physics, where it holds true that for every year a child ages, likewise so do the parents.
....We each wolfed down hastily made cold cut sandwiches as soon as we realized we were losing another battle, this time against the clock. I know that eating on the run isn't the healthiest way to dine, and it reminded me that haste makes waist. My wife left first to pick up a cake - surprise - at the last minute. That left me to load up the gifts before I could also hit the road. On the way, she was also going to pick up the meal. The meal du jour? A bucket of KFC, of course!
....Yes, there will be some more military references before this day is over. Are you familiar with navel maneuvers?
Saturday, June 24, 2006
After reading my last post that sweetheart Monty must have felt sorry for me over my ugly shirt. She no doubt thinks I need a make-over. So, she sent me some samples to consider. I guess if we are ever seen in public together, she wants to make sure I show a sense of class and style. Clothes make the man, eh Monty? (For the record, no matter what she was wearing, she would look good at my side.)
....Both Monty and Megan left comments wanting to see this "ugly" shirt. Unfortunately, that shirt no longer exists as far as I know. It wasn't a t-shirt, but by today's standards and styles, it would definitely be considered ugly. Remember those loud shirts with bright floral prints that were worn with those masterpieces of style, the leisure suit ? Okay, picture a burnt orange background with yellow and green poppy-looking flowers....You getting that indelible image in your mind's eye? Now picture a forest green leisure suit with the large collar of said shirt positioned over the lapels.
....What can I say? It was that magical Disco Era. They say that styles eventually come back, but I seriously doubt that we'll ever see anyone, especially myself, wearing those shirts and suits again.
Without further adieu, let the fashion show begin! Decisions, decisions ... Which shirt(s) should I choose ? (Click on each shirt for a larger image.)
Thanks again, Monty!
Friday, June 23, 2006
I found myself spellbound by the optical illusion above. I received it in an e-mail from my brother-in-law today.
....It doesn't fit any particular theme of anything I would normally post, and rather than leave it by itself on a post, I have added an embarrassing anecdote.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
(The following appeared in a recent Readers Digest.)
Where are you?
Insurance Hotline analyzed accidents and traffic tickets of 100,000 drivers by astrological sign. From the top down, the worst to best:
Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
~~Traits: Indecisive; craves consensus; flirtatious
~~~Car Karma: Lacks ability to make the snap decisions necessary to avoid a crash.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
~~Traits: Stubborn; rebellious; unconventional
~~~Car Karma: Ignores the rules of the road, especially the speed limits.
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
~~Traits: Risk-taker; impulsive; childlike
~~~Car Karma: Wants to race you off the line when the light turns green.
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
~~Traits: Daydreamer; theatrical; vulnerable
~~~Car Karma: Doesn't pay attention; prone to road rage and fishtailing.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
~~Traits: Vengeful; possessive; strong-willed
~~~Car Karma: MIght chase you if you cut in front of them in "their" lane.
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
~~Traits: Cautious; deliberate; stubborn
~~~Car Karma: Has an urge to charge at red lights; fails to yield.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
~~Traits: Talkative; independent; traveler
~~~Car Karma: Argues with police; extreme driving; talking on cell phone at the wheel.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
~~Traits: Goal-oriented; designing; traditional
~~~Car Karma: So focused on the destination they ignore speed limits and traffic signs along the way.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
~~Traits: Analytical; skeptical; timid
~~~Car Karma: Focuses on minor details (the squirrel) - instead of the big picture (the speed trap)
Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
~~Traits: Moody; nurturing; family-oriented
~~~Car Karma: Considers other drivers an "extended family"; maneuvers car quickly.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 21)
~~Traits: Alert; adaptable; curious
~~~Car Karma: Need for mental stimulation helps them spot changing traffic patterns.
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
~~Traits: Generous; egotistical; optimistic
~~~Car Karma: Strives to be a "star" driver and be respected for it.
See Rat Fink up there? That's me, and I'm an Aquarius. Unconventional?
....So what kind of Zodiac Driver are you?
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
The Devil made me do it!
What the Devil's up lately? Two weeks ago the date was 06/06/06. Why, I don't Know, but they are releasing a remake of The Omen.
Do we really need to see that little son of a bitch Damien again? (Remember, his mama was a Rottweiler!)
Why the fixation on this subject, you ask? Since I began blogging back in January of '05, I have managed to put up more than a handful of posts. In fact, this is post No.666!
There was no pitchfork poking me in the ass though. A few times I had a hell of a time coming up with an idea to post. I probably assured myself a seat there if some of my posts are to be judged. Who knows, it might be this one.
Our roles on this earth and in this life include among other things, earning money to provide for ourselves and our loved ones. I came across some interesting numbers that gives me cause to question the value of money while we are alive. Consider the fact that there are dead people who are still making more money than most of us ever will in our entire lives. Need convincing? For your contemplation, I give you the following list:
Since his death, Elvis Presley has made approximately $45 million. Peanuts is still throwing $35 million into Charles Schultz's coffers. John Lennon has raked in $22 million. Other money-making dead include: Andy Warhol - $16 million; Dr. Seuss - $10 million; Marlon Brando - $9 million; Marilyn Monroe - $8 million; J.R.R. Tolkien - $8 million, just to name a few.
....They aren't getting up early, working up a sweat, or putting up with crap from asshole bosses, and yet their annual interest would make my life much more comfortable.
Of course, they couldn't take with them, but they took care of somebody they left behind. (Through some oversight, I'm sure, they seemed to have forgotten me in their wills.)
Interesting - I have been snacking while I've been composing this masterpiece and you probably wouldn't guess what I am spreading on saltine crackers - none other than spreadable 'Helluva Good Cheese."
It's a shame I can't come up with a helluva good post. I suppose I could always throw in some graphics, but what in the hell sort of theme could I use for them to tie in with this post?
Did you hear that UPS made a helluva of a mess with some deliveries at a mall recently? It seems there was a new delivery man on the route. He was instructed by his supervisor to make an early morning drop-off to several stores in the mall. If the stores were not yet open, he was told to stack the packages in front of the shops' entrances.
....Later that day, the dispatcher at UPS received a call from one of the stores. He informed the UPS worker on the phone that a stack of thirty-five packages were not for his business.
....Insuring the shop owner the problem would be taken care of, he asked the man, "In order for us to locate them and get the packages to where they belong, what is the name of your store?"
....The voice on the phone answered, "This End Up."
Like a lot of the country, New England has been hot as hell since Sunday. We put the air conditioners in the windows of our house on Saturday, just in time for the inferno forecast for the weekend. It's a hell of a coincidence that when a project like that needs to be done, everyone seems to busy that day. (It was indeed a coincidence that I was working late when my son-in-law installed them.)
Well, it's geting late. I'd better get the hell off this computer and get some shut eye. I have to get up in the morning and go to work, unlike the aforementioned dead.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
It never failed, every time Batman saw a bat symbol, there was another emergency.
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise?" The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!
Grandpa the Nudist
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
The Rules Of Bedroom Golf
1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.
12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine
14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.
15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
Monday, June 19, 2006
We have been influenced through our lives by the adages and proverbs of those who came before us. These were handed down to us by many wise men and women.
....I once thought they were good ideals for us to practice. That is until I became aware that there are some conflicting sayings. ....You and I know them, but we obviously never paired them up with other saws.
We are all familiar with "Beware of Greeks bearing gifts." It is a reference to the story of the Trojan Horse and the Greek soldiers hiding in it. Consider an adage that seems to be the antithesis of it: "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth."
....Think I'm being picayune? You surely didn't think I'd only bring this to the table with only one example. How about this one? "The more, the merrier," which is contradicted by "Two's company, three's a crowd."
....Here's a well known one: "The bigger, the better." Is this true? Or maybe "The best things come in small packages."
....Remember this one? "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." Maybe it's not so: "Better safe than sorry."
....I'll bet you too believe that "The pen is mightier than the sword." Then again, "Actions speak louder than words."
....Are you always on time? "The early bird gets the worm." Or do you like to sleep in? "Better late than never."
...."Absence makes the heart grow fonder." I'm sure we've all been separated from a loved one at one time or another, but there are times that this applies too: "Out of sight, out of mind."
For your contemplation, here are a few more:
Knowledge is power. ~ Ignorance is bliss.
Look before you leap. ~ He who hesitates is lost.
A silent man is a wise one. ~ A man without words is a man without thoughts.
Clothes make the man. ~ Don't judge a book by its cover.
Money talks. ~ Talk is cheap.
The only thing constant is change. ~ The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Two heads are better than one. ~ If you want something done right, do it yourself.
Many hands make light work. ~ Too many cooks spoil the broth.
What will be, will be. ~ Life is what you make it.
Cross your bridges when you come to them. ~ Forewarned is forearmed.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander. ~ One man's meat is another man's poison.
With age comes wisdom. ~ Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings.
Parting is such sweet sorrow. ~ Time to end this post.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
You'll love this one, even if you didn't know Abbott and Costello! You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's On First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT...
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left.It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later...)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".
This is not original, but it's something I wish I'd written. I don't know where it originated, it was received in an e-mail back in November of last year. I decided it was time to use it or lose it.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
I am Master Pooh, head of the Charlatan Temple, which is famous for tlaining losers in the disciplines of the Martial Arts.
....This is the story of one of my gleatest students, Walking Kane. I taught him seclets of Jiu Shitzu, Hai Karate and Low Karate. He was a glood learner and also mastered seclet arts of Tutti-Frutti, Tutu, Judon't, and Dung Doo.
....He was vely quick to learn how to fight in small apartments when I schlooled him in Tai Con Do. However, he became true Charlatan Pliest only when he mastered Kung Phooey.
....He is only student who learned to walk acloss of the loom of glasses filled with champagne, without falling or bleaking a glass, and he accomplished feat without spilling a drop. Flom that day on I called him "Glasshopper."
....To earn his first weekend pass, he had to survive test I call 'Board of Education.' He passed test without getting a single splinter. It was first time that he draw sawdust in heat of battle.
....Before Glasshopper allowed to go to town, I first warned him of the dangers there. Because of his silly haircut and Charlatan robes, people there know he is loser trying to be Pliest. I tell him 'splecially watch out for brothels. Not good for Pliest to get clabs. Man no good in battle if he must stop fighting to sclatch balls.
....Glasshopper have more than one hard head it turn out. So he placticed art of Kung Nookie Do all night long. He get into trouble when one man saw he was wearing pair of Charlatan Pliest butt clack boxers under his robes. It seems man get wrong idea about young Kane. He think he like Pu Pu Can Do. Glasshopper not like it. He later said, "Kane's Pu Pu for outplut only. No input can do!" Master Pooh laughed when Kane make butt clack joke.
....Pletty soon a pletty nasty fight bloke out. Many men were there to visit plostitutes and they get mad that girls like Kane. They told men they plefer man who plactice Long Dong Fu like Energizer Bunny, he keep going and going. Plostitutes say other men more like stuffed labbits in bedloom.
....Men not know Martial Arts and not very blave, so they called for man who Kalate champion to challenge Kane. He charged at Kane and scleamed like banshee taking clap and who wear jock stlap too tight. Like Indiana Jones who shoot warrior with swords in Pooh's favolite movie, Kane act bored and laise foot. Kalate champ meet Kane's barefoot in gloin. Kalate champ lose.
....Pliests at Charlatan Temple eat from own garden. One day pliests notice that lot of clops like lice and gleens missing. Pliests decide to guard garden to plotect food. Each night, Pliests take turns to watch clops.
....It was night when Kane's turn, he become Master Walking Kane. That night he catch clop clook led-handed. To his suplise, thief is big overglown lodent of worst kind. Thief was member of Samulai Labbits. Not only these labbits know Martial Arts, they have lazor-sharp teeth.
....Light away labbit leady to plactice fighting skills. Pletty soon two of them leally going at it. Labbit get first hit with a labbit punch to Kane's gloin. There was no flies on Kane unless they pay lent first. Kane learn lesson well when he fought Kalate champion. After that fight he made self steel jock stlap. So when labbit land labbit punch to Kane's gloin, labbit get sore fist.
....Labbit pletty quick and decide to use teeth. Before Kane can move away, labbit bite leal hard Kanes gloin. Much to chaglin of Samulai labbit, bite only bloke lazor-sharp teeth. Labbit had to give up and was last seen lunning away. Labbit never come back and Pliest's clops of lice and gleens was plotected.
Glasshopper leave temple soon after. He said he was going to Amelica. I asked if he seek long lost blother. He said he had no blother. He said he not sure mother have any childlen that lived. While Pooh sclatch his head for meaning of Kane's words he packed belongings in fanny pack. He then tell me he is going to Amelica to find Hollywood ploducer to make TV show about Charlatan Pliest who get into trouble each week. He said story end each week after Kane kicks dumb cowboy's clotch.