Saturday, February 24, 2007

A Rat, A Brat, and Look at That!

There's something to be said about a daily constitutional. Once upon the throne you can escape the family's crap, take a crap, and all the while be reading the crap in the newspaper!

Kentucky Fried Rat

They say you can predict the weather by watching the actions of the local fauna. Surely it must hold true that what they eat should be safe for human ingestion?
....Apparently the rat population of Manhattan knows where the elite meet to eat - KFC. There must be something about Col. Sander's original recipe that draws dozens of the rodents nightly to a Greenwich Village KFC/Taco Bell. It would seem that when the Colonel is away, the rats will play.
....Local news camera crews caught the action of the nightly rat race. Their footage, which was shot through a storefront window, shows the critters scurrying around the floor, running between counters and tables and climbing on children's high chairs.
....By mid morning on Friday the footage was all over the Internet and TV news shows, with onlookers giving a play-by-play description from the sidewalk as the rodents went about their business.
....The store has been closed by health officials and will not be allowed to reopen until it is completely sanitized and given a clean bill of health. The same location had had passed a recent December inspection, although a violation was issued for evidence of rats - rat droppings.
....(It was not stated if the rats would be held responsible to pay the bill for the food that was consumed.)

Britney Litany

Resembling a Hare Krishna reject, 25-year-old pop tart Britney Spears cried out for help again! In actions reminiscent of Don Quixote's attack on a windmill, she laid siege upon an SUV brandishing an umbrella. The vehicle belonged to her estranged husband, Kevin Federline.
....Her manager, Larry Rudolph confirmed that she had been checked into Promises Malibu drug and alcohol rehabilitation center for the third time. Perhaps the third time will a charm.
....Her father, Jamie Spears finally spoking up saying, "We're just trying to take care of her. We've got a sick little girl!"
.... (No shit, Sherlock!)

Naked in Phoenix

American Science and Engineering, Inc., is unveiling a new X-ray technology at the airport in Phoenix, Arizona. The airport will be the first in the United States to test the device that can see through people's clothes and show the body's contours with blush-inducing clarity.
....While critics say that the high-resolution images are too invasive, the Transportation Security Administration say that the equipment will be adjusted so that the pictures can be blurred in certain areas and still detect concealed weapons.
....The machine will be used only as a back-up screening measure. Passengers who fail the standard screening with a metal detector will have the option of choosing between the new device or a pat-down search.
....(I wonder how easy it is to make the clarity adjustments? How long will it before someone figures out how to transfer the images to a cell phone and ultimately to the Internet?)

This technology will excite a lot of us in the private sector. Remember those X-ray glasses we ordered from the back pages of our comic books? The ones that didn't work for shit!
....Hope springs eternal ... that before long this technology will be adaped and finally provide us with X-ray glasses - that work!

No.906

6 comments:

Serena Joy said...

Once again, you've provided an educational service. I now know to avoid:

1. KFC/Taco Bell
2. Rehab
3. Airports

I've seen the rats footage several times. Ugh! Although the little guy swinging from the plumbing pipes was kind of cute in a weird sort of way.

Peter said...

Next we will have the animal liberationists suing the news crew for invasion of the rats privacy... and winning.

Jack K. said...

X-ray glasses, a novel idea. Or you can always watch some erotic TV on cinemax.

Just a thought.

LZ Blogger said...

New York City and RATS? Go figure! ~ jb///

Raggedy said...

Great post!
My brother got those x-ray glasses from a mail order when we were kids. He was so disappointed...lol

Have a wonderful day!
*^_^
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

aka_Monty said...

I think Britney needs to figure out that rehab doesn't happen overnight.

Stupid asshat girl.
:)

And DAMMIT I always wanted some of those X-Ray glasses! And one of the machines that was supposed to crank out REAL MONEY!
And SEA MONKEYS!