Saturday, March 10, 2007

The Taming of the Screw

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the money is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the $3 million is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

A teenage blonde who wanted to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a handyman and began canvassing the neighborhood.
She went ot the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much would you charge?"
"How about $50?" she answered.
The man agreed and told her the paint she would need for the job was in the garage.
The man's wife overheard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize the porch goes all the way around the house?"
"She should," the man replied. "She was standing on the porch when we talked."
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect the money. "You're done already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had enough paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.
"...And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For fifty years, Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying.
One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important. Opening it, he found two blankets and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.

"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a blanket to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.
"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the blankets."

*Dear Tide:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!

I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Mrs. H.

(*I borrowed this from the sexy Cheri . It was just too funny to go unpilfered.)



Jack K. said...

Great jokes. Great cartoons.

btw, what shoes would go well?

Serena Joy said...

Terrific! And I loved that Tide thing. I need to talk to Cheri. I think we might be married to the same man.:)

Raggedy said...

Thanks I needed the laugh.
Great Jokes and cartoons!
Have a wonderful day!
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

PS. You don't need Tide or Glad ladies you just need a good reason.
"It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With a hunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times."

Serena Joy said...

I love the way you think, Raggedy. That explanation sounds perfectly believable to me.:)

jules said...

Funny stuff Mikey.

Carolyn said...

Great funnies!! Loved the first cartoon too ;D