Monday, February 12, 2007

Bones of Contention

The missing links? -(Pointmeister Press Intl) - Professor Jerry Mander, conducting an archaeological dig in a remote area of the Australian outback, has announced the discovery of what appears to be an advanced species of prehistoric humans.
....The skeletal remains were unearthed near the strange rock formation, Ayer's Rock, which is known as Uluru by the native Aborigines. The professor says that this amazing discovery will have anthropologists worldwide rethinking their long-standing theories on the origins of man.
....Professors Peter Holtie and Warren Wazza , experts in Australian history and cultural, have confirmed Professor Jerry Mander's findings.
....His team has painstakingly assembled the fossilized bones, and a forensic artist has created drawings to reveal what the beings looked like while alive. The Professor has released a sampling of the drawings, each labeled with the Latin name he has given them.

Animatus Flintstonus*

- From pieces of cloth and the remnants of rudimentary tools, it has been determined this species of early man was subservient. Artifacts near the body reveal that the species played what appears to have been a form of bowling. From drawings at the site, it appears that they domesticated small dinosaurs. The structure of their feet suggests they could even walk on their toes. Mander has affectionately named the specimen "Fred."

Animatus Blockheadium*

- It is believed that this hominid, sub-species Peanutium, was probably an adolescent. The artifacts found with him that appear to be a baseball, bat and glove, will debunk the notion that Abner Doubleday invented America's pass time. It would seem that "Charlie," as Mander refers to him, may have also discovered electricity. That startling theory is based upon the petrified remnants of a crude kite interred with him..

Animatus Dexterium*

-This specimen appears to have been of superior intelligence. It is conjectured that this individual was probably the first to discover fire, fashion the first practical tools, invent the wheel, and design video games. Based on what appears to be darkened glasses, this species may have had light-sensitive eyes.

Animatus Boopus Sexium*

-This was probably the alpha-female of her clan. The cranial capacity suggests she was more intelligent than Animatus Flintsonus. Based upon the number of cave paintings depicting her likeness, she was probably the stone-age version of a pinup model. The shapely body is unlike any previously discovered fossil remains of prehistoric women. This female would probably be considered pleasing to Homo Erectus and other species of modern man.

Animatus Pokemonius*

-This cat-like creature was probably a domesticated animal. It is presumed that it helped ancient man by ridding his caves and habitats of rodents and other vermin. Its large eyes and ears are indicative of it being a successful carnivore and fearsome hunter of its prey.

Animatus Infantus-Hueyus*

-Perhaps the most perplexing of the fossilized remains were those of what appeared to be a six-foot species of a duck-like creature which walked and stood upright. It is not clear whether this animal lived amicably among the hominids or if it was hunted as a food source. Perhaps the biggest mystery about the animal was the discovery next to its burial site of an artifact resembling a giant safety pin.

Animatus Wal-Martianus*

-No specimen found at the dig has caused as much of a stir as this being. It seems to verify the writings of Erik von Daniken's "The Chariots of the Gods," in which he wrote of alien visitations to prehistoric earth. "The skeletal remains are clearly not of this earth," claims Mander.

Animatus Whatsupdocus**

-The artist's rendering of this living creature was not available, but the Professor claims this creature was probably a giant rabbit-like creature. Intelligent, it surely used its wiles to survive the hunting instincts of early man, including Animatus Elmer Fuddicus (not pictured). This creature's fur would have been prized by Animatus Boopus Sexium. As in the modern world, its feet would have been used as lucky talismans.


Archaeologists all over the world are holding their collective breaths awaiting for further news to come from this excavation site in one of the most remote parts of Australia. They may have to face the fact that their long-held beliefs that man rose from a species of ape-like creatures in Africa, has been incorrect.
....It appears that the source of intelligent life on this planet was in fact spawned in the land down under, Australia. Yes folks, we're all from OZ!

*The cartoon skeletal images above and more can be found here.

**The skeletal sculpture above and more by Hyungkoo Lee can be found here. ( Click on the word "ANIMATUS.")

No.893

5 comments:

Peter said...

Professor Wazza and myself have long held the view that Australia was the birthplace of civilization and that those damned African monkeys had nothing to do with it.
It is indeed pleasing to have this theory backed up by no less an expert than Professor Jerry Mander, whose work we have been following closely for many years now.
We would also like to thank Pointmeister Press Intl for the coverage given to these important finds, it is only through such auspicious journals that the public can be made aware of these advances.
In appreciation, and with just a hint of "toldja so".
Professor Holtie.
(World respected expert on "Are we there yet.)

Duke_of_Earle said...

Wonderful stuff, Mike (as usual). Oh, and if you think YOUR wont is to leave plugs, it pales in comparison to MY recent plea for votes on that First Chapters competition. Thanks for the comments, tho!

John

Jack K. said...

I am humbled in the presence of such archaeological erudition. You have performed a great service to the rest of the world by assisting Professors Mander, Holtie and Wazza.

And to think, I can reach out and communicate with you and the eminent Professor Holtie. My life is close to complete.

Serena Joy said...

LOL! Why am I not surprised?

Top cat said...

LMAO..I don't know how you found all this stuff but this is hilarious.
Great stuff Hale.

here's the link for Astronomy pic of the day.
http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/archivepix.html