Tuesday, January 16, 2007

What If ...?

What if ... they did a remake of Mary Poppins and Lindsay Lohan plays the lead role?

She would probably have a hard time with the lyrics of the some of the featured songs, don't you think? Let's listen in while she auditions:

Take 1: Mary Poppins - Song number: Spoonful of Sugar ... and action!
Director: Put your heart into it, Lindsay.
Lohan: F**k off! I know how to sing! Ahem! Mi-mi-mi!
.. A spoonful of crack helps my boyfriend go down, boy friend go down, A spoonful of crack helps my boyfriend go down ... In a most delightful way.
Director: Cut! Cut! Let's stick to the real lyrics, Lindsay.
Lohan: You want me to sing those #*%^&# dumb words? Hey! I have fans! I have an image to uphold!
Director: (...And a reputation.) Okay, let's try the next song.

Take 1: Mary Poppins - Song number: Stay Awake ... And action!
Lohan: Stay awake, don't rest your head, Don't lie down upon your bed; All those night clubs open all night! Stay awake, I won't close my eyes.
Director: Cut! Cut! Lindsay, sing the words on the teleprompter.
Lohan: Oh! Karaoke! I love karaoke!
Director: &*+#*%! Let's move to next song.

Take 1: Mary Poppins- Song numer: (This ought to be good.) Supercalofragilistixexpialidocious ... And action!
Lohan: Even though the sound of it, Is something quite rediculous, If we say it loud enough, Everyone will think we're idiots! ...Stupid old fragile pea dishes ... er .. Soup or calory plastic ... er ...

Take 2: Mary Poppins- Song Number: Supercalofragilisticexpialidocious ...And action!
Lohan: um diddle diddle the cat and the fiddle...

Take 10: ... Soup in California its expensive ... er ... shush ... ..And Action!
Director: Damn! Now I can't say the f**kin' word!

Take 132: Aw, hell. You know which one. Action!
Director: (Sigh!) Now I know how David Seville felt with those dumb chipmunks!
Lohan: Hey! Don't you be bad-mouthin' Alvin, Simon and Theodore!
Director: You know their names, but you can't get these lyrics down? Action! ACTION! ACTION!
Lohan: OKAY! ... Super Alvin ... Calvin? .. Suture gravel ...Su .. percocets drag its fishes ..

Take 487: Mary Pippins .. Poppin Fresh .. Pippi Longstockings ..Aw hell! Super .. calo..fragil..istic..expi..ali..docious..
Director: (Sigh!) And to think I could have directed the remake of Howard the Duck! .. But .. NO! I wanted to do a musical!
Lohan: Ooh! I could play the girl in that movie! I loved that movie!
Director: F**k a duck!
Lohan: Right on! I always wanted to do that!
Director: Lindsay! I swear I'm gonna come down there and kick you in the seat of the pants!
Lohan: Afraid not! He-he-he! I'm not wearing any!

For now, we close the curtain on the set of the long-awaited remake of Super Poppins ...Poopin Mary ... Never mind! At his rate, it'll never reach production anyway.

Future "What Ifs..": George Bush as Forrest Gump; Arnold Schwarzeneggar and Rosie O'Donnell in Dirty Dancing; and Bill Clinton in sex, lies and video tape.

Got any ideas for some "What Ifs.." ? Feel free to leave them in the comments. There should be some good ones out there.



Peter said...

Mike, what on earth happened to her left breast, the right one is gorgeous but aren't they supposed to come in pairs?

lime said...

that what if was just shocking......the dirty dancing image is seared into my brain...but actually make it rosie o'donnel and donald trump.....eeeeeeewwwwwwwwww

jules said...

I'm getting ready to go to work and I'll be chuckling to myself all day because of this. They'll think I'm crazy. We both know I am, but I kinda wanted to make a good impression on my first day.

Chelle said...

LOL I cannot stand Lindsay Lohan...but this was great!! I do keep wondering though, do you make this stuff up??? LOL It's awesome!

Miss Cellania said...

I just love how one cartoon will inspire you in a dozen different directions!

Hale McKay said...

And it was the cartoon that spawned this one, Miss C.

Jack K. said...

Peter, you have to use your imagination. Quit fixating on the right one. tee hee.

Hale, I do love your sense of humor and command of the f%*king language. giggle, giggle.

Marti said...

Thanks for the giggles!

Scary Monster said...

Me is thinking me would like to see Little Michael Jackson in the role of Mary Poppins and maybe Pee Wee Herman as Dirty Harry.
Ya feel lucky boys and girls? Well do ya?

Raggedy said...

Lmao..You don't need any What if help from us..hahha
The list you have there is a good start.

Have a wonderful day!
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one