When It Says "Lager, Lager, Lager on the Label, Label, Label"

The Beer Prayer

Our Lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk)
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, the lager.
Barmen.

Warning Labels

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retarded baboon.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy

Quotes About Beer

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Babe Ruth

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Paul Hornung

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
-- H.L. Mencken

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- George Bernard Shaw

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry

Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c.
-- W.C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
-- Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." Salvation in a can!
-- Leo Durocher

Government Study

Yesterday, government scientists suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

No.941

That's the Ticket !

Spotlight!

What's good for the goose is good for the gander!

It appears that my good deed yesterday, which was posted here, was not to go unrewarded. Honestly, I felt that I had received enough attention then.

What do I find in my e-mail this evening? ( I subscribe to the station's newsletter.) I received an e-mail from the DJ informing me that I was also going to receive four tickets to an up-coming Imax feature! The e-mail also told me that the station was going to replay yesterday's "act of chivalry" during her show today.

Well, I missed the replay. The e-mail was received at 9am this morning. However, I didn't check my in-box until this evening after work.

Now I truly feel good about the whole affair. The girl and her three kids got a set of tickets and so did I. I'm thinking that maybe Spiderman 3 will released in the Imax format. If so, that's the ticket !

No.940

Kazoo! God Bless You!

This morning I was listening to the local oldies station while I was driving to one of my clients' house. I was singing along (with the windows rolled up) to the hits of my generation, the 60s. After I had struggled to hold the closing note to Jay & the Americans' "Cara Mia," the DJ announced that it was time for the days musical contest. "The prize today is four tickets to an IMax theater in the Boston area. The tickets are good for any feature in the next six months," she said.

She said that the contest was in a sense a trick question. She went on to say that she would make a statement about an artist and one of his or her recordings. "The statement may or may not be true," she said. "If you are the specified caller and you think it true, tell me that you agree. If you think it false, not only do you have to call me a liar, in a kind way of course, but you have to tell me why and you must prove me wrong with a correct statement."

My brain was already convinced that her statement was going to be false. I noticed too that she did not repeat that it was in a sense a trick question. I prepared my cell phone by punching in all but he last two digits of the station's telephone number. Knowing that other callers do the same thing, I only wanted to even the odds of getting through.

"Okay," she said, "I'll take the fifteenth caller. The statement for today is: Jimi Hendrix on his song Crosstown Traffic, is the only artist to actually use a kazoo on a record."

At about one-half second I punched in the final two numbers. The line rang once and the producer said, "You are caller number twelve. Thank you for calling and please play again tomorrow." Damn! I should have waited a full second!

Caller number fifteen was very uncertain and gave his answer in the form of a question. "Uh, is it true?"

In perfect unison with the DJ, her and I said, "WRONG!" I punched in the telephone number again and waited for the producer to answer. In the station's contests if the specified caller gives an incorrect answer, they open up the lines and take all callers in the order the calls were received. They don't tell you how many are ahead of you when they place you on hold. If someone does answer correctly, all the calls on hold are unceremoniously disconnected.

As I listened I was shocked that five callers said, "True." Weren't they listening? If not, why did they bother calling in the first place? In school, if you didn't know the answer to a teacher's question, did you hold your hand up anyway?

I felt sorry for the next caller. The woman, Linda from Dorchester, said she had three young kids and they all have dying to see a movie at the IMax theater. She said that money was so tight and that she couldn't afford to take her kids there. She said that the DJ was wrong. She knew that another artist, namely Dion used a kazoo on his record "Diana."

"I'm sorry," the DJ said, "You are half right, but that isn't good enough. Remember callers, I said it was a trick question. Let's hear "American Woman" by the Guess Who and then we'll take the next caller."

It startled me when the DJ's voiced blared into my ear. "Hello, you're the next caller. Can you give me the answer I'm looking for and the proof that my statement was incorrect?"

"Yes, I believe I can," I answered. "But could I make a request first?"

The DJ was taken back but said, "It's a little unusual, but sure. What is your request?"

I stammered a bit but managed to get it out, "Provided I am correct, and I am sure I am, I would like to donate the prize to that girl Linda with the three kids."

"Wow!" she exclaimed. "That's very nice of you. To all of you listening out there, chivalry is not dead. Okay Mike, what is your answer to today's contest?"

The answer I gave to the DJ, which was correct by the way, will appear below in this post.

"Congratulations! You have proved me wrong," she announced. "Mike, could you please stay on the line a little longer?" I agreed and she said, "Linda in Dorchester, if you are still listening please call in right now to claim your prize which has been so graciously donated to you and your three kids. I have kept Mike on the line so that you can thank him personally."

It took the girl only thirty seconds to call. After a brief introduction over the phone lines, Linda said, "Mike I don't know how to thank you. If I was with you, I'd give you the longest, hardest and most passionate kiss you ever had!"

I looked at the radio wide-eyed and thought, "Watch it, girl. That's how you got those three kids." After I disconnected, due to a thirty second delay, I listened to the "passionate kiss" part again before the DJ told the girl to give the necessary information to the producer so that the tickets could be mailed to her that afternoon.

The DJ then said, "I'm going to dedicate the next song to Linda's generous benefactor. Mike, here's some Mel Carter for you!" As I listened to "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me," I felt ... good!

The answer and the proof I gave the DJ? Not only was Jimi Hendrix "not" the only artist to employ a kazoo on a recording, he did "not" use an actual kazoo! Hendrix used a makeshift one - a comb and some wax paper! I also gave another song that featured a kazoo: "Johnny Get Angry" by Joanie Summers.
....Sure it was technicality, but it "was" a trick question!

No.939

Inspiration Without Perspiration

Today I found myself in dire need of some inspiration. For some reason, yesterday I was having trouble posting. I had typed up a piece on word and transferred a copy to Blogger. I saved it as a draft here while I harvested a couple of appropriate pictures to be added. That completed, I clicked "publish" only to get the message that I had an html error. When I back paged to look for the error - poof! - I was sent to the blog manager page and my piece was gone! This happened twice more! As it was late I threw up a few jokes and a pair of images and published the preceding post.

My original piece is still saved on word, but tonight I was uninspired to tackle it again. Then I found a site where you can make Motivational Posters .You load a picture, give it a title and think up a motivational thought to finish it. Simple. (Clicking on each poster will give a larger view.)

I had the following picture in my files because - I like it. It suggests reaching for your goals. That's inspirational I thought.The next one is more self-promotional than inspirational, but I figured I was inspired to create it!

Then I had the idea that these posters could be used in other ways too. Why not create cards? I could have used this one last month for Valentine's Day. For that matter, I just might use it in March for our 35th Wedding Anniversary.

Having a sudden craving for some ice cream, this one popped into my mind in a trice! There's nothing wrong with a poster that depicts the finer things in life.

It's been quite a few years since I last worked in an office environment. One thing I remember vividly are those individuals who would stop at nothing to get ahead. I'm certain that may people out there work with these individuals who can be referred to as brown nosers, apple polishers, and the more proper and fitting sobriquet of ass kissers. If this were hanging on the boss' door, I wonder if they would get the message?

I remember that Mondays were sometimes difficult to get oneself motivated. I seriously doubt that this poster would change that fact.

Of course, posters can always be used to make a political statement.

Finally, a poster can express one's opinion on matters sensitive. While I have reservations about capital punishment in general, I do think that the punishment for perverts, pedophiles and rapists should be doled out befitting their crimes.

No.938

Jokes From Earl

My buddy and sometime pinochle partner has been sending me a veritable plethora of material lately. For today, he has been nominated, seconded and elected as a guest poster.

Heavenly Fittings

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that," says St. Peter,"It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. "Oh my God," says the old lady,"now what is happening?"

Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

You can't go there,"says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken advantage of."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

------------------------------------------------

The Romantic Husband

Husband and wife in bed together.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

She: "Oh, that feels good."

His hand moves to her breast.

She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."

His hand moves to her leg.

She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."

But he stops.

She: "Why did you stop?"

He: "I found the remote."
-----------------------------------------------
Subject: Golf Lessons

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another
foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready
to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs
it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another
five feet. She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says
apologetically, "I guess all those f...ing lessons I took over
the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it,
you should have taken golf lessons instead."
----------------------------------------------------

And God Created Woman......

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Be Sure To Check Your Air Conditioner For The Summer


No.937

A Conversation With Joe

My coffee was so bitter this morning.

If you can't even have an intelligent, quiet conversation with Joe in the mornings, you're in for a long day.

Me: -Good morning, Joe!
Joe: What's so f**kin' good about it?
Me: -Whoa! Look who got up on the wrong side of the cupboard.
Joe: You don't look so hot yourself.
Me: -I just got out of bed. I look this way every morning.
Joe: Yeah? Tell me about it.
Me: -So what's your beef? I have to go to work. You? You get to stay home all day.
Joe: Easy for you to say. I get stuck in the dishwasher with a bunch of stuck up glasses.
Me: -Yes, but you get a nice hot shower.
Joe: Sure .. with a bunch of basketball jocks. I can see right through them.
Me: -Not again. So what if they're tall and you're short? I've told you..size doesn't matter!
Joe: Oh? That's not what your wife says!
Me: -Hey! Be nice.

(There is a moment of silence as a teaspoon bearing a level helping of sugar is immersed into the cup.)

Joe: Aw, geesh! Stop banging that spoon around!
Me: -Sorry, I'll stir slower.

(There is another moment of silence as cold milk is poured into the cup.)

Joe: Ouch! Don't you know what a shock that is to my insides? Cold milk and hot coffee ... What a d**khead!
Me: -Hey! Watch the language, Joe. Must you talk so dirty?
Joe: What do you want? I was just ground this morning!
Me: -(Groan!) You know I like my coffee like my women - blonde and sweet.
Joe: Is that so? Your wife's not a real blonde. What's up with that?
Me: -Would you please keep my wife out of this conversation?!
Joe: Like you're a bundle of joy to talk to in the mornings!
Me: -Look, I just want to enjoy a hot cup of coffee and read the paper.
Joe: Oh sure, fill me up with hot and cold fluids then ignore me. Screw old Joe, eh?
Me: -Joe, do the letters "F-O" mean anything to you?
Joe: Now who has the dirty mouth?

(The repartee ends for a moment as the newspaper is opened and folded to the puzzle page.)

Me: -Hmm ... A four-letter word meaning 'intercourse'...
Joe: Got any letters?
Me: -Yeah, it ends in 'k.' Wait! I got it ... talk!
Joe: Wrong! Any fool knows it's gotta be f**k!
Me: -Ahem! Joe?
Joe: Hey, it was a 50-50 chance. F**K and talk are practically he same thing anyway.
Me: -Okay, I'll bite. How are they the same?
Joe: Simple ... one you do with the hips and the other you do with the lips. In the end, you end up spitting!

(There is a sudden eruption of coffee which is spewed across the table.)

Joe: Bravo! A wonderful display of talking!
Me: -Joe, you are ... incorrigible!
Joe: Thank you, I think? Wait! Where are you going? What are you going to do?

(There is a sudden rush of water from the faucet at the kitchen sink.)

Me: -You need your mug washed out with soap, my friend.
Joe: No! Not the dish detergent! Anything but that! (Glub-glub!)
Me: -Thanks for the pleasant chat, Joe! Now I have to stop at the coffee shop on the way to work!
Joe: Traitor!

A little later I am pulling away from the coffee shop drive-up window, a piping hot cup of java in the cup holder. As I place the cup to my lips I am looking forward to a nice peaceful moment ...

Hey, moron! Don't squeeze me so hard ... you trying to break my ribs?

Yes, it's going to be a long day!

No.936

The Great Chili Cook-Off

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: *

* (This post is presented by virtue of "the-right-click-save-copy-paste" method of blog publishing. The source of it was not noted when it was duly lifted.)

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. @#ck those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much rel
iance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a @?%#ing grenade in my mouth, pull the $#@!ing pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f#$%ing mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s#i$ to match my &*%damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. $@ck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the !@#$ing 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)


It seems all together fitting and proper that a post about chili should be brought to a close with a disastrous trip to the facilities.

The Gross Bathroom Disaster*

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues.

"Johnny!" mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually mom leaves for a short trip to the store. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge - a diarrhea run! She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.

Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!

The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"

* (Earl has been a frequent supplier of material to this site, and as he spends his evenings driving a truck and sleeping during the days, I am curious where he finds the time to forward the material to me. Thanks for all the good stuff, Earl.)

No.935

Marketing Mayhem

Don't you just love those clever commercial slogans and jingles?

Some are endearing and have catchy lyrics that you make you want to sing along...

"I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony... "

" HOT DOGS, Ar-mour HOT DOGS
What kind of kids love Ar-mour HOT DOGS?
Big kids, lit-tle kids, kids who climb on rocks
fat kids, skin-ny kids, ev-en kids with chicken pox
love HOT DOGS, Ar-mour HOT DOGS
The dogs kids love to bite! "

Then there were those ingratiating ones that got under your skin...

"...When it says Libby's, Libby's, Libby's on the label, label, label ... "

They didn't have to be jingles to give me that 'scratches-on-the-chalkboard' sensation....

"¡Yo quiero Taco Bell! " - - "I want my Maypo! " - - "Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? " - - and the fist-clinching-est of them all ..." Please don't squeeze the Charmin.. ".

Didn't you want to sic a bull terrier on that little Chihuahua? I often visualized a heaping helping of Milk of Magnesia being poured down that kid's gaping mouth. To the snob in the Rolls, 'How about some brown poupon you?' Many were the times that my hands were squeezing Mr. Whipple's neck!

I wonder ... if you spread I Can't Believe It's Not Butter on that Poppin' Fresh guy and popped him in the oven, would you get hot cross buns?

Suppose I decided to start up a business, say one that sells produce and fishing bait. Don't you think Shake & Bait would be a great name?

Here's a great product idea: White Out-White On! By combining correction fluid and toothpaste, the consumer can correct typing/writing errata and keep their teeth white no matter where they are. Misspelled broccoli? White it out! Got broccoli caught in your teeth? White On and it's gone!

Maybe I'd be better suited as a jingle or slogan writer! Embarrassed by diarrhea? Use Imodium® and spend less time on the commodium!
~Got an important speech and you are suffering from diarrhea? Use Imodium® and spend more time at the podium!

Over the years some the ad icons and slogans were miscast and used to promote the entirely wrong products.
~Case in point, Clara Peller should have been standing in front of a naked man with his back to the camera when she utters her famous, "Where's the beef? " It is obvious that the slogan should not have been pitching burgers, but Viagra!

"It's what's up front that counts. " used for a brand of cigarettes? Nay, nay! This is tailor-made for selling the "Wonder Bra."

Some day, in the near future on a TV set near you, there will be commercials for vibrators. Tres avante-garde, I have already rewritten the well known jingle above and have come up with a catchy little ditty for the debut of such ads:

"HOT RODS, Amour HOT RODS!
What kind of girls love Amour HOT RODS?
Big girls, little girls, girls who want much more.
Fat girls, skinny girls, even girls with boys at the door,
Love HOT RODS, Amour HOT RODS
The rods girls love to use. "

This is a topic with a lot more possibilities due to the innumerable ads and products out there. This matter will be revisited in a future post. Perhaps you have some slogans or jingles that you like or detest?

No.934

Excuses to Coincidences

Excuses students give for not turning in their homework:

10)- My dog has a digging addiction and he buried my homework.

9)- My homework was done and I didn't want to forget it, so I put it in my backpack. Turns out I brought the wrong backpack to school.

8)- I got confused and put my homework in my lunch bag and my lunch in my backpack. Then I forgot both of them.

7)- I made a paper airplane out of it and it got hijacked.

6)- The lights went out in our house and I had to burn it to get enough light to see the fuse box.

5)- I was going to bring in my homework, but my mom already graded it and said you should give me an A+.

4)- Teacher: Where is your homework? Student: It's still in my pen.

3)- I tried doing my homework, I swear. It was too hard so I ask my parents for help and they tried but it was just so hard they took it to work to get some help.

2)- My father had a nervous breakadown and he cut up my homework to make paper dolls.

And the number one excuse:

1)- I didn't do my math homework because the batteries in my calculator were missing. I found out this morning my mother took them for her vibrator!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers:

"Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You've Got Male ! (thanks Earl)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This Is AMAZING!!!

Until now I never fully understood how to tell the difference between Male and Female birds. I always thought it had to be determined surgically.

Until Now.

Which of the two birds is a female??? Below are two birds; Study them closely...See if you can spot which of the two is the female.

It can be done. Even by one with limited bird watching skills. (thanks Earl)
~~~~~~

COINCI-DENCE:

A chicken farmer went to a local bar...sat next to a woman and
ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says "How about that? I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "this is a special day for me
I am celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence!" says the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man asked
"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist
told me that I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man."I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of
my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence!" (thanks again, Earl)

No.933

Now That's Entertainment !

"Honey, come in here. I want to show you something."

"Uh-oh!" I thought when I came home from work. "She's found something on some site ... something that's going to require manual labor, for me of course."

You see, around my domicile "Honey come see" invariably equals a Honey-Do project. What was it this time? A painting scheme she liked? Lighting fixtures? Not another landscaping job? ( Shudder ) A plumbing project?

Hey! It was only 15 months ago that I had painted and wallpapered the bathroom, laid new vinyl tiles on the kitchen floor, and replaced the flooring in the back hall!

Apparently I didn't seem to be in much of a hurry 'to come and see,' cause she called out, "Don't you want to see?" Then there was the 'crushing blow to the mid-section,' when she announced, "I'm going to buy this. It's the cheapest price I've seen anywhere!"

Head hung in submission, feeling like a condemned man taking that last walk to face the ultimate punishment, I answered, "I'll be right there, let me pour myself a cup of coffee. I just walked in the door."

I tossed around the urge to strengthen my coffee with something a little more high octane than milk. If Bob Barker had been close at hand, I would've traded for what lie behind curtain number three.

As I approached her, more and more of the monitor screen became visible beyond her shoulder. And what to my wondering eyes should appear..? If dancing sugar plums exist, they were truly dancing in my head!

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As I read the description and tried to keep my eyes attached to the optic nerves, I felt my heart skip a beat. My breathing became labored. Sweat formed on my brow.

I muttered under my breath, "Mr. Barker, disregard that trade for curtain number three!"

It's been my experience that "luxury toys" were the domain of the male of the species. I have "lusted in my heart," and I am not talking about Jimmy Carter's admitted lust, at the prospect of having a high-def big screen TV.

I say lusted, but I am also practical. These HDTVs, especially the plasma ones, are at the high end of the consumer food chain. This baby cost more than my last truck!
I was speechless, by design, lest I began stammering and blubbering, the likes of which I haven't displayed since I first saw the ending of "Old Yeller."

I remember when we "upgraded" from a 19-inch TV to a 30-inch screen. It felt then like I was in the front row of a movie theater. This, this was another 12-inches larger! I glanced at my arm, for I had pinched myself so hard that I'd nearly drawn blood.

I suddenly realized that she been talking and reading the printed matter on the screen the whole time I had been all but fossilized in shock. "You don't like it?" She was asking. "You don't think that's cheap?"

If I had been thirty, even twenty years younger, I would have been leaping and clicking my heels together. I fought the urge to give her a high five. A rebel yell was welling in my throat. I managed to reply, "Yeah, it's nice and that sure is a great price." It was painful but I added, "But it's still a lot of money, dear."

I nearly lost my balance when she retaliated, "We'll use the tax refund money, no problem!" I was dumbfounded. Did I dare remind her that she had already earmarked that money for new windows and the garage roof? If I did bring it up, just whose bubble would be burst? Talk about a dilemma!

I glanced at the calendar next to her PC and noted that it was still ten days until April Fool's Day! That would be a cruel and heartless joke for her to be playing on me! I took on a savoir-faire air when I finally said, "You know that I've never stopped you from buying anything, along as it doesn't put too much of a strain on the budget."

That exchange took place yesterday. Nothing of the subject has been mentioned since. Did I do the right thing by sequestering my excitement? Did I appear to be uninterested? Do I dare broach the subject, and if so, how long should I wait?

Ah, but hope springs eternal! What do I find in my e-mail box? She sent me an e-mail linking the pages with that TV! She sent from the other room, a scant three feet away on the other side of the wall next to me. The subject title of her e-mail: "This is the TV I'm going to buy."

My thoughts now? "Don't shoot Old Yeller!"

No.932

To Be Happy, Genderly Speaking

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic!
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:* birthdays* anniversaries* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food

I borrowed this from the alluring Cheri.

No.931

Redneck Is As Redneck Does

Bubba and the Lawyer

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys suin' them cigarette companies fer causin people to git cancer ?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin . ... what I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?" (thanks, Earl)

Bubba Wins the Lottery

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

Redneck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide) So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me -- I don't want to go deaf!"

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . .", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand . . .

Subject: ELKS

Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Crap," says his friend, "and I just joined The Elks!!" -(thanks again, Earl)

Survivor: Texas

A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style."
The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

No.930

The Older You Get, The Older I Feel

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go pee.

3 . 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Musical recliners.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.

OLD IS WHEN

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the weekend

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over?

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

But Most Of All, Remember

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!

JOKES FOR THE OLDER CROWD

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
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An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for
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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
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I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
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Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
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If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive. So I took her to a gas station !!!!!!!

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

No.929

Camel Lot

In ye muddled olden times of lore,
When the men were not so bold;
'Twas the weak who went off to war,
And heroes wrote their tales told.

Glorious were the words of scribes
About the battles bloody and hellish,
So much enhanced in banal diatribes
With such flair meant to embellish.

Only thus that never shall be forgot,
A story much loved and oft recalled
Of the fabled kingdom of Camel Lot,
And its honored King Archie the Bald.

Time and victors write our history,
And record the epic tales and acts;
So to no one should it be a mystery
Why accounts have all the wrong facts.

Cited one Englishman, "I'll take a trip
To buy property with an ocean view."
So with family he sailed off on a ship
To the Red Sea, so rife with camel doo.

He met a man of magic named Irving,
He'd found sleeping in a large red urn;
And then in mystical displays unnerving
He granted the man three wishes in turn.

Among his wishes: greatness for his son,
A way to make a living in that desert land,
And shelter from the ever sweltering sun.
So his home became an oasis in the sand.

Laying out a mound of fresh camel dung,
He shoved a spade into the foul dropping,
Saying, "Your lad while he is still young
Will remove yon spade and become a king!"

Often historians will turn events around;
A spade in dung becomes a sword in stone,
Because in the story the English had found
An epic tale they could call their very own.

Lament not for Archie the Bald my friends,
Around the Red Sea he will not be forgot;
For the legend about this king never ends
Of his dealership, Archie's Used Camel Lot !

Yes, the names and places have changed, but the legends live on. Who's to say which came first: Archie or Arthur? Irving or Merlin? Camel Lot or Camelot? A spade or a sword?

The observant among the readers of this literary jewel may have spotted a hidden message in the text. No? You might say it is a subtitle. You might say it's a not so subtle subliminal message.

The famous, but currently unemployed Joe Camel says, "You have think out side the box and boldly.

No.928

A Bit o' Blarney For Me Blog Buddies

Aye, I might be a wee bit small, but don't let me looks deceive you. This leprechaun walks tall and carries a big shillelagh.

Glory be, another St. Patty's Day is upon us. 'Tis on this day the Irish population increases ten-fold world wide. It forces us of real Irish blood to do our celebratin' in the safety of our homes. We let the Irish-wannabes make fools ot themselves on the 17th of March. After all, we can have our pick of the other 364 days.

You lads and lassies might be offended by me greeting here, thinkin' I be tellin' the lot of you to kiss my arse. Nae, nothing could be farther from the truth. It be an option for those who might not want to kiss a face covered in a scruffy beard, so I be offering up some smooth cheeks for you to kiss.

Now, while you be pretendin' to be Irish, wearin' the green, drinkin' your green beer and watchin' the "The Quiet Man," here's a servin' of some Irish humor for you to digest:

As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
....Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.
....She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
....She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back flips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other:
..."Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"


Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."


Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"
....The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," replied Brennan.



McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," he replied, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
An Irish Pub Joke...

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. Each orders a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and land-- one, two, three-- in each of the pints.
....The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another.
....The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
....The Irishman reaches in to the glass, grabs the fly between his fingers and shakes him as hard as he can, shouting "Spit it out, ya bloody bastard! Spit it out!"

Before I take leave of you, here are some Irish toasts to utter over your pints:

"Here's to being single...Drinking doubles...And seeing triple."

"I drink to your health when I'm with you,
I drink to your health when I'm alone,
I drink to your health so often'
I'm starting to worry about my own."

"Here's to women's kisses, and to whiskey amber clear;
Not as sweet as a woman's kiss, but a darn sight more sincere!"

"Slainte! " - (Slawn-cha!) - ("Health! ")

" Beannachtam na Feile Padraig! " - ( HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY! )

No.927