Thursday, February 15, 2007

Valentines, Birthdays and Broccoli

I have never quite figured out whether for all of these years I have been cheated out of Valentine's Day cards and gifts, or if I have been shortchanged on my birthdays.

Just whose brilliant idea was it anyway, to anoint the 14th of February, the day before my birthday, as the lovers' holiday ? I shudder to think how much love I have missed.

....That's not entirely true. I have been fortunate to have been surrounded by love my whole life. Now lovin', that's an entirely different matter! If you've heard that Jackie DeShannon song, you'll know that she sings: "What the world needs now is love." According to the lyrics, the world needs love - not lovin.'
....There is one consolation though. At least The Four Tops got it right: "Baby, I need your lovin'."

Whose fault was it anyway? It certainly wasn't mine. Hey! I was trying to get out of that womb! Sure, it was warm and cozy in there, after all it was the only room I ever had that I was never nagged at to keep clean! I have to admit though, it was getting cramped in there. It was getting quite difficult to move my arms to even scratch my ass. There was barely enough room to take care of other certain private matters too. Don't be so quick to judge, I wasn't born blind!
....My mother, God rest her soul, apparently was in no hurry to set me free. Maybe, just maybe, if she'd had just one more helping of broccoli the day before, I would have popped my bare ass out of there on the 14th. Like I said, the facilities were nice, but it wasn't equipped with an oxygen mask.
....Little wonder I came out bawling on the 15th, because it was then she must have decided to finish off the left-over broccoli - cold! Perhaps, that is why, to this day that I will not eat broccoli! I can't even stand being in the kitchen when it's being cooked.

I didn't mean to turn this post into a rant and raise a morass of negativity. (Then again, what could possibly be negative about more ass? )
....I am not really a sex-deprived male deviant as some of the text above seems to suggest. I'm a lot like a lot of the other men out there. It's that hereditary gene passed down through the eons that redirects the flow of blood from areas that would be better served.
....What else would explain why we spend so much energy trying to get back into the womb? Indeed, we can only try. If we do manage to find the door open we can only get in so far anyway.
....I reiterate, whose fault is it anyway? Who knows, if not for the want of a floret or two of broccoli, I'd have been born of Valentine's Day. I would be a different man, right? (Sigh!) Probably not!

There are the age old questions to consider. What is it that a woman looks for in a man? What is it that a man looks for in a woman?
....So I thought I'd hop on over to the trailer park and ask Uncle Ralph what he thought about those questions.
....Sure enough, not only did he have the answer, but he told me about a couple of stores that just recently opened:

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. With the instructions at the entrance:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you may not go back down except to exit.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor No. 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner has opened "The Wife Store" across the street.

Floor 1 has wives that love sex.
Floor 2 has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited..

Unfortunately, these stores weren't around when most of us got married. I did notice that there is no mention of return or exchange policies.

....Funny, but aren't these stores just metaphors for life? As for me, I think I got a pretty sweet deal with my partner of almost 35 years. I had better said that if I expect her to "accidentally" omit a candle or two on my birthday cake.



jules said...

Happy Birthday, Mikey. The pole dance is later tonight.

Peter said...

Happy Birthday you poor hard done by old fella.

Sudiegirl said...

Happy Birthday...I think I'll skip watching Jules pole dance...not enough Bacos in the world for me to see that. (Ask Jules about Bacos)


Miss Cellania said...

Happy birthday, Mike! I hope your next year is wonderful!

Raggedy said...

Happy Birthday!
My dad's was yesterday.

Serena Joy said...

Happy Birthday! It's a shame you get cheated out of the presents because of the Hallmark Day the day before. With any luck, your wife's not cooking broccoli tonight. Enjoy your cake and, um, anything else you can manage to get.:)

Vickie said...

Happy Birthday---May this next year be your best yet.

kenju said...

Belated Happy Birthday - and Valentine's Day as well! Thanks for the info on Rock Lake. It was in Spring Hill, actually, which I never could distinguish from So. Charleston anyway. I spent many an hour there (some of them after hours with a lifeguard I dated, swimming in all that whole pool alone by moonlight)

Jack K. said...

Happy Birthday!!

I suspect the woman you married has a great sense of humor.

I wish you well.

Ivy the Goober said...

Happy Birthday, even though I'm late. :)

(or WAY early for next year)