Monday, January 15, 2007
Valentine's Day is still twenty-two days away and the stores have only had their stuff for this day on the shelves for nineteen days so far. You know what that means? It's never to early to pay tribute to the loves of your lives.
I can always tell when Valentine's Day is this close. My wife is already wearing that flannel winter nightie with an arrow pointing to the left side of the bed. Beneath the arrow is the inscription: I Sleep With Stupid.
I will make this vow now, that unlike Thanksgiving and Christmas, I will not be posting nothing but Valentines blogs from now until the 14th of February! Promise!
....Let me be one of the first (of many other firsts) to give the readers out there a Valentine.
....For those of you who fall under the blanket epithet of Baby Boomers (and older) here's a special Valentines wish for you: Senior Grease .
I just needed a topic to help me unwind and that would allow me to delve back into this Blog's normal bill of fare. While it was both fun and challenging to dabble in the suspense genre, I find it to be taxing. When one isn't used to being serious for more than five minutes at a clip, immersed in a week's worth of fiction tends to purge the mind of humorous creativity.
....Of course, I am being presumptuous thinking anything found here is funny. That also presupposes that anyone found my fiction to be serious.
....How can I send a general Valentine out there into the Blogosphere, without sending a special one to the fairest of the Bloggers, you ladies? Allow me to correct that faux pas with a male stripper . (If you embarrass easily, do not click on that link. Oops! Too late!)
....Not wishing to be accused of showing favoritism, guys I do have one for you also: a female stripper .
Just in time for a tune up before Valentine's Day. Have you ever taken the Lucky Charms Sex Test? I found this at Searchable Jokes .
Lucky Charms Sex Test
Here's a fun little Cosmo-style test for you:
Don't cheat! Before you read on . . . choose your favorite marshmallow bit from Lucky Charms from the list below . . .
Those icky oat bits
OK. Have you got one in mind? Now you can read on. And don't change it!
Amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit shape determines what you're like in bed! Yes, it's true...just take this simple test to determine your true bedroom personality:
GREEN CLOVERS: If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape is the green clover, you're a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don't take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you. You don't have any patience with depressed people and tend to sit on them until they cheer up.
BLUE DIAMONDS: If your favorite marshmallow shape is the blue diamond, your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get later. "If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?" is probably what's going through your mind. People who like blue diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails while making love.
ORANGE STARS: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves having a good time. They often moan out their own names while making love.
PINK HEARTS: If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people wearing armor.
PURPLE HORSESHOES: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swing sets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes--she's/he's likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you're not looking and who knows what could happen next?
YELLOW MOONS: If you're the yellow moon type, you're more interested in satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her/his needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish them. Keep your eyes open for anyone who eats all the purple horseshoes out of their cereal as soon as they open the box.
Those icky oat bits: The oat bits aren't marshmallows at all. If you prefer the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and don't need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees. These people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other type.
(Can I change my pick? I chose the purple horseshoes!)