Ea$y (In)come Ea$y (Out)Go

I was suspicious when it came to the new redesigned money. I'm not the only one who thought it looked like Monopoly money. Then my suspicions were justified when I used one of the new $100 Federal Reserve Notes to buy some gasoline. This is what I got back for change! (It sure seemed like it!)
....Sheesh! I might as well have landed on Park Place with a hotel! These days you need to hire a Brinks truck to accompany you to the gas pumps. What a bunch of crap they taught us in Economics! (When I think back on all that crap I learned in high school, It's a wonder I can think at all. - Paul Simon)

....Remember the "law of supply and demand," folks? If I remember correctly, it stated that when the demand goes up, the price goes down. For your consideration, I submit gasoline to debunk that law. Of course, my statement is debunked instead; for when when the demand exceeds the supply, the price rises.
....I know that the world's supply of oil is finite, but so is the supply of cash in my wallet! Have you ever noticed that "live" rhymes with "give" and "sieve?"
....There is one phenomenon that I find to be a bitter pill to swallow. When the price per barrel of oil is increased at say 2 PM EST, the price is "adjusted" at the gas stations by 2:05 PM. Yet, when the price per barrel of oil decreases, it takes two weeks before it is reflected at the domestic gas pumps. Meanwhile, and this is the kicker, the stations' gas already in the ground was purchased at still another price the week before! Is there, or is there not something wrong with this picture?

Ah, but herein lies the rub. Oil is the world's life blood. At one time we were led to believe that our country's wealth was backed by the gold in Fort Knox. Then supposedly they changed the standard from gold to silver.
....Oh, really? I beg to differ! The way I see it, our economy is backed by two sources. One of these is the National Bank of Mobil-Exxon. The other is the wholly owned subsidiary of said bank, OPEC, which is the acronym for Oil Profiteering and Extortion Countries.
....To understand the structure of these entities, we need go no further than to identify who is in charge of the whole shebang. The former is controlled by the Bungling Usurpers and Shit Heads. Perhaps you are more familiar with them by their acronym: BUSH !
....OPEC, on the other hand falls under the auspices of a group of camel jockeys wearing Depends on their heads. I'm sure you can now see the correlation between the two groups.

I don't envy those who drive those super-sized gas guzzling SUVs. Dwarfed by them in my small 4-cylinder Sonoma pickup, I'll just tighten my belt when the gas station attendant grabs me by the ankles and shakes $25 out of my pockets.
....Fortunately, I had a coupon for 10 cents off per gallon. The single dollar the attendant begrudgingly handed me wouldn't even buy a cup of coffee at a non-gourmet coffee shop. But it was mine, all mine!

After gassing up, I made a stop at a nearby supermarkup supermarket for a couple of necessities for the house. What? $4.50 for a gallon of milk!! Since when do OPEC and BUSH have their sticky fingers on the Dairy Industry?
....Oils well that ends well?

Note: For the last two days I have been unable to open the comments sections of many Blogs - including my own - except for those who use Haloscan. There seems to be a problem with Blogger? (Is it possible?)
....I did discover that I could read the comments left on my Blog, but only by accessing them from the post manager of the Blogger dashboard.
....This will explain why I might have been a lurker at any of your sites and not left a comment. Also, if others are experiencing the same problem, at least they do have a way to view the comments left them.

No.882

Wetters to the Pwesident

One day in the near future:

We interrupt this coverage of the Democratic Convention for an important message from the President of the United States, George W. Bush. This segment of Mr. Bush's Neighborhood is being sponsored by his good friends at Mobil-Exxon.

My felwow Amewicans and Wepubwicans, I'm sure you were disgusted that evewy station was showing those Democwats twying to pick the wight man to wun against my bwother Jeb as the next Pwesident.
....Yes, it wooks wike Hilwawey is going to be their man. Ha-ha-ha! Isn't that funny? Well, it's funny in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood! I find it funny because she isn't much of a wady anyway.
....Did you know that the Democwatic party has been weceiving thousands of wetters evewy day to wet Mrs. Cwinton wun for the White House? It's twue! My sources have wearned that Bill Cwinton sent evewy one of them!
....I ask you, do we weally want a man as a first wady? That just isn't wight! You think Hilwawey has ugwy fat ankles and calves? We don't need to see him in a dwess, do we? I guess she thinks it might make her wook better. Ha-ha-ha! Well, it's funny in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood!
....Before I continue, I would like to thank my speech witer, Bawbwa Walters, for witing a speech with little words that I can pwonounce. She took a wittle time off from kicking Wosie O'Donnel's fat butt. I gotta give her a wot of cwedit there, cause I wouldn't know where to start. That fat bwoad's all ass! Ha-ha-ha! Well, here in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood, we find that vewy funny!

I have weceived a few wetters fwom some school childwen adwessed to Mr. Bush's Neighborhood. I would wike to wead a few of them to all of Amewica. I hope some of those mean old Democwats are watching, because they might wearn something about Pwesidenting.
....Our first wetter says: Dear Mr. Bush, how come you still have not found all those Weapons of Mass Destwuction? My momma says there never was any?
....Let's see, that's from ... uh ... Jenna Bush? My, my somebody's gonna get a whooping!
....Ahem ... Well, that is not funny in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood!
....I'll have you Amewicans know we did in fact find those Weapons of Mass Destwuction! If you'll wook on the Jumbo-Twon behind me you'll see that we have them under contwol in the BWA! That's a Big Weapons Armory.
Ha-ha-ha! Now that's funny even if you aren't in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood.

Okay! Wet's see what our next wetter says: Dear Mr. Pwesident, We all know how you were an absentee member of the National Guard, when are you going to come cwean and admit that you didn't attend your Hooked On Phonics cwasses?
....I think that any kid who asks such hard-hitting questions should be hit vewy, vewy hard! We don't find that vewy funny here in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood either. Oh, the child has more to say: P.S. My momma says you are a dumb ass! If Jenna can send a wetter, so can I. - Barbara
....Waura! Waura! Who's side you on, anyway? Bewieve me when I tell you, that is not funny in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood!

I think Waura needs to pwactice what she pweaches in her watest book.

Well, wet's see if we have another wetter. Ah yes, but first I'm gonna see who it's from first. Wet me say this, you have don't have to get up vewy earwy to twick me. How about that? The next wetter is from Mrs. Cwinton herself!
....She wites: Dear Dumbya, As you know, I am wunning for your office for 2008. I'll be wearing the pants in the White House soon. What do you think of that, you wying Wepubwican woser? -Signed Hilwawey Cwinton.
....Well Mrs. Cwinton, your wetter is not appweciated in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood! But I have an answer for you. If you get ewected as Pwesident, I'm gonna send your first wadie, Bill, a year's suppwhy of Cuban cigars. You won't find the time to wear your pants! Ha-ha-ha! Now that's the kind of humor that's funny in Mr. Bush's Neighborhood!

Amewica, if you will pwease excuse me, I have to go so I can continue my war on terrorism. I will fight for twuth, justice and the Amewican way. Up! Up! And way beyond the wimits of my powers.

....And who disguised as a manic mannered President ...

No.881

The Clintons Are Coming!

The word is out! It is official. Hillary Rodham Clinton has thrown her hatbox into the ring!
....Let the fun begin! Sure, the elections for 2008 are almost two years away, but look at how much time we have to dust off all the old Bill and Hillary jokes while we are waiting for the new ones that are sure to come!
....She will be the most watched, most photographed, most written about, most editorialized, most lampooned, most hated and most admired candidate to come down the pike in a long time. Hell, if she has been able to survive a marriage to William Jefferson Clinton, she should be up to the task to weather the maelstrom of press exposure she's going to have to endure.
....Remember, there has been a precedent of sorts. Where did anyone find the intestinal fortitude to hand George W. Bush the keys to the Oval Office? After keeping our meals down at the sight of George Herbert and Barbara Bush in the White House, it was clear to all level-headed thinkers that no one would vote for any offspring of that gruesome twosome. Apparently, the level-headed voters stayed away from the polls. History just might repeat itself!
....I don't know if the world is ready for a female President of the United States, but I'm certain that one day there will be one. I'm just not sure that Hillary will be THE one!

I have stated here in the past that I usually avoid political matters. However, there is one caveat: I don't avoid such matters if there are some good jokes involved. This is a humor Blog.

Hillary Clinton vs. God

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
...."Al, what do you believe in?"
....Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
....God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
....Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
....God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
...."I believe you're in my chair."

One Day On The Links

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to tee up when he hears, "Ribbit! 9 Iron."
....The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit! 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
....Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
....The frog replies, "Ribbit! Lucky frog."
....The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit! 3 wood."
....The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life.
....He asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit! Las Vegas."
....They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit! Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit! $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
....Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
....The frog replies, "Ribbit! Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

I don't necessarily believe in Bush's war in Iraq, but I whole-heartedly support our troops over there. Here's a little humor for our boys.

Camel Sex

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Iraqi desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
....He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
....The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges". That's why we have Molly The Camel."
....The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about "urges", so the camel can stay."
....About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
...."No not really, sir... they usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

Finally, on the serious side, you can send your well wishes to our troops over there defending our freedoms. The following linked site has cards drawn by children that you can send to the troops. There is list of greetings to choose from that will accompany the card you select. All that is required is to fill in the blanks with only your name, city and state.
....If you want to show your support visit Let's Say Thanks! Send several. I sent one of each of them.

No.880

Bible School Test

(I've had this sitting in my draft files for so long, I can't remember where or when I found it. To whomever sent it to me or to from whomever I stole it, thank you.)

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING*. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!

IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED NOR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRACLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRACLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. HE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

* (Serena Joy could cull from the above a few good words for her daily Twisted Linguistics feature. She's been a little under the weather, so why not pay her a visit and wish her well. Bring some saltines, she might not have any left.)

No.879

The Other Side of the Screen

Have you ever felt like you were in a fish bowl looking out?

Maybe you've had the feeling that you were in a Petrie dish looking through the wrong end of a microscope.

Perhaps, like me, you've come to the realization that your life is nothing more than a screen-saver.

(Raps knuckles against monitor screen.)

Hello? Hell-ooooo? Anybody out there?

(*sigh*) - I guess not. It's a Saturday night! I suppose people do have a life. I've heard rumors that there are things to do away from the computer. Who knew? Who knew it was true?
....I always thought such things were old wives tales or stories told around a campfire. I'd brushed such ideas away like those stories of urban legends.

There has to be someone out there! (Knock-knock!) Maybe if I put my face up against the screen ... Maybe I can see someone ... Maybe they'll see me.

Hello? Can you see me? I'm right here! Aw, come on. Anybody? Talk to me!

Wait! I see someone! A woman! OMG! Sh-she's naked! Would you look at the size of those ... Hey! I know her. I've seen her HNT pics. Yum-yum! Lucky me ... I get to see her FNT on a Saturday.

Huh? She's moving her mouse ... The cursor is coming to me ... OUCH!
....Bitch! She just poked me in the eye!

NO! Don't change URLs ... Damn! Too late. She's gone. She doesn't call. She doesn't write. She doesn't leave comments. (*sigh*) That's cyber love for you ... Gone with a click of a mouse!

Uh-oh! He's coming back! Gotta run ... See ya!

Editor's note: I stepped away from my computer to have some supper. When I came back, I found the above on my screen. Honest, I don't remember typing any of that. I know I didn't. Who's been messing with my computer, anyway?
....Hmm. It isn't bad. Since I didn't have any idea of what to post tonight ... Why not? I can add a couple of pics too. Not bad, not bad.

No.878

Another Word For Synonym

George Carlin-isms:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?

12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.

31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

33. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

37. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

38. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

39. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

40. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

41. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

42. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?


George Carlin Strikes Again

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. . Does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
__A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
__B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
__C. Baptists do not recognize each Other in the liquor store or at Hooters

6. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

7. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

8. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

9. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

10. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

11. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

12. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in. . . What happens to the other penny?

13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

15. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

16. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?

17. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

18. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

19. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

20. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

21. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed.

22. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge. Would they call it Fed UP?

23. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

24. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

25. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me. . They're cramming for their final exam.

26. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

27. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

28. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

29. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

30. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

31. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

32. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

33. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

(Today was a long week! Tired! Please excuse the "borrowed" material.)

No.877

The Adventures of Hangman

Until now, not much has been revealed about the private life of Stickman, aka Hangman. Although crudely drawn, he remains one of the most recognizable figures on earth. He now lives in relative seclusion in a crudely drawn home somewhere amid the "urban scrawl."
....Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, he lives comfortably on the royalty checks he receives for his role as the original Hangman. In an exclusive interview, Hangman has agreed to tell his story to this Blogger.

Blogger: Hangman, now that you are retired, how is that you can stay home and just hang around? Excuse me, please pardon the pun.
Hangman: S'alright. I'm used to it. When you think about it, I've been hanging around all my life. Truthfully, I find it peaceful and relaxing to stay home. I no longer have any stress in my life.
Blogger: I don't think anyone ever envied your job.
Hangman: No, and no one ever stuck their neck out for me either.
Blogger: What brought you to your decision to hang 'em up, er to retire?
Hangman: Frankly, the job was a pain in the neck!
Blogger: I'm sure it was. But you stuck with it for quite a spell.
Hangman: Now there's the rub. You can't imagine how many morons played the game and couldn't spell for shit!

I pondered his last statement as he excused himself to walk his stickdog, which was aptly named Stickdog. It was true what he had said. Though he didn't elaborate, I'm sure that he realized there were those sadistic players who deliberately chose the wrong letters. It saddened me to think that some people played his game just to see him swing.

Hangman: Where was I? Ah yes, what made me decide to hang 'em up as you so succinctly put it? Think of it in this way, that noose constantly tightening around my neck put an awful strain on my voice box. It sometimes took a whole weekend before I could talk again.
Blogger: I never thought of that. It must have put quite a lump in your throat every time a wrong letter was submitted.
Hangman: Ahem! Yes. But that wasn't what brought me to the end of my rope.
Blogger: Please continue. I think this is going to be noose-worthy.
Hangman: It happened when I saw a movie starring my favorite actor.
Blogger: Let me guess, ah .. Stretch Cunningham?
Hangman: Who?
Blogger: He was a friend of Archie Bunker...
Hangman: No! My favorite actor was Clint Eastwood.
Blogger: Oh yes. That movie where he played a drunk country singer? Bronco Billy! To tell you the truth, I wanted to hang myself when I heard him trying to sing. He was bad enough in Paint Your Wagon.
Hangman: Nope. It was Hang 'Em High!

He stood up, grabbed a hat and began to cut the rug with some moves that Fred Astaire would have envied. Actually he was quite nimble.

Hangman: So I decided I would try my luck as a song and dance man. Alas, there wasn't much interest in a dancing stickman.
Blogger: I don't suppose there would be in this neck of the woods.
Hangman: Uh .. right. I'm hoping that one day Bogdonovich or Spike Lee will make a full length feature based on the song, Pictures of Matchstick Men. It would be a role tailor-made for me.
Blogger: Didn't you star an a short subject film that won an award at Cannes?
Hangman: Yes. It was a childrens' instructional short on Hopscotch.
Blogger: It was a cute and funny role. So, have you been up to your neck with any other projects?
Hangman: I have been reading several scripts. One in particular stands out. It's for a cameo appearance in Tim Burton's next sequel to "The Corpse Bride."
Blogger: I see. I guess there aren't many roles for Stick Figures are there?
Hangman: Well, there is an upcoming Broadway play, "Sticks and Stones."
Blogger: Now that would be a sweet role to hang your hat on!
Hangman: It could be the role of a lifetime.
Blogger: No other possibilities?
Hangman: Well, I am scheduled for an audition next week.
Blogger: Really? Can you tell us about it? Or is it a sticky subject until there is an official announcement?
Hangman: All I can tell you is that I would be costarring with none other than Smokey the Bear!
Blogger: Interesting! What is it, a fire prevention public message?
Hangman: Well, sort of. I will tell you that I could be on camera for my very first love making scene! Let me tell you, I understand it's a very hot scene.

Blogger: Excellent! So you'll get to stick it to some actress.
Hangman: Definitely. You might say the characters rub some sticks together.
Blogger: Let's wrap up this interview, Hangman. Why don't you tell your fans out there what you do in your leisure time. What do you do for fun?
Hangman: I love the outdoors. So I have taken up fishing.











Blogger: There you have it folks. Hangman is alive and well.

No.876

The State of Your Union

I found it interesting that President Bush didn't utter the actual words "State of the Union," until he end of his speech last night. Perhaps that fact spoke volumes in and of itself. In a guarded manner, he may have acquiesced that the country isn't in such great shape. Yet, through it all, there remained that stubborn arrogance that his plan was still the best plan.
....(The two-faces of Dubya is displayed in the morphing picture at the right. This pic was "harvested" from Hoss.)

As a rule, I usually avoid matters politic. However, working with the elderly, a very valuable resource I have tapped into on several occasions, I am often privvy to their views on such matters.
....Today was no exception. When I walked into the main lobby of the senior housing building, a discussion was already in progress regarding the speech. There were the usual suspects, a group of men and women who all lived on the East wing of the building, espousing their interpretations of Bush's words. I have a private epithet for that particular group, the Eastern Bloc.
....This was not my first interaction with this bunch. The last time was documented in this post. On that day I had ruffled the feathers of one lady who believed in prestidigitation, you know, the belief that every event in your life has been written down in God's "daily planner." It seems that she wasn't happy to be corrected when I suggested that the correct word was predestination."
....I will admit that I did rub a little salt in her wounded pride that day, much to the delight of the others present.

....From the glare in her eye this day, she remembered me all too well. She addressed me, "What did you think of the President's speech last night?"
....I don't know if she was setting me up or not, but I decided to fire the first shot, "He gave a speech last night?"
....The poor old gal was crushed. She was expecting me to parry with her. She probably had a speech of her own prepared for this confrontation. She was the sole Bush supporter in the group, and all she wanted was a chance to defend him. Well, I thought that even though she had baited the line, I wasn't going to nibble. Hell, I decided to grab the bait, hook, line and sinker and run with it! (Little did she know, the fish was on the other end of the line!)
...."Sonny, you're telling me you didn't watch his State of the Union speech?"

Those little characters, the Devil and the Angel, had appeared and were hovering above each of my shoulders. One poke with that trident, the Angel was gone in a poof of smoke.
...."Look, I don't care about the state of his union. What he and Laura do in the bedroom is none of my concern," the Devil made me say.
....While the others began to laugh, a look of shock was on her face. She was speechless for several moments. Then Agnes elbowed her husband seated next to her and said, "The state of our unions haven't been too good, have they Harold?" Harold blushed and shifted a bit in his seat but said nothing. She looked up at everyone and said, "The last time the damned fool fell asleep while he was on top of me. How's that for a sad state of a union?"

To Harold's embarrassment and the Bush-lady's chagrin, a chorus of laughs rang out. The audience had grown with the arrival of four more residents. Apparently the word had spread that the discussion of the President's speech in the lobby had turned into a comedy routine.
....It wasn't my plan for my remarks to venture into the privacy of these seniors' conjugal secrets. I figured it was a perfect moment to shift gears and change the topic to one I had planned originally. You see, I was anticipating this confrontation ever since our last bout.

I spoke up and directed my remark to my 'sparring partner,' who was seething by then. "All I can say is that Bush will go down as a better President than the next one!"
....My words must have intrigued her. She asked, "Next President? And who will that be?"
....I didn't bat an eye, "Hillary Clinton!"
....I swear I didn't think the lady could move so fast. She bolted upright and steadied herself on her walker and then shook her fist. "That bitch? The next President? Ha! She couldn't keep that whore monger husband of hers in line! What makes you think she can run the country?"
....Like I said, I was prepared for that meeting. "Well, for one thing she'll be good for the economy. The employment figures will rise."
....She was fit to be tied. "She wanted to take away our health plans! How in the world can you believe she'll help the economy?"
...."Just think," I said and I purposely paused for dramatic effect, "Just think of all the comedy writers, and stand up comedians, and cartoonists, especially editorial cartoonists that will find truckloads of material every day if she were the President. Oh, and don't forget the ... First Gentleman, Bill."
....There, I had done it. I had knocked down the hornets nest. That little Devil, however, was poking me to keep at it. "I know the perfect Vice President who could run with her. What do think of Rosie O'Donnell? She could be the female Dick Cheney. He shoots guns. She shoots off her mouth."

As she guided her walker away toward the elevators she was shaking her head and mumbling something unintelligible. As was the case at our last battle of wits, I stood as the victor and received the accolades of the still laughing seniors who remained.
....Something tells me that in the next meeting on the battlefield, she will be armed to kill. I will have to stay on my toes and be ready for anything.

I am reminded of a relevant joke:

"A man finds an old lamp partially buried in the sand on a beach. When he rubs the sand from it there is a sudden puff of smoke. Before him, hovering in the smoke was a genie who showed his gratitude for being released by granting the man three wishes.
....The man thought for a moment and asked if he could combine the three wishes into one wish with three parts. While it was an usual request, the genie agreed.
....The man said, "I want to spend the weekend in a luxurious hotel suite and sleep with three famous women who will do everything I ask."
...."It is done," said the genie.
....Before he could blink an eye he was standing in a posh hotel suite. There lying naked on the bed were the three famous women the genie had provided. There were Elizabeth Taylor, Lorena Bobbet and Hillary Clinton. He shrugged thinking they weren't who he would have chosen, but he decided to make the best of it.
....On the last hour of the weekend he awakened to not only find himself alone, but he had lost his house, his penis had been cut off, and he no longer had a health plan.

So, my friends, what is the State of Your Union?

No.875

Calling All Smurfs

How did we survive before cell phones?

Today I left the house for work but forgot my cell phone! While I didn't mind not receiving any calls, I did reach for the missing phone several times to place some calls.
....I won't say I was frantic, but the blasted thing has become such an integral part of me and of my typical daily routines. To say the least, as the day went on, I found myself feeling stressed and distracted.

I was one the last holdouts to finally get a cell phone. I never felt they were practical. I never needed one before. Why I should I suddenly become dependent on one? Besides, I was reachable. I had a pager.

When my day's work was finally done, it somehow felt much longer than only eight hours. On the way home, there was an involuntary reflex on my part to reach for the phone. I needed to call home to see if I should pick up some milk or a loaf of bread. Alas, no phone.
....I had just stepped through the door when I was greeted by my wife, "Didn't you get the milk and bread?"

Thus, I had to act out the scenario that answers the question of the opening line. I had to go back out to get milk and a loaf of bread.

Inasmuch, the real question isn't how did we survive before cell phones, but rather, how can we survive now without them ?

If you'll excuse me, I have 10 voice mail messages I have to check.

What the Smurf?

Remember those little blue characters that lived in those mushroom houses? If you're in your thirties, you must have watched The Smurfs cartoons on Saturday mornings.
....Did you ever wonder ..."Hmm, all those males and only one female?" Smurfette could have named her price and been one rich and successful girl if she so chose.
....I wanted to get the skinny on Ms Smurfette. What was the attraction anyway? After all she would never to be able to get a job at Hooters, if you get my drift. I'll bet she wasn't even a real blonde!
....I don't know if they are still on television or not, but I thought I'd look up one those little guys. I thought a little tete-a-tete might clear up a few things. Did he ever smurf her? Did she give good smurf?

Well, I finally found one of the little fellows! Where else, but at Hooters. Unfortunately he was too busy to chat. So, I thought I'd belly up to the bar, er bra.
....Wouldn't you know it? That selfish little blue bastard wouldn't share!
....I said, "There's plenty to go around."
....He came up for air and replied, "I'm saving it for a friend. He'll be here soon. Go find your own!"
....Well, suffice it to say, I've been thrown out of worse places!

As I walked away, I did have an interesting thought. If the Smurfs are running around crawling into women's bodices, you don't suppose Smurfette is out there somewhere crawling up mens' pants legs?
....Just wondering.

No.874

Eye of the Beholder

Snow...
Snow? SNOW? SNOW!!

It's the 22nd of January, for crying out loud! What's going on with this weather? This is Boston - New England - what's with the snow, anyway?

I'm being facetious, naturally. In any of the past winters this "snow" would have merited scarcely a few ho-hum yawns. While this is the first appreciable snow so far this winter, it will elevate the total accumulation to about six-tenths of an inch. It is ironic beyond belief that the city of Los Angeles, California, has had more snow than Boston.

The cartoon above and to the right has nothing whatsoever to with with snow, obviously. Having said that, it is indicative of the reaction displayed by a lot of the local residents. There were mobs of mothers laying siege upon the local supermarkets. There were vehicles queued at the gas stations. Phalanxes of people were stretched onto the sidewalks outside the banks.
....Despite the meteorologists' forecast of anything from a trace to a dusting, there are those who suffer still from the Blizzard of '78 Syndrome. The effects of that stormed crippled the region for the better part of a week. Public transportation ground to a halt. The infrastructure of many towns was paralyzed. The shelves were empty in the stores. Cars were abandoned, buried in snow on the major roads and streets.

As I watched the snow falling, I noted that it was actually painting a pretty picture on the lawns, hedges and rooftops. However, it was clear, at least to me, that this snow was not going to amount to much.

Then some of the things I saw made me wonder if perhaps I needed to have an eye exam. It has been awhile since I last had my eyes checked. As I've grown older, time has purloined more and more of my vision with each passing year.
....The last time I gazed upon one of those eye charts, I couldn't read the last three lines. I would be both chagrined and saddened if I had to read an eye chart like the one at the left and couldn't see beyond the fourth line. (Guys, clicking on the chart to enlarge it does little or no good.)
....I would hope that the opt-whatever-he-is would be so kind as to allow me to walk up to the chart after the examination, don my magnifier reading glasses, and then study the last few lines! If he's going to make money fitting me with glasses, the least he could do would be to let me exercise my hormonal curiousity. No?

There were kids in snow suits lying in driveways and yards trying to make snow angels. Some were trying to make snowballs to no avail in the dry granular snow. One kid was even straddling a sled, trying to get it to slide down a small slope in his yard. No doubt, there were some disappointed kids longing to build their first snowmen of the winter.

By early evening, although the streets, lawns and parked cars had been coated in white, it must have finally become obvious even to the kids that Old Man Winter was just teasing them. En masse they went back inside their homes to partake in some more worthwhile activities, such as playing on their Play Stations, or X-Boxes, or Wii's. If it wasn't bad enough, they even had to go to school that day.

So it was, like the crowd of men gathered to watch the painter finish his provocative artistry on the billboard, things just were not what they at first appeared to be. The supposed beauty of snow is a matter of perspective. It's in the eye of the beholder.

Yes, I felt sorry for the kids who so desperately wanted snow - for about fifteen seconds! They get to romp and have fun when it snows. I get to drive from client to client all day long to earn my paycheck. All they have to worry about is whether there'll be school or not. I have to worry about driving and visibilty conditions.

Lest you think I'm a mean old grumpy Grinch-like character, I did broadcast a thought in prayer form up to Big Ernie for him to grant the kiddies their wishes. I ask him to work on the kids' parents to convince them to take a winter vacation. Take them to Denver! They can have all the snow they need! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

No.873

Quizzically Yours

Let's have a little fun with pictures in a different kind of trivia quiz. From my twisted thought processes, I have selected a group of pictures that have reminded me of: the titles of songs,TV shows, movies, etc.
....How many can you guess? (Your answers may differ from mine. Indeed some of your answers might be better than mine.)

1.) Name that C&W tune:__________?

2.) Name that oldies tune__________? (two possible answers)


3.) Name that 60's tune:__________?

4.) Name that Connie Francis tune__________?

5.) Name that TV Reality Show__________?

6.) Name that TV comedy show __________?

7.)Name that TV Game show__________?

8.) Name that TV sitcom__________? (two possible answers)

9.) Name that TV show__________?

10.) Name that movie__________?

11.) Name that horror film__________?

12.) Name that comedy movie__________? (the sequel counts too)

13.) Name that consumer product__________?

14.) Finally, name that war__________?

My answers will appear in the comments section.

No.872

A Loaded Magazine

Now at your local newsstands, the inaugural issue of Ladys Home Urinal is flying off the shelves.

The bi-monthly publication is targeted at a demographic consisting of married and co-habitating women. Finally, there is a medium that concentrates solely on the bathroom.

Surveys determined that men were only concerned with the centerpiece of most lavatories, the toilet. Accessories were not important to them; rather convenience and practicality were foremost in their assessments of the ideal facilities.

The issue is introducing the new and innovative Hubby Hopper, which the editors have predicted will turn the toilet industry upside down. (Click on the facsimile of the cover above for a larger and more detailed view.)
....This is not your mother's toilet! Features include a newly-designed multi-purpose flushing handle. Located inside the bowl, it can be manipulated for private solo pleasure as well as for its primary function of flushing. If that isn't enough to sell the ladies on this toilet, a simple twist on the handle opens a jet which emits a forceful stream of directed water through an opening in its end, making it an effective bidet.
....The lid is hermetically attached to the bowl and cannot be lifted. When the lid is closed, it can be locked to prevent your man from using your toilet. If he can't use it, then the seat will be clean and dry when the ladies need to use it. His inability to use it will also eliminate those shaken droplets that are usually found not only on the seat, the towels and the wall, but also on the floor around the perimeter of a typical toilet. (Of course, a woman will have to take other measures to insure that he doesn't opt for the other amenities such as the sink and bathtub.)

Interestingly, the magazine contains a full page advertisement for the Brief Safe. As some women like to have their own private stash of money, these new briefs offer her an amazingly simple security pocket.

These clever briefs are disguised as a dirty pair. All the lady has to do is just drop them on the floor to protect her hidden valuables. (You don't think he'll actually bother to bend down to pick them up, do you?) He won't pick up his own underwear, thus the contents in the hidden pocket are as safe as if they were in Fort Knox.

The magazine's publishers promise that there will be plenty of innovative plumbing projects to keep the men busy with all those tools gathering cobwebs in his shop. So ladies, get out there and get your copy today!
....(Men, get out there and buy up every copy you can find and build yourself a nice bonfire!)

No.871