Saturday, February 10, 2007

The Theory of Relative Relationships

Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage? He didn't have to hear about all the men she could've married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Love, Lust & Marriage

Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?

Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets

Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AOL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat

Making A Good Impression

Anxious to make a good impression on his first date, a young man picked up a nice bouquet of flowers.
....When the young woman greeted him at the door she exclaimed, "Flowers! For me? Oh, you are the most thoughtful, sweet, romantic, and sexy date! You must be rewarded!"
....To the young man's surprise, she removed all of her clothing, lay down on the sofa and provocatively spread her legs and said, "This for the bouquet!"
...."Really?" he said. "Are you sure a vase wouldn't be more appropriate?"


"What do you for Erectile Dysfunction?" a man asked his friend.
...."Cialis," was the friend's reply.
...."Are those pills easy to swallow?" the first man asked.
...."Oh, you must have misunderstood me," the friend said. "I sneak away from my wife and go see Alice.

Taking the Bait

A man woke up one morning to find his wife in a sheer skimpy negligee, standing by the bed with a velvet rope in her hand.
....She purred at him, "Tie me up and you can do anything you like."
....So he did. Then he went fishing.

The Price Is Right

A redneck came to the big city to visit some friends. They went to an Applebee's restaurant for dinner. One of the items on the menu caught his eye: lobster tail and beer $40.
...."Damn," he said. "My three favorite things! And $40 is such a reasonable price!"

One Lump or Two?

At the breakfast table as she poured coffee in their cups a woman grumbled to her husband, "Our new neighbor told me her husband has sex wih her everyday. Why can't you do that?"
....Without missing a beat, he answered, "Honey, I hardly know the woman."

The Sounds of Love

One night, while a young couple was parked in a popular lover's lane, the girl sighed romantically, "It's so lovely out here tonight - just listen to the crickets."
...."Those aren't crickets," her date replied. "They're zippers."

Food For Thought

Cabbage always has a heart;
Green beans string along.
You're such a cute tomato,
Will you peas to me belong?
You're the apple of my eye,
You know how much I care;
So lettuce get together,
We'd make a perfect pear.
Something's sure to turnip
To prove you can't be beet;
So, if you carrot all for me
Let's let our tulips meet.
Don't squash my hopes and dreams,
Bee my honey, dear;
Or tears will fill potato's eyes,
While sweet corn lends an ear.
I'll cauliflower shop and say,
Your dreams are parsley mine.
I'll work and share my celery,
So be my valentine.



Serena Joy said...

Great jokes today. I thought the Love/Lust/Marriage segment was SO on target. LOL.

Miss Cellania said...

Love, lust, and marriage was great! Thanks for the laughs!

jules said...

I'll be your valentine, Mikey. I might even provide the "vase". ;)

schnoodlepooh said...

I like those Love, Lust, and Marriage. Those are good. It makes me glad I live with dogs.

Jodes said...

thnks for the laugh....keith urban is a country singer from Australia and he is married to Nicole Kidman...anyway - gret singer, more rock and roll than country.

Happy Valentines to you too.

Carolyn said...

Thanks for these chuckles! I needed that ;D

Jack K. said...

I really liked the idea of making a good impression. lol